The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

As the title. I'm dating someone and things started getting more serious, so marriage and children plans came up. Both of us love our careers and make an income comparable to each other's and both of us have room for growth. I understand that things don't always happen exactly as we wish, but my ideal situation is that both of us take parental leave and slightly reduce our hours to take turns in taking care of kids. And of course we'd need to combine this with a good daycare. However, he's adamant that I stay home because our future children need someone to be there for them. I asked him unironically he would be ok being the one to stay home and he said "hell no". He says he's a better provider than caretaker and that I wouldn't need to worry about money at all.

I'm 36 and suffer from PCOS so I should be panicking about my biological clock, but this conversation made seriously think not only about kids, but under which conditions I'd like to raise them and honestly, being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person. I'm not sure if I should give this a go or if we're too different from each other for this relationship to work.

[Anonymous]

Then break up with him. You’re obviously not compatible.

[Anonymous]

OMG run run.

He is a POS RW garbage run. What does he want you home apron and breathless in the kitchen doing mommy duty and wiping his ass?

This is absurd.

Dump him now.

[Anonymous]

Just date someone else. Don't reconsider kids because of this jerk

[Anonymous]

I think you already made your decision and are just looking to validate it. You know you can't stay with this man if you want to have any semblance of a career.

[Anonymous]

Kick him back to the Stone Age. You would not be happy long term. One reason I love my husband is that he has always supported the career choices I made and he made no attempt to tell me what to do.

[Anonymous]

You aren't compatible don't let your age trick you into making a bad decision

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you will continue working and that you will get a nanny for the kids. If he is not okay with that plan then you need to end it. In any case he doesn’t seem compatible with you.

[Anonymous]

Have a kid on your own instead of settling for Mr. IsThereNow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't compatible don't let your age trick you into making a bad decision

We don't hear this enough on DCUM. Being childless isn't the worst that can happen, having children with the wrong person and spending two decades in the wrong situation is much worse. Being childless might not be bad at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.

It’s the point that the guy is not flexible at all with the idea of his wife working, which is what she wants to do. Of course OP may change her mind someday, but they have to be on the same page.

It sounds like a troll, honestly.

[Anonymous]

You’re not compatible. My brother was (is? kids are in high school and his wife went back to work) like your boyfriend. He was adamant about wanting a wife who stayed home with the kids. He dated a few women who adamantly didn’t want that. He asked me and our parents what he could say to convince them otherwise (I was leaning childfree and if a kid, only one and not staying home, my mom stayed at home when we were young and couldn’t wait to get back to work, and my father was like my brother -didn’t want to have to do any childcare)

We all told him these women were great - but fundamentally incompatible and they needed to break up, rather than expect it to work out.

So he did, and while it’s a marriage I wouldn’t want, he and his wife are super compatible.

This was all in the context of a south Asian semi-arranged marriage - dating was done with this clear expectation so everyone was more openly practical than dating is typically done now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a kid on your own instead of settling for Mr. IsThereNow.

Or don't have children at all. It's not a requirement.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Bye, boy, bye.

Your values are incompatible and it won't work. (Also, gross -- patriarchy, misogyny and all that.)