The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do this for him, protect yourself. In 10 years he may not want you and you’ll be desperate to find a way to support yourself. A friend of mine had a written agreement with her husband. Every week he transferred $500 into her separate account. 11 years later he left her and she had over $250k in her account. That helped her get on her feet and not struggle. It took her 7 months to find a decent paying job after he left her. But at least she didn’t struggle because she had those cash payments. And in the divorce proceedings he still had to pay child support.

This isn't a bad idea, but it doesn't look like OP wants to stay home at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. OP, I have a PhD and a professional degree. I wanted the big career. After the kid was born, I couldn't imagine to come home at 9pm, so I work part-time. I am very happy.

You and others are making these posts pointing out that you changed your minds once you had the baby. What's your point? It doesn't matter if op changes her mind, the guy doesn't care. He only wants her to stay home. You are coming from a marriage in which your spouse supported your decision. Your experience doesn't apply here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is silly pre-kids. For all you know you don’t even want to stay home. So you dump someone and stay single forever over one comment? This is why so many women stay single. A lot of men and women are just repeating whatever they knew growing up. Not to mention men are completely clueless about kids and daycare realities.

Instead does he want you to be happy? That’s what matters. If he does then he will be fine if you work or don’t work.

You're right she might decide she wants to stay home. How does that apply to the topic at hand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people fall in love with someone with incompatible values? I have my partner because they are an amazing person, and thinking about them makes me proud.

She didn't know about his values until now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is silly pre-kids. For all you know you don’t even want to stay home. So you dump someone and stay single forever over one comment? This is why so many women stay single. A lot of men and women are just repeating whatever they knew growing up. Not to mention men are completely clueless about kids and daycare realities.

Instead does he want you to be happy? That’s what matters. If he does then he will be fine if you work or don’t work.

People tend to know very well what they don't want from life. A woman who doesn't want to SAH might be pushed in that direction by circumstances, but that doesn't mean that she'll enjoy the lifestyle. It's completely fair and smart for someone like OP to avoid men who don't plan to do much around the house, as this most liky means she'll have to do most of the housework whether she stays home or not. I have a hard time understanding why this seems so difficult to grasp for many posters.

[Anonymous]

I would've felt happy if he told me that. This means he's willing to provide and to take care of you. Not sure why this is a bad thing. Many women today don' stay home and then complain that they have to do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would've felt happy if he told me that. This means he's willing to provide and to take care of you. Not sure why this is a bad thing. Many women today don' stay home and then complain that they have to do it all.

It's a bad thing because not every woman wants to be provided for. You don't do it all if your husband does his fair share of housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG run run.

He is a POS RW garbage run. What does he want you home apron and breathless in the kitchen doing mommy duty and wiping his ass?

This is absurd.

Dump him now.

Wow you sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would've felt happy if he told me that. This means he's willing to provide and to take care of you. Not sure why this is a bad thing. Many women today don' stay home and then complain that they have to do it all.

It's a bad thing because not every woman wants to be provided for. You don't do it all if your husband does his fair share of housework.

He said what would prefer. He didn’t locker her in the house and hold her at gun point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.

I know plenty of people in "traditional marriages" and it works for them because it's what both parties want. This is not that. This is a boyfriend telling his girlfriend that she has to stay home because it's what *he* wants. That's why everyone is offended - he doesn't get to decide for her. She needs to leave - not give up motherhood because she dated one incompatible guy.

[Anonymous]

His desire for parents to have a SHAP = valid.

His refusal to be the one to stay home = misogynstic.

Regardless, this is basic incompatibility and you should not date him. And don't have kids unless you really want to; that's a permanent decision. (I love my kids but if I hadn't wanted them it would be miserable to be a mom)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His desire for parents to have a SHAP = valid.

His refusal to be the one to stay home = misogynstic.

Regardless, this is basic incompatibility and you should not date him. And don't have kids unless you really want to; that's a permanent decision. (I love my kids but if I hadn't wanted them it would be miserable to be a mom)

Sorry, obviously I meant kids. And I should specifically say *his* kids because nobody should have an opinion on how whether or not other parents choose to work or SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would've felt happy if he told me that. This means he's willing to provide and to take care of you. Not sure why this is a bad thing. Many women today don' stay home and then complain that they have to do it all.

It's a bad thing because not every woman wants to be provided for. You don't do it all if your husband does his fair share of housework.

He said what would prefer. He didn’t locker her in the house and hold her at gun point.

And by saying that he just showed her that their preferences are not compatible. He's not bad in a moral sense, but from OP's perspective it is because they're not compatible.

[Anonymous]

Any man with half a brain should be insisting their wife not stay home nowadays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would've felt happy if he told me that. This means he's willing to provide and to take care of you. Not sure why this is a bad thing. Many women today don' stay home and then complain that they have to do it all.

I agree. You could settle for a part-time job. I would much prefer someone who wants to provide than someone who is content to let me work a full shift plus all the child-rearing and household chores. I never intended to be a SAHM, but I found it almost impossible for both of us to have leadership-level positions in our firms, so I ended up with a reduced schedule, which gives me time to manage our household help and tuck the kids in at night / get them out the door in the morning. I don't think his position is a bad starting point, but I'd push further to ensure he intends to still be involved and helpful as a parent.