The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly the biggest red flag for me is him saying he’s a better provider than caretaker. That suggests to me that even if you worked through the rest and OP kept working he’d expect her to carry the lion’s share of child rearing.

Or Even worse he'll be extremely critical of of while providing zero help or support and is the type to spend his free time out driving with his buddies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title. I'm dating someone and things started getting more serious, so marriage and children plans came up. Both of us love our careers and make an income comparable to each other's and both of us have room for growth. I understand that things don't always happen exactly as we wish, but my ideal situation is that both of us take parental leave and slightly reduce our hours to take turns in taking care of kids. And of course we'd need to combine this with a good daycare. However, he's adamant that I stay home because our future children need someone to be there for them. I asked him unironically he would be ok being the one to stay home and he said "hell no". He says he's a better provider than caretaker and that I wouldn't need to worry about money at all.

I'm 36 and suffer from PCOS so I should be panicking about my biological clock, but this conversation made seriously think not only about kids, but under which conditions I'd like to raise them and honestly, being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person. I'm not sure if I should give this a go or if we're too different from each other for this relationship to work.

Absolutely not for many reasons already mentioned, but I would have laughed in this guy's face with the bolded that you earn comparable salaries. For ne to stay home he better be "putting me out of work" aka making my 350k a year look like a pittance to even consider this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG run run.

He is a POS RW garbage run. What does he want you home apron and breathless in the kitchen doing mommy duty and wiping his ass?

This is absurd.

Dump him now.

Yes to all of this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's saying "I want kids, but I don't want to take care of them". I understand that many things happen along the road that push parents to different roles, but someone who says that at the beginning is probably not interested to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to what he’s said and don’t expect him to change his mind. He’s not wrong for not wanting to stay home with kids and neither are you. You just want different things. It is what it is. Better to break up now than drag it out.

I’m happy as a SAHM and was looking for someone like your boyfriend. You’re looking for someone who wants to take on a 50-50 role. That’s OK. You would both resent each other if you became parents together.

+1 My husband and I discussed this in depth before marriage as we were both on the same page. I happily SAH until the kids were school aged and now I work a flexible part time job that allows for me to be home when they are. We're all happy and this works for us. SAH isn't what you want and that's 100% fine too, find someone who shares this same vision for the future. Definitely break up now rather than drag it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you already made your decision and are just looking to validate it. You know you can't stay with this man if you want to have any semblance of a career.

Not just semblance of a career but of a life! He’s expecting something you don’t want. Stop it now. Don’t they to contort yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a traditional marriage, but would not want my daughters to be with anyone who 'adamantly insisted' on their staying home. Interestingly, people are up in arms whenever I say on this site that many men will not do extra work unless for pay, prestige, or pleasure. I think you have encountered an unusually honest man. Which one of us wouldn't choose to have 10 kids if we never had to hire a housecleaner, feel torn between caring for a sick child or finishing an important work project, or ever wash another dish?

[Anonymous]

Well, we know who he is voting for in November!

[Anonymous]

Dump him and have a kid on your own. You will be happier

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about him otherwise? Marry him, don’t take his last name. Have kids if you want them and things might work out - either he will find that he’s not such a great provider, or you find you like staying home. It’s unwise to build your life on maxims. If you wait for a perfect man, perfect circumstance, perfect timing to have a family you might never have it.

[Anonymous]

This is a pretty mainstream response.
Her clock is ticking. Once the baby is out , she can do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

How is being picky and then choosing IVF (and denying a child their bio dad until they are old enough to track them down) any less crazy? it’s not. Do whatever feels right now.

[Anonymous]

He wants baby. He works. OMG. Have the a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he's adamant that I stay home because our future children need someone to be there for them.

Some of us on DCUM believe it's more important to be home/available for your children during the teen years than it is for age 0-5.

I agree - we were lucky to have wonderful nannies when our kids were young so I worked full time. But once they hit MS and on I wanted to be closer to home as it's such a critical age. I still worked, but with a lot of flexibility, and I know I made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you talked about having children ? Or is this scenario all in your head? Your hypothetical to him is an odd one. Your reading and jumping to detailed outcomes is also odd.