The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do this for him, protect yourself. In 10 years he may not want you and you’ll be desperate to find a way to support yourself. A friend of mine had a written agreement with her husband. Every week he transferred $500 into her separate account. 11 years later he left her and she had over $250k in her account. That helped her get on her feet and not struggle. It took her 7 months to find a decent paying job after he left her. But at least she didn’t struggle because she had those cash payments. And in the divorce proceedings he still had to pay child support.

After I had baby #3 my now ex H wanted me to stop working and I was very worried about not having my own career. I mentioned this to my father and he said don’t worry you’ll be fine. When we separated I was really worried about money until my father said that when I stopped working he had set up an account for me that after 12 years was worth well over $1 million. It was set up so it wouldn’t be a marital asset. I’m very lucky but I should have kept working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't compatible don't let your age trick you into making a bad decision

+100

Clearly you two have two different desires for the future. Dump him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren't compatible don't let your age trick you into making a bad decision

We don't hear this enough on DCUM. Being childless isn't the worst that can happen, having children with the wrong person and spending two decades in the wrong situation is much worse. Being childless might not be bad at all.

So,true. As a mother, I can honestly say being childless would be preferable to having kids with the wrong person.

And honestly, if you just want to have a child, as long as you can swing it financially, I have several single mother by choice friends who are living their best lives.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to add: if your incomes are comparable then one parent at home would mean a massive lifestyle downgrade. Most men who want their wives to stay home already make much more than she does.

[Anonymous]

I'd run because this idea of me being solely responsible for the kids because I'm a woman makes me want to vomit. My husband and I earn roughly the same and have had equal roles in raising our children since day one. I wouldn't want it any other way and would definitely break up with someone who said what your boyfriend said. If you feel the same way, then it's time to leave, hard as that may be at this age. He's clearly not going to change his mind, and he can go find a woman out there whose dream it is to be a SAHM, but that's not you and that's totally ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.

Plenty of people also abuse drugs and alcohol. Hell, plenty of people abuse other people. Your argument is weak.

If you want a traditional marriage, fine. Many of us find the notion of a stay at home everything repulsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband expressed his desire that I stay home. I didn't like the idea too much, I was anxious and uncomfortable. When my DC was born I couldn't stay away from her and became greatful that my husband was ok with me staying home. He became very successful over the years, but all of this was the result of long office hours and traveling for business meetings. None of this would have been possible if we decided to go 50/50.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I would stick with him. You're not getting any younger and if you end this relationship you might not have children. I know you said that this is ok, but you'll probably start seeing things differently when you realize how hard it is to find a good man at your age.

I feel like you're saying that his being successful is a good thing...even though it meant he spent his time away from you and your daughter. Enjoy his money I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM. I do most of the cleaning and the cooking for obvious reasons, but DH spends a lot of time with the kids when he is free. He also does does half of childcare and chore on weekends and goes to short trips only with thhe kids so they have alone time with him as much aa they have alone time with me. Your partner doesn't want to be a father. He wants to be a sperm donor.

Ah yes, and your husband wants to be a father "when he is free." Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Payment for house/family labor during working hours makes sense. Can she share the agreement?

So you want to...work for your husband?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would've felt happy if he told me that. This means he's willing to provide and to take care of you. Not sure why this is a bad thing. Many women today don' stay home and then complain that they have to do it all.

What are you, a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM. I do most of the cleaning and the cooking for obvious reasons, but DH spends a lot of time with the kids when he is free. He also does does half of childcare and chore on weekends and goes to short trips only with thhe kids so they have alone time with him as much aa they have alone time with me. Your partner doesn't want to be a father. He wants to be a sperm donor.

Ah yes, and your husband wants to be a father "when he is free." Got it.

He doesn't work from home, so he can't do childcare when he's at work. Ideally, parents do 50/50, but that's not always possible because it's not always possible to be paid the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is silly pre-kids. For all you know you don’t even want to stay home. So you dump someone and stay single forever over one comment? This is why so many women stay single. A lot of men and women are just repeating whatever they knew growing up. Not to mention men are completely clueless about kids and daycare realities.

Instead does he want you to be happy? That’s what matters. If he does then he will be fine if you work or don’t work.

People tend to know very well what they don't want from life. A woman who doesn't want to SAH might be pushed in that direction by circumstances, but that doesn't mean that she'll enjoy the lifestyle. It's completely fair and smart for someone like OP to avoid men who don't plan to do much around the house, as this most liky means she'll have to do most of the housework whether she stays home or not. I have a hard time understanding why this seems so difficult to grasp for many posters.

Strongly disagree. There are so many women who have no idea they’d stay home until kids come around. You really don’t know how you’ll feel until you have a baby. I would prioritize a loving man who treats me well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. OP, I have a PhD and a professional degree. I wanted the big career. After the kid was born, I couldn't imagine to come home at 9pm, so I work part-time. I am very happy.

You and others are making these posts pointing out that you changed your minds once you had the baby. What's your point? It doesn't matter if op changes her mind, the guy doesn't care. He only wants her to stay home. You are coming from a marriage in which your spouse supported your decision. Your experience doesn't apply here.

This! Even if I KNEW I wanted to stay home, I would never marry a guy who EXPECTED ME to do so.

FWIW, I never saw myself staying home and then did for a year. And the went back part time. At every step, my husband supported and and all choices I made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is silly pre-kids. For all you know you don’t even want to stay home. So you dump someone and stay single forever over one comment? This is why so many women stay single. A lot of men and women are just repeating whatever they knew growing up. Not to mention men are completely clueless about kids and daycare realities.

Instead does he want you to be happy? That’s what matters. If he does then he will be fine if you work or don’t work.

People tend to know very well what they don't want from life. A woman who doesn't want to SAH might be pushed in that direction by circumstances, but that doesn't mean that she'll enjoy the lifestyle. It's completely fair and smart for someone like OP to avoid men who don't plan to do much around the house, as this most liky means she'll have to do most of the housework whether she stays home or not. I have a hard time understanding why this seems so difficult to grasp for many posters.

Strongly disagree. There are so many women who have no idea they’d stay home until kids come around. You really don’t know how you’ll feel until you have a baby. I would prioritize a loving man who treats me well.

Childcare is expensive, hectic and we live in a society that still thinks childcare is a woman's job, which makes them more likely to feel overly responsible for children in a way that men aren't.

This doesn't mean that a woman who doesn't find being a SAHM appealing will suddenly like staying home just because she decided to be one for financial or moral reasons. A woman who feels like the OP is better off finding a man who's willing to do his fair share.

[Anonymous]

Best you tell him that and not us, hun.