The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAH is not right or wrong. But you aren't compatible if you want him to share in taking care of the kids, because he has said he doesn't want to - don't expect that to change. If your HHI would be high enough to pay for a nanny and other time-saving expenses while you both work, have another conversation with him. Help him understand how continuing to work will make you a better mom (because it feels something you need as a person, or whatever your reasons are) than you would be if you SAH and what the two of you could do to make it work. See how he responds and if there is mutual respect. Don't go forward if there is not mutual respect. If you do go forward, be prepared that you will be the one who has to take the sacrifice if plan A of hiring a nanny, etc., doesn't work out -- because, again, he's said he doesn't want to take care of kids.

In an ideal world you are correct. However we don't live in an ideal world.

Ideally both men and women would tackle the role equally.

However what we have is the responsibility unequally falling to women, because men don't respect the role they consider it beneath them while claiming provider when in actuality they are checked out from home and parenting.

It also tends to breed men who are entitled.


Also important to know for those who are pro women's rights there's a move to force women to stay home.
And before you say that would never happen.

This is the same group behind the push to overturn Roe v Wade and ban abortion and who are making IVF difficult.

They have a variety of tactics but one of them is to pst questions on online forms.

The posts are usually seemingly benign.
Occasionally they are vitriolic in tone that uses disparaging terms for women, these posts are often called out as being from incells.

Some common topics and buzzwords are women staying home, manly men, feminism is bad and traditional marriage and roles.

[Anonymous]

You will never be happy with each other. If you end up following each other's expectations you'll end up resentful. Move on, both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But the thing is… you won’t really know what YOU truly want until you have them! At least you know you have the option of staying home if you want to.

With my dh, we both wanted me to SAh. After 18 mos, I knew I needed to go back to work. At that point, My dh totally supported me. I started back PT and through the years changed a few roles, added more hours and now out earn DH.

I have also had friends who wanted to work and then changed mind one baby, others who DHs were very big earners but demanded their wife’s work. The ones who DHs demanded they work have never had really happy marriages.

All that to say, one truly never knows what works for them until you are in the situation!

Her partner basically said he's not interested in being a caregiver. If she exercises her option to go back to work he'll just keep working as usual and leave parenting entirely to OP. People also tend to be pretty good at determining what they don't want, that's why we don't push people into career and lifestyles they don't want just because there's a small chance they'll change their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a lot of 41 year olds want to give up when they are doing for about two decades. Why is this a debate? You are old. You are going to have to compromise or find a time machine

Nobody should tolerate disrespect because of their age. If she ages out of motherhood so be it. It's better be childless than to get stuck with some dude who doesn't respect you and imposes on you a lifestyle you don't want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, we know who he is voting for in November!

OP here. He's actually a Dem. Crazy, right?

What’s crazy to me is that feminism sold this life to women.
Maybe it’s time to listen to the young women of Gen Z who make those videos saying how crazy it is that spending every day from 9-5 working 40-hour work weeks for some corporation is somehow supposed to be the life goal!

It isn’t. Or at least it wasn’t….until we were all convinced that “liberated” meant we needed to be chained to a desk just like men! 🥴

Feminism didn't sell us anything. It just enabled many of us to admit that depending on someone else for your most basic needs can be much worse than depending on a husband. If you don't like how your boss treats you you can take your skills to another boss that will treat you well. You can't do the same with a partner because staying home isn't a skilled position. Also, many of us actually enjoy our jobs and the things we can pay with it. It's ok to slow down your profession when kids come, what's not ok is to be expected to give up everything just because you became a mother, while your husband lives his life as usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But the thing is… you won’t really know what YOU truly want until you have them! At least you know you have the option of staying home if you want to.

With my dh, we both wanted me to SAh. After 18 mos, I knew I needed to go back to work. At that point, My dh totally supported me. I started back PT and through the years changed a few roles, added more hours and now out earn DH.

I have also had friends who wanted to work and then changed mind one baby, others who DHs were very big earners but demanded their wife’s work. The ones who DHs demanded they work have never had really happy marriages.

All that to say, one truly never knows what works for them until you are in the situation!

Her partner basically said he's not interested in being a caregiver. If she exercises her option to go back to work he'll just keep working as usual and leave parenting entirely to OP. People also tend to be pretty good at determining what they don't want, that's why we don't push people into career and lifestyles they don't want just because there's a small chance they'll change their minds.

Exactly.

They had the talk. They aren't compatible move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run to the hills as fast as you can.. People get worse with kids, not better. I am surprised that young guys would be so rigid. How old is he OP?

He's 41.

Oh no op! This is a bigger red flag.

I highly doubt that the guy is just traditional. He's probably just a flat out jerk you haven't seen it yet because it's still early days.

Guys who simply want a SAHM / wife are married with kids by 41.

If he's been married before it's even worse.

Let him go.

[Anonymous]

IDK- I wouldn’t give up on my chance to have DC. I would have loved to stay home but DH was adamantly opposed. I did transition to an easier position though.

[Anonymous]

It just sucks that OP wasted almost a year dating this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with above PP post. One reason american women are not having babies and families is over planning and over thinking

Or they take a look around at what life with a kid would be like for them, and decide they don't want kids. They are thinking, not overthinking. America is no longer an easy place to start a family. And if you do it without thinking/planning, often the only viable option is for the mom to stay at home and the dad to be "provider". This is fine, but not if that is not something both people want, it is not fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with above PP post. One reason american women are not having babies and families is over planning and over thinking

Nothing is certain in love or your future. Nothing stops success - even a child and the time they require. Being an energetic parent is awesome. Just sayin’

Do you really think that that avoiding relationships that come at your expense is "overthinking"? She's not interested in being a SAHM and wants a partner who does his faire share of caretaking. The guy sounds like he wants a nanny/maid. Why should she be ok with this?

[Anonymous]

My husband expressed his desire that I stay home. I didn't like the idea too much, I was anxious and uncomfortable. When my DC was born I couldn't stay away from her and became greatful that my husband was ok with me staying home. He became very successful over the years, but all of this was the result of long office hours and traveling for business meetings. None of this would have been possible if we decided to go 50/50.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I would stick with him. You're not getting any younger and if you end this relationship you might not have children. I know you said that this is ok, but you'll probably start seeing things differently when you realize how hard it is to find a good man at your age.

[Anonymous]

Tons of women will be tripping over themselves to marry him. Leave him for the many women who would love a masculine breadwinner husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tons of women will be tripping over themselves to marry him. Leave him for the many women who would love a masculine breadwinner husband.

Yes OP. Leave this guy to women who, unlike you, are ok with being single moms in all but paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tons of women will be tripping over themselves to marry him. Leave him for the many women who would love a masculine breadwinner husband.

Dude is 41 and thinks he can dictate that he gets a SAHW - somehow I don’t think women are actually tripping over themselves to marry him.