Letting the Ivy plan go

[Anonymous]

OP, chances are that if your child had identical credentials as you and your spouse, they would still not get into any elite school. The college sub here (and elsewhere) is full of parents that went to Ivy and other prestigious colleges that readily acknowledge that if they were to apply now, they would not get in.

Given that, I don’t think it makes sense to push a kid who does not even want it! Which is not to say that your child should be allowed to be a slacker. Just that if she needs to drop down a little in the subjects that she has trouble with, that’s fine, as long as the effort is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Do you honestly think you are where you are only because you went to Ivys? Not because you were hard workers and smart? You really couldn’t haven’t gotten where you are by having gone to a state school or regional university?

I ask because my husband and I went to a school ranked lower than 100 and we are both doing really well. In fulfilling jobs, too (not big law or finance). My husband is honestly one of the smartest people I know, and incredibly hard working. He didn’t need and Ivy to succeed, and neither did I.

Op here. Thank you for this perspective.

Thanks for your trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Everyone here pretends they don’t care where their kids go to college and then they will claim their kid just stumbled upon coding or squash and was self motivated to spend most waking moment’s pursuing their rare extracurriculars in order to win national competitions. And they like taking SAT practice tests for fun. But no, they would never push their kid.

Agreed. The very reason I asked this question HERE is because this is a highly concentrated distillation of the the right audience. And a taboo subjects that’s harder to crowdsource in real life. Some of these replies are so fake. The constructive ones I do appreciate though. I came hear looking for alternative perspectives. That’s exactly why I asked the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Everyone here pretends they don’t care where their kids go to college and then they will claim their kid just stumbled upon coding or squash and was self motivated to spend most waking moment’s pursuing their rare extracurriculars in order to win national competitions. And they like taking SAT practice tests for fun. But no, they would never push their kid.

Agreed. The very reason I asked this question HERE is because this is a highly concentrated distillation of the the right audience. And a taboo subjects that’s harder to crowdsource in real life. Some of these replies are so fake. The constructive ones I do appreciate though. I came hear looking for alternative perspectives. That’s exactly why I asked the question.

You are absolutely insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Everyone here pretends they don’t care where their kids go to college and then they will claim their kid just stumbled upon coding or squash and was self motivated to spend most waking moment’s pursuing their rare extracurriculars in order to win national competitions. And they like taking SAT practice tests for fun. But no, they would never push their kid.

Agreed. The very reason I asked this question HERE is because this is a highly concentrated distillation of the the right audience. And a taboo subjects that’s harder to crowdsource in real life. Some of these replies are so fake. The constructive ones I do appreciate though. I came hear looking for alternative perspectives. That’s exactly why I asked the question.

You did not come here looking for alternative perspectives. You came looking for someone to feed your ego and agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a similar situation (not Ivy related) with my daughter. Both DH and I are immigrants and have overcome a lot of adversity to be where we are now. It is frustrating when you see that your kid does not want to put in the hard work to succeed.

I guess OP's frustration is not only stemming from the fact that her daughter has no interest in applying to her ivy but she's more frustrated that her daughter is not achieving her full potential and is backing off because she may not want to work hard and put in the effort.

OP, if you truly feel your daughter has the potential to do well in the advanced classes but is just plain lazy, then push her and encourage her in whatever way you can. She'll thank you later.

If she truly does not have the potential, then let go and set lower goals for her that are more reasonable to achieve.

Thank you for this. I think you understand where I’m coming from. It’s not just about a brand. It’s about the hard work to make a life. And the sacrifices for our kids. And wanting the best for her. She has the potential but not the interest it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a similar situation (not Ivy related) with my daughter. Both DH and I are immigrants and have overcome a lot of adversity to be where we are now. It is frustrating when you see that your kid does not want to put in the hard work to succeed.

I guess OP's frustration is not only stemming from the fact that her daughter has no interest in applying to her ivy but she's more frustrated that her daughter is not achieving her full potential and is backing off because she may not want to work hard and put in the effort.

OP, if you truly feel your daughter has the potential to do well in the advanced classes but is just plain lazy, then push her and encourage her in whatever way you can. She'll thank you later.

If she truly does not have the potential, then let go and set lower goals for her that are more reasonable to achieve.

Thank you for this. I think you understand where I’m coming from. It’s not just about a brand. It’s about the hard work to make a life. And the sacrifices for our kids. And wanting the best for her. She has the potential but not the interest it seems.

The sacrifices for your kid? You’re imbalanced and this is clearly all about you.

[Anonymous]

You kid is invent IVY material if she is stressed and miserable in 9th grade advanced classes
Just spare her, there is no chance anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Do you honestly think you are where you are only because you went to Ivys? Not because you were hard workers and smart? You really couldn’t haven’t gotten where you are by having gone to a state school or regional university?

I ask because my husband and I went to a school ranked lower than 100 and we are both doing really well. In fulfilling jobs, too (not big law or finance). My husband is honestly one of the smartest people I know, and incredibly hard working. He didn’t need and Ivy to succeed, and neither did I.

Op here. Thank you for this perspective.

Thanks for your trolling.

OP that was not me (the PP who you thanked) FYI

And…you’re welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Everyone here pretends they don’t care where their kids go to college and then they will claim their kid just stumbled upon coding or squash and was self motivated to spend most waking moment’s pursuing their rare extracurriculars in order to win national competitions. And they like taking SAT practice tests for fun. But no, they would never push their kid.

Agreed. The very reason I asked this question HERE is because this is a highly concentrated distillation of the the right audience. And a taboo subjects that’s harder to crowdsource in real life. Some of these replies are so fake. The constructive ones I do appreciate though. I came hear looking for alternative perspectives. That’s exactly why I asked the question.

It is important to recognize that the kids that are at all competitive for top universities are pretty internally motivated to do what it takes to get there. It’s not something a parent can push, prod, nag, or browbeat them into.

Your child is having trouble managing her freshman year course load, which is as easy as HS is going to get. For her health and well being, you need to back off a little and let her drive this.

Which is not to say that there aren’t conversations worth having about what she wants her future to look like. And whether her parents fort is compatible with her goals. My DD told me that she wants to go to MIT for mathematics. I said okay, let’s take a look at the kind of kids that get in. Conversation had, she can decide whether she has what it takes to put in a decent application.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a similar situation (not Ivy related) with my daughter. Both DH and I are immigrants and have overcome a lot of adversity to be where we are now. It is frustrating when you see that your kid does not want to put in the hard work to succeed.

I guess OP's frustration is not only stemming from the fact that her daughter has no interest in applying to her ivy but she's more frustrated that her daughter is not achieving her full potential and is backing off because she may not want to work hard and put in the effort.

OP, if you truly feel your daughter has the potential to do well in the advanced classes but is just plain lazy, then push her and encourage her in whatever way you can. She'll thank you later.

If she truly does not have the potential, then let go and set lower goals for her that are more reasonable to achieve.

Thank you for this. I think you understand where I’m coming from. It’s not just about a brand. It’s about the hard work to make a life. And the sacrifices for our kids. And wanting the best for her. She has the potential but not the interest it seems.

You truly don't know this.

Coming from the perspective of having a kid who has always shown very high math ability. I have some background in this area and some of the ways he handles math are very interesting to me even now starting high school. But I know I have to take it class by class and see where he is at. I have to be willing to alter my perspective based on what happens to him and view him as a total child. At any moment he may reveal that his level is very good but not the highest. I'm watching with interest, but until he has run the course, I can't really know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m torn between pushing with tough love because she is young and maybe she will thank me later vs considering that maybe it is just too much for her, to let her make her own choices, and to prioritize her wellbeing. Frustrating because I know the latter will close some doors for her and she is better than this. What do you think DCUM and has anyone btdt?

I think we need to spend some time getting OP to see how completely gross this attitude is.

NO. Where you get into college does not make someone better or worse than someone else at a different college.

As for your later comment that you are sure we all want our kids to get into good colleges: I wanted my kids to get into great colleges, and they did. But not one of them ended up at the most selective of the schools they got into, and you know what? I was a little bummed about that decision in some cases, and I also recognized that as my issue and effing shut up about it around the kid who was picking.

And they all ended up at the right places for them, even if their choices didn't impress people as much as other options would have.

Do you want to be the one making your kid miserable? You have that power. [/quote]

I definitely don’t, which is why I can seeking other perspectives. As for my “better than this” comment, I meant better than regular classes when she is recommended to advanced classes for a reason. She is very smart, but maybe lazy? Or hyper-focused on social things? I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, let it go. Your daughter has not wanted to go to your Alma mater since she was little; you’ve planted that in her head.

So, in fairness...certain Ivy schools throw pretty crazy 5-year reunions that are well attended by alums. It is like a Carnival for the kids, who as they get older (like 8-13), are able to run around to all the different 5-year reunion tents...where one tent has a moonbounce, one tent maybe has carnival games...free food and soda...tons of other kids playing pickup games, etc.

For many years of course, our kids would say, I want to go to alma mater...not because of anything academic or crazy, but because to them they associated it with non-stop fun and games (literally).

We never pushed anything on them and as they grew up, they of course matured. First decided it wasn't for them and second likely has no interest either.

You pushed your alma mater on them every time you took them to a reunion. Most alums skip theirs.

Geez...what's your problem? At a couple of these schools, over 70% of the class goes to a 5-year reunion.

The operative word is “these.” It’s not like that with most colleges. Most people put college behind them and move on with their lives once they graduate. They get together with their college friends outside of college without attending reunions. That’s not the case with Ivies and similar schools. You guys can’t let it go, can’t get over your “glory days,” bring your kids to reunions, talk about your college incessantly - then claim you’re not putting any pressure on your kids or that you don’t care what college they attend.

Such utter bullshit.

So, nobody is supposed to bring their young kids to a college reunion?

I know lots of Penn State grads who are pretty loyal (but with 10,000 kids a class you won't get 7,000 at a reunion) and attend 5-year reunions. Is that utter BS too?

She said 70 percent of the grads at “these” schools attend reunions. That doesn’t happen at Penn State.

Sure, State U grads can be equally loyal to their schools and want their own kids to go to them, but (1) their reasons are different (they don’t consider themselves or their kids failures if the kids go elsewhere and (2) their aspirations are far more reasonable.

Their reasons aren't different at all. Stop with the double-standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Do you honestly think you are where you are only because you went to Ivys? Not because you were hard workers and smart? You really couldn’t haven’t gotten where you are by having gone to a state school or regional university?

I ask because my husband and I went to a school ranked lower than 100 and we are both doing really well. In fulfilling jobs, too (not big law or finance). My husband is honestly one of the smartest people I know, and incredibly hard working. He didn’t need and Ivy to succeed, and neither did I.

Op here. Thank you for this perspective.

Thanks for your trolling.

You are amusing. What exactly is so hard to believe?

[Anonymous]

Almost none of my Ivy educated friends are sending their kids to Ivies. So you are in good company. And there will be lots of bright and happy kids no matter where she goes.

Let it go.