Letting the Ivy plan go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I also went to an Ivy. Our dcs are excellent students, well-rounded people...And they would never get in now. The college landscape has changed so much and is so competitive. I have zero doubts they'd excel at an Ivy, but it won't happen.

+1

After doing alumni interviews for years, I realized that it’s not worth killing yourself to build an insane resume just to enter a lottery.

And I’ve also realized that people can be happy/successful anywhere they go for undergrad. I prefer they find a good peer group for lifelong friendships but you can find your people in many schools.

[Anonymous]

I am going through a similar situation (not Ivy related) with my daughter. Both DH and I are immigrants and have overcome a lot of adversity to be where we are now. It is frustrating when you see that your kid does not want to put in the hard work to succeed.

I guess OP's frustration is not only stemming from the fact that her daughter has no interest in applying to her ivy but she's more frustrated that her daughter is not achieving her full potential and is backing off because she may not want to work hard and put in the effort.

OP, if you truly feel your daughter has the potential to do well in the advanced classes but is just plain lazy, then push her and encourage her in whatever way you can. She'll thank you later.

If she truly does not have the potential, then let go and set lower goals for her that are more reasonable to achieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put her in foster care to beef up her application.

Do DNA testing. Maybe you're diverse.

First generation college, students and POC. I bet that really makes you mad.

Bet my white privilege really makes you mad

Ouch, that was a slam!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a similar situation (not Ivy related) with my daughter. Both DH and I are immigrants and have overcome a lot of adversity to be where we are now. It is frustrating when you see that your kid does not want to put in the hard work to succeed.

I guess OP's frustration is not only stemming from the fact that her daughter has no interest in applying to her ivy but she's more frustrated that her daughter is not achieving her full potential and is backing off because she may not want to work hard and put in the effort.

OP, if you truly feel your daughter has the potential to do well in the advanced classes but is just plain lazy, then push her and encourage her in whatever way you can. She'll thank you later.

If she truly does not have the potential, then let go and set lower goals for her that are more reasonable to achieve.

Immigrant from what country? I bet I can narrow it down.

[Anonymous]

Motivation for working hard enough to go be competitive for a selective school has to come from the kid. It cannot come from you. All you can do is tell your kid she is taking some options off the table if she isn’t taking the most rigorous classes. Yes, her 9th grade self might not be good at forward planning, but again that is what is needed for competitive schools. Support the kid you have.

I have two kids. One was insanely motivated. Is at Harvard/Stanford/mit. The other is smarter than his sis (I think) but made the choice to enjoy HS instead. He plays on a (middling) soccer team, does some clubs, and a mix of classes. He probably won’t even apply to his sister’s school. But I do know that he will do great in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

I have to say, OP, that I find it difficult to believe that you actually went to an Ivy League school given how poorly you write. Or maybe you’re just writing quickly and stressfully because you yourself are so stressed out. Which again leads to the question: who is the one who REALLY wants this? You or your kid?

I came from nothing as well. I ended up in fancy schools and in a very high paying and prestigious job and with four kids. Some of them went to fancy colleges and others didn’t. Fast forward a few years and the college that each went to has had no impact on their professional lives or their happiness. Zero.

This is consistent with numerous studies showing that going to a fancy college is more important to advancing professionally for a “come from nothing” than for a middle or upper class kid.

The bottom line is that your kid doesn’t need the leg up that you did. So you can and should relax for both of your sakes.

[Anonymous]

She needs to stick it out to get into her state flagship or decent college.

I know kids with 4.2 weighted GPAs, multiple AP courses, etc, get rejected from UMD.

This isn’t about the Ivy League, OP. It’s about something much more important: YOUR MONEY. Specifically, not wasting it on a 60K/yr no-name out-of-state college just because your kid can’t get into State U.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to an Ivy League school on full scholarship. My husband also went to a highly selective university on full scholarship. We have worked very hard over difficult odds in our lives. Since DD was little, she wanted to go to my alma mater. First year in HS, it’s looking like it’s not in the cards. She is absolutely miserable in her advanced classes & doesn’t want to take on the rigor she needs to take next year. She is doing well academically but at what cost? She is so stressed and unhappy and wants to take “regular” classes next year. It is a constant fight between us daily about her workload now and about her future. I’m torn between pushing with tough love because she is young and maybe she will thank me later vs considering that maybe it is just too much for her, to let her make her own choices, and to prioritize her wellbeing. Frustrating because I know the latter will close some doors for her and she is better than this. What do you think DCUM and has anyone btdt?

No, she isn't. Being Ivy league caliber does not make one "better" than anyone else. What doors are actually closing? It's fun to have an affinity with others who went to your school, but in my professional life, I've found that after you've gotten your first job, no one cares. Maybe that's different for Ivy leaguers.

[Anonymous]

If you are posting on this board, your DD has little chance of getting into an Ivy no matter what she does. Facts.

The landscape is different now. DH and I (same backgrounds and paths as you) accepted that long ago for our kids and so should you. Let your DD enjoy high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, let it go. Your daughter has not wanted to go to your Alma mater since she was little; you’ve planted that in her head.

So, in fairness...certain Ivy schools throw pretty crazy 5-year reunions that are well attended by alums. It is like a Carnival for the kids, who as they get older (like 8-13), are able to run around to all the different 5-year reunion tents...where one tent has a moonbounce, one tent maybe has carnival games...free food and soda...tons of other kids playing pickup games, etc.

For many years of course, our kids would say, I want to go to alma mater...not because of anything academic or crazy, but because to them they associated it with non-stop fun and games (literally).

We never pushed anything on them and as they grew up, they of course matured. First decided it wasn't for them and second likely has no interest either.

You pushed your alma mater on them every time you took them to a reunion. Most alums skip theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I also went to an Ivy. Our dcs are excellent students, well-rounded people...And they would never get in now. The college landscape has changed so much and is so competitive. I have zero doubts they'd excel at an Ivy, but it won't happen. They will probably go to our state flagship.

I’m watching this unfold now with a couple of DDs classmates - including 2 families we’ve known since kindergarten. It’s just hard all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, let it go. Your daughter has not wanted to go to your Alma mater since she was little; you’ve planted that in her head.

So, in fairness...certain Ivy schools throw pretty crazy 5-year reunions that are well attended by alums. It is like a Carnival for the kids, who as they get older (like 8-13), are able to run around to all the different 5-year reunion tents...where one tent has a moonbounce, one tent maybe has carnival games...free food and soda...tons of other kids playing pickup games, etc.

For many years of course, our kids would say, I want to go to alma mater...not because of anything academic or crazy, but because to them they associated it with non-stop fun and games (literally).

We never pushed anything on them and as they grew up, they of course matured. First decided it wasn't for them and second likely has no interest either.

You pushed your alma mater on them every time you took them to a reunion. Most alums skip theirs.

Geez...what's your problem? At a couple of these schools, over 70% of the class goes to a 5-year reunion.

[Anonymous]

If your kid is already miserable as a freshman in whatever advanced freshman classes she’s taking—it’s not going to get better if you push her, the misery will just compound. She’s certainly not going to magically become an accomplished well rounded happy person if she’s constantly dragging due to her classes. So, your plan is what exactly? Just have her be miserable for four years and either a) be a devastated failure if she can’t get into Cornell or wherever you went; or b) send a miserable young woman off to a cut throat college.

And no, not all of us are pushing top 20 colleges. Neither of my kids is interested in letting US News rankings dictate the “best” place for them—that’s a decision that should take into account many many factors beyond a ranking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Do you honestly think you are where you are only because you went to Ivys? Not because you were hard workers and smart? You really couldn’t haven’t gotten where you are by having gone to a state school or regional university?

I ask because my husband and I went to a school ranked lower than 100 and we are both doing really well. In fulfilling jobs, too (not big law or finance). My husband is honestly one of the smartest people I know, and incredibly hard working. He didn’t need and Ivy to succeed, and neither did I.

I hate anecdotes. They never support the points people are trying to make and anytime they are given in the context of elite schools, there is no winning.

Did Jeff Bezos need Princeton? I don't know...but he came from a modest background and is the richest person in the world.

The list of the richest people and elite schools can go on-and-on.

We’re not talking about the richest people here. Most of us are not planning on raising the next Bezos. We’re talking about success - not the richest CEO or whatever. Ivies clearly don’t guarantee that (or anything). There are only a certain # of Ivies. You don’t need an Ivy league education to be successful. That is a fact. Not sure why people insist otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to an Ivy League school on full scholarship. My husband also went to a highly selective university on full scholarship. We have worked very hard over difficult odds in our lives. Since DD was little, she wanted to go to my alma mater. First year in HS, it’s looking like it’s not in the cards. She is absolutely miserable in her advanced classes & doesn’t want to take on the rigor she needs to take next year. She is doing well academically but at what cost? She is so stressed and unhappy and wants to take “regular” classes next year. It is a constant fight between us daily about her workload now and about her future. I’m torn between pushing with tough love because she is young and maybe she will thank me later vs considering that maybe it is just too much for her, to let her make her own choices, and to prioritize her wellbeing. Frustrating because I know the latter will close some doors for her and she is better than this. What do you think DCUM and has anyone btdt?

No, she isn't. Being Ivy league caliber does not make one "better" than anyone else. What doors are actually closing? It's fun to have an affinity with others who went to your school, but in my professional life, I've found that after you've gotten your first job, no one cares. Maybe that's different for Ivy leaguers.

The two Ivy League grads I know are regular joes with regular jobs. I’d suspect that’s the majority of Ivy league grads.