Letting the Ivy plan go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, let it go. Your daughter has not wanted to go to your Alma mater since she was little; you’ve planted that in her head.

So, in fairness...certain Ivy schools throw pretty crazy 5-year reunions that are well attended by alums. It is like a Carnival for the kids, who as they get older (like 8-13), are able to run around to all the different 5-year reunion tents...where one tent has a moonbounce, one tent maybe has carnival games...free food and soda...tons of other kids playing pickup games, etc.

For many years of course, our kids would say, I want to go to alma mater...not because of anything academic or crazy, but because to them they associated it with non-stop fun and games (literally).

We never pushed anything on them and as they grew up, they of course matured. First decided it wasn't for them and second likely has no interest either.

You pushed your alma mater on them every time you took them to a reunion. Most alums skip theirs.

Geez...what's your problem? At a couple of these schools, over 70% of the class goes to a 5-year reunion.

The operative word is “these.” It’s not like that with most colleges. Most people put college behind them and move on with their lives once they graduate. They get together with their college friends outside of college without attending reunions. That’s not the case with Ivies and similar schools. You guys can’t let it go, can’t get over your “glory days,” bring your kids to reunions, talk about your college incessantly - then claim you’re not putting any pressure on your kids or that you don’t care what college they attend.

Such utter bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I also went to an Ivy. Our dcs are excellent students, well-rounded people...And they would never get in now. The college landscape has changed so much and is so competitive. I have zero doubts they'd excel at an Ivy, but it won't happen. They will probably go to our state flagship.

I’m watching this unfold now with a couple of DDs classmates - including 2 families we’ve known since kindergarten. It’s just hard all around.

It is hard, and I won't lie: I find it tough to swallow. These are kids who are working much more than we did, are taking more APs, also doing varsity sports, have other ECs...We got in with fewer accomplishments. I feel bad for this generation of kids tbh, working harder to just have a chance to get into flagships when they could have gotten into a top school 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll like a great many of these threads. Seemingly feels like it is dcum’s strategy to keep people on here.

[Anonymous]

You need to let this dream go. Plenty of other great colleges your kid can attend. I’m going through this now and I can’t say it’s easy to accept, but you must reframe this in your mind and help your kid be the best they can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, at what cost. That's important. Your child is an individual human, not a clone of you.

Op. Absolutely. I know this. And I’m looking at myself to be sure none of that is going on here. I can absolutely let go and it does not need to be that my kids are an extension of me. But I also wonder if this is a phase that will pass and then she will regret her choices later. It’s unfortunate that the road to selective schools don’t mesh with adolescent development. She is in 9th grade and has many years before fully formed decision-making center of the brain while the instant gratification portion of the brain is on full throttle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And no, not all of us are pushing top 20 colleges. Neither of my kids is interested in letting US News rankings dictate the “best” place for them—that’s a decision that should take into account many many factors beyond a ranking.

This. My DC has gotten into a lot of strong academic schools, including UVA, but will most likely choose a school in the 80-100 US News range, because it's the best fit for her particular niche interest area. Did I want her to go to my Top 20 alma mater? Sure, but as others have said, if you are posting on this board, it's likely your kid will be fine. I was first gen, and it definitely opened a lot of doors for me that my blue collar parents could only imagine. DC has a great network already thanks to me (and DH) and that matters for so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, let it go. Your daughter has not wanted to go to your Alma mater since she was little; you’ve planted that in her head.

So, in fairness...certain Ivy schools throw pretty crazy 5-year reunions that are well attended by alums. It is like a Carnival for the kids, who as they get older (like 8-13), are able to run around to all the different 5-year reunion tents...where one tent has a moonbounce, one tent maybe has carnival games...free food and soda...tons of other kids playing pickup games, etc.

For many years of course, our kids would say, I want to go to alma mater...not because of anything academic or crazy, but because to them they associated it with non-stop fun and games (literally).

We never pushed anything on them and as they grew up, they of course matured. First decided it wasn't for them and second likely has no interest either.

You pushed your alma mater on them every time you took them to a reunion. Most alums skip theirs.

Geez...what's your problem? At a couple of these schools, over 70% of the class goes to a 5-year reunion.

The operative word is “these.” It’s not like that with most colleges. Most people put college behind them and move on with their lives once they graduate. They get together with their college friends outside of college without attending reunions. That’s not the case with Ivies and similar schools. You guys can’t let it go, can’t get over your “glory days,” bring your kids to reunions, talk about your college incessantly - then claim you’re not putting any pressure on your kids or that you don’t care what college they attend.

Such utter bullshit.

So, nobody is supposed to bring their young kids to a college reunion?

I know lots of Penn State grads who are pretty loyal (but with 10,000 kids a class you won't get 7,000 at a reunion) and attend 5-year reunions. Is that utter BS too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, at what cost. That's important. Your child is an individual human, not a clone of you.

Op. Absolutely. I know this. And I’m looking at myself to be sure none of that is going on here. I can absolutely let go and it does not need to be that my kids are an extension of me. But I also wonder if this is a phase that will pass and then she will regret her choices later. It’s unfortunate that the road to selective schools don’t mesh with adolescent development. She is in 9th grade and has many years before fully formed decision-making center of the brain while the instant gratification portion of the brain is on full throttle.

You’re so full of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, at what cost. That's important. Your child is an individual human, not a clone of you.

Op. Absolutely. I know this. And I’m looking at myself to be sure none of that is going on here. I can absolutely let go and it does not need to be that my kids are an extension of me. But I also wonder if this is a phase that will pass and then she will regret her choices later. It’s unfortunate that the road to selective schools don’t mesh with adolescent development. She is in 9th grade and has many years before fully formed decision-making center of the brain while the instant gratification portion of the brain is on full throttle.

OP you really, really need to get ahold of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if she did everything "right," she's not guaranteed of acceptance. It's your job to parent the child you have, which includes guiding her toward classes and activities that fit her strengths. It also means teaching her that there is no one right path to adult success.

+1 and it’s really ridiculous that you have allowed a child to focus on attending a particular college her whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m torn between pushing with tough love because she is young and maybe she will thank me later vs considering that maybe it is just too much for her, to let her make her own choices, and to prioritize her wellbeing. Frustrating because I know the latter will close some doors for her and she is better than this. What do you think DCUM and has anyone btdt?

I think we need to spend some time getting OP to see how completely gross this attitude is.

NO. Where you get into college does not make someone better or worse than someone else at a different college.

As for your later comment that you are sure we all want our kids to get into good colleges: I wanted my kids to get into great colleges, and they did. But not one of them ended up at the most selective of the schools they got into, and you know what? I was a little bummed about that decision in some cases, and I also recognized that as my issue and effing shut up about it around the kid who was picking.

And they all ended up at the right places for them, even if their choices didn't impress people as much as other options would have.

Do you want to be the one making your kid miserable? You have that power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I also went to an Ivy. Our dcs are excellent students, well-rounded people...And they would never get in now. The college landscape has changed so much and is so competitive. I have zero doubts they'd excel at an Ivy, but it won't happen. They will probably go to our state flagship.

This. Even if you push, the likelihood of getting your kid into an Ivy is slim. If OP's kid doesn't want to take honors classes, state flagship may not be on the table either.

[Anonymous]

Neighbor girl is a senior (minority) and I've known her since she was a toddler. This girl is DRIVEN. Her GPA is insane, pushed herself to take every advanced course there is in HS, took SATs multiple times after many prep courses. Well rounded with sports, clubs, a job, etc. She basically didn't have a social life to pursue the academic track that her parents expected of her. Her first choice of school was UVA -- outright denied. I will NEVER set my kid up that kind of devastation. Ever. Witnessing this go down has been one of the most heartbreaking things and the parents are lovely and well-intentioned but it simply did not need to happen like this. She should be enjoying HS and celebrating whatever school she gets into, not going into a depression about not getting into her parents alma mater. I've learned so much from this scenario and saw it play out over the last 4 years....it.is.not.worth.it!!!! I hope you think loooooong and hard before you do this to your child, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Do you honestly think you are where you are only because you went to Ivys? Not because you were hard workers and smart? You really couldn’t haven’t gotten where you are by having gone to a state school or regional university?

I ask because my husband and I went to a school ranked lower than 100 and we are both doing really well. In fulfilling jobs, too (not big law or finance). My husband is honestly one of the smartest people I know, and incredibly hard working. He didn’t need and Ivy to succeed, and neither did I.

Op here. Thank you for this perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good Lord, let it go. Your daughter has not wanted to go to your Alma mater since she was little; you’ve planted that in her head.

So, in fairness...certain Ivy schools throw pretty crazy 5-year reunions that are well attended by alums. It is like a Carnival for the kids, who as they get older (like 8-13), are able to run around to all the different 5-year reunion tents...where one tent has a moonbounce, one tent maybe has carnival games...free food and soda...tons of other kids playing pickup games, etc.

For many years of course, our kids would say, I want to go to alma mater...not because of anything academic or crazy, but because to them they associated it with non-stop fun and games (literally).

We never pushed anything on them and as they grew up, they of course matured. First decided it wasn't for them and second likely has no interest either.

You pushed your alma mater on them every time you took them to a reunion. Most alums skip theirs.

Geez...what's your problem? At a couple of these schools, over 70% of the class goes to a 5-year reunion.

The operative word is “these.” It’s not like that with most colleges. Most people put college behind them and move on with their lives once they graduate. They get together with their college friends outside of college without attending reunions. That’s not the case with Ivies and similar schools. You guys can’t let it go, can’t get over your “glory days,” bring your kids to reunions, talk about your college incessantly - then claim you’re not putting any pressure on your kids or that you don’t care what college they attend.

Such utter bullshit.

So, nobody is supposed to bring their young kids to a college reunion?

I know lots of Penn State grads who are pretty loyal (but with 10,000 kids a class you won't get 7,000 at a reunion) and attend 5-year reunions. Is that utter BS too?

She said 70 percent of the grads at “these” schools attend reunions. That doesn’t happen at Penn State.

Sure, State U grads can be equally loyal to their schools and want their own kids to go to them, but (1) their reasons are different (they don’t consider themselves or their kids failures if the kids go elsewhere and (2) their aspirations are far more reasonable.