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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, we are kindred spirits. I had a similar traumatic childhood with two mentally ill, addict, abusive parents. It really messed me up, I had zero self esteem and in friendships and relationships alike I allowed myself to be exploited and manipulated because it was the only model I knew. I was also the person at college who rarely went to parties or did fun activities - I was the sober friend who left the library at 2am to pick up all my drunk friends from the bar and drop them home. I was always seeking more ways to achieve academically and be a standout - I spent 10 years in higher education, it was one of the most rewarding periods of my life and I realize now after doing a few years of very good therapy and working through a lot of my childhood trauma - by working through I mean coming to understand how it influenced everything else in my life - that my time at university was a kind of addiction, where I sought out professors I admired and worked my rear off to impress them and get the praise I never got as a child, even though I was a much better behaved than typical child.

I never married, because I kept having relationships that seemed okay to begin with and then I recognized were some version of me trying to work through stuff with a partner who behaved in ways similar to my parents. Now I know a lot better, but I'm in menopause and couldn't care less about having a partner - I feel like I owe myself the rest of my life and owe myself the majority of my love.

I wonder if the dependent love you referenced is a codependent love? Has your husband maybe always treated you a certain way, but it's only now that you've done the work to grapple with your childhood trauma that you are recognizing how he speaks to you in a way that undermines you, that it isn't new but that your eyes are newly open to it? In any case it's concerning that he is so resistant to the possibility of couple's therapy, or doing any work at all on himself and the relationship. That's not a healthy mindset and it raises red flags in my mind.

Anyway I just wanted to post and say, I get you. I have a lot of regret about how I lived the first four decades of my life, and how that was shaped by the toxicity I experienced as a child. I've accomplished a lot and I like the person I am now, but I can't help thinking about what I might have been or accomplished if I'd had loving parents who encouraged me and built me up instead of tearing me down on a daily basis.

I'm glad you see that you did a good job with your children and that you have pride in that - that's a big thing. Beyond that, I would urge you to work hard on letting go of the regret. It's over done with gone, there is no changing the past and every moment you spend regretting is a moment lost that could be spent at peace or in joy. I know that's not always easy to keep in mind, it's one of the great struggles of being human. Work on mindfulness and acceptance.

But I would not encourage you to accept your husband's denigration. If he won't acknowledge how damaging that is - not only to you, but to your kids if they are hearing the things he's saying to you - then it might be that your marriage was for a season and not for a lifetime. It might have served you when you were still that abused kid and he was a nicer alternative to what you experienced at home, but now that you are not that abused kid and you have confidence and you are seeing his behavior as harmful, it might be that you have to move on if he isn't open at all to growth and accountability.

40s is still young. You could have another 40-50 years ahead of you. Keep growing.[/quote]

Op here. Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.[/quote]

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