Suddenly seems like not enough HHI despite great relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are motivated by money, I strongly suggest finding a partner that is also motivated by money. Otherwise, you will grow to resent the man you are with and his motivation level (or lack thereof) to provide for his family. All of your money concerns will only go up after having kids, not down. Kids are terribly expensive and the cost of college tuition is becoming unconscionable. There are some people who are fine living very modestly and do not feel the need to pay for their kids' college. I am not one of them so I work hard in a high-paying job to provide for my family and chose a partner who also does the same. You need to find someone who is aligned with your financial goals and values.

"I want to be rich" is not a value. Quite the opposite. But I agree if this is the way you think you should find someone aligned with your lack of values.

I respectfully disagree with how you characterized my post. "I want to be rich" is not the value I am talking about. I actually live a relatively modest life, drive 10 year old cars that are paid for, etc. What I value is being able to provide for my family and not have any of us worry about how we are going to pay for a house in a safe neighborhood, pay for college/lessons/private school if needed, pay for any and all health care bills, donate to charities, and take care of our much less well off siblings and parents in their old age. And yes, I would like to pay for fresh/healthy food and vacations where we can travel the world. These are my values and when I got married, I picked someone whose values aligned with my own. I am unapologetic in my view that money makes life a lot easier and provides a tremendous amount of safety and security. Luckily, my husband agrees and that is why our marriage works. OP - He is also a wonderful, caring, human being who prioritizes his friends, family, and colleagues. It is not one or the other.

[Anonymous]

It's always about money with you ladies, isn't it?

$250k puts OP in the top 3.5 percent in the country. Your biggest future concern should be the higher income taxes which are coming in 2025.

[Anonymous]

The last 3 years have been a disaster for those trying to get ahead , as soon as they started raising rates americas standard of living went way down. Sad

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you own a home if you're not married?

PP, Plenty of single people own homes. Don’t be an idiot.

OP, plenty of people making less than $500,000 or whatever ridiculous random arbitrary figure you think have happy lives and own homes. Don’t be an idiot.

OP. I don’t own a home yet. I rent, as does my boyfriend.

I married the guy I fell in love with. We couldn’t make it financially in DC, so we moved to a LCOL area. Could I have married wealthier? Yes. Three times over at least. But I’d rather be happy in nowhere, USA than rich in the McLean pyramid.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

+100. Best post on the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you own a home if you're not married?

Buying a home as a single person was the smartest financial decision I’ve ever made. Bought in Arlington in 2008. Wanted a townhouse and my friend convinced me a house was a smarter move. Set me up for life on real estate purchasing when we wanted to move.

Op, this is driven by what you want in life If you want a large house, expensive trips, new cars, then someone’s earning potential moves closer to the top of your requirements. If you’re a homebody and have no desire to own a home, earning capacity can slide down the list.

Man, if only I had been smart enough to buy a SFH in Arlington when I was in middle school! Guess I’m just dumb because I bought a 550k TH in 2020 on a 250k income when all the SFH’s near me are 7 figures.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree, OP.
I don’t know that everything is 30% more expensive than it was a few years ago, but I do think that either the amount of money you need to be wealthy OR the idea of what it looks like to be wealthy needs to shift from where it was 30 years ago.

Only relatively wealthy people have all of the following:
- regular vacations where you fly to a destination and stay in a hotel
- homes that they own near where they work
- adequate retirement savings
- savings for kids’ college
- nice food and groceries whenever
- high quality childcare
- nicely decorated homes
- regular new clothes
- nice/newish cars
- good medical/dental care

I think there is a narrative that everyone has these things, and UMC folks have this and more. The reality is that lots of people have SOME of these things, but you have to have quite a bit of money to have ALL of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

+100. Best post on the thread.

+200 Marry the person you really can make that "better or worse" commitment to. Salary wouldn't really factor into it for me, as long as he's committed to a career. As a PP said, that could be a lower paying career like teaching and that's fine. Being lazy or unable to hold down a job are dealbreakers, not the specific salary.

FWIW, DH and I made about the same income when we married (NOT $250k level but about that combined considering inflation). Our income and work balance has had a lot of ups and downs over the years. He got laid off at one point, I spent a few years working PT when we had little kids. He shifted to an at-home job when the kids were in their early teens so someone would be home after school. Over time my income grew, he got pushed into retirement at 60 and now I'm the breadwinner as I plan to work another 5-7 years. It's all been fine.

If the combined income, when you already make plenty to support a comfortable life, is keeping you from committing, then he's probably not the right guy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you own a home if you're not married?

Buying a home as a single person was the smartest financial decision I’ve ever made. Bought in Arlington in 2008. Wanted a townhouse and my friend convinced me a house was a smarter move. Set me up for life on real estate purchasing when we wanted to move.

Op, this is driven by what you want in life If you want a large house, expensive trips, new cars, then someone’s earning potential moves closer to the top of your requirements. If you’re a homebody and have no desire to own a home, earning capacity can slide down the list.

Man, if only I had been smart enough to buy a SFH in Arlington when I was in middle school! Guess I’m just dumb because I bought a 550k TH in 2020 on a 250k income when all the SFH’s near me are 7 figures.

Look behind you! A chip from your shoulder fell off!

🙄 the reply was to the person questioning why a single person would buy a home. The answer is - because it makes more financial sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have the looks and personality to level up? Water usually finds its own level so there's something to be said about being happy where you are

Yes and no. I have typically dated higher earning guys in the $250-600K range but they eventually became very demanding and critical, either bc they really were not nice people or bc I’m actually not good enough; also one despite earning about $350K was cheap. I do actually require a good relationship and the overlap between high earning and kind person is going to be relatively small it seems.

Yes, I believe your post has amply demonstrated the bolded. As the PP said, water seeks its own level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

Another +100. I know a couple with a similar situation, with the DH (in his early 40s and with a great career) incapacitated very suddenly and for life. They were a strong couple before, and seem even stronger after, and handle the day to day with a lot of humor and grace. They had married when they both were very poor--not just "I hate that Twix is $2.50" but genuinely strapped for cash. I think the fact OP will never have that experience with a partner means she has no understanding of a love that works through everything as a couple, financial and otherwise. That experience is invaluable to draw on if something catastrophic happens.

I suspect OP and many others would have left my friend's DH, or stayed and stewed in resentment and anger over something totally out of the DH's control. Everything CAN fall apart in an instant, and plans for your life evaporate. I don't think OP at this point has the resilience or the actual, mature love to handle a crisis like yours, PP, or like my friend's.

And PP, I hope your DH and you and your kids are all doing well and loving your precious life as a family. I wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you own a home if you're not married?

Why do you consider marriage to be a prerequisite for homeownership? What an odd perspective.

[Anonymous]

Somehow, we make it on $100,000 annually combined.

We used to make more, but a layoff changed our course.

But we are still married and in love. 40 years now.


And we own a 5 bedroom house in a great little city in the Midwest. On a lake. With a boat.

You are a spoiled brat OP.