Suddenly seems like not enough HHI despite great relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you own a home if you're not married?

Buying a home as a single person was the smartest financial decision I’ve ever made. Bought in Arlington in 2008. Wanted a townhouse and my friend convinced me a house was a smarter move. Set me up for life on real estate purchasing when we wanted to move.

Op, this is driven by what you want in life If you want a large house, expensive trips, new cars, then someone’s earning potential moves closer to the top of your requirements. If you’re a homebody and have no desire to own a home, earning capacity can slide down the list.

Man, if only I had been smart enough to buy a SFH in Arlington when I was in middle school! Guess I’m just dumb because I bought a 550k TH in 2020 on a 250k income when all the SFH’s near me are 7 figures.

If you were in middle school in 2008 then you are in your twenties now. If you bought a townhouse for 550k then you are in a wealthy area. So no, I don’t think someone in their twenties needs to buy a single family home in a wealthy area. There are single family homes in my area of Silver Spring for less than your townhouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow, we make it on $100,000 annually combined.

We used to make more, but a layoff changed our course.

But we are still married and in love. 40 years now.


And we own a 5 bedroom house in a great little city in the Midwest. On a lake. With a boat.

You are a spoiled brat OP.

I am happy this works for you but I think it is harsh to call OP a brat. There is no way she can afford a 5 bedroom house on a lake in the DC area (without killing herself commuting from WV everyday) on 100k or even 250k. Not to mention, who knows how long ago you bought this house! If she was able to have your lifestyle on what she currently makes, I doubt she would be complaining. Also, most people can’t easily move to a LCOL area - they have jobs or families that tie them here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

I agree, but it is important to note that you were both at large firms, working hard to make a lot of money, pay off loans, and save a ton; then, a circumstance beyond your control changed things. You love him, for better or worse. This is different than dating and marrying men who have less ambition and work ethic than you from the outset. It's not sustainable to partner with someone who doesn't want what you want, or who isn't willing to work for it. It's a breeding ground for resentment. OP should date men who can meet her ambition and work ethic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree, OP.
I don’t know that everything is 30% more expensive than it was a few years ago, but I do think that either the amount of money you need to be wealthy OR the idea of what it looks like to be wealthy needs to shift from where it was 30 years ago.

Only relatively wealthy people have all of the following:
- regular vacations where you fly to a destination and stay in a hotel
- homes that they own near where they work
- adequate retirement savings
- savings for kids’ college
- nice food and groceries whenever
- high quality childcare
- nicely decorated homes
- regular new clothes
- nice/newish cars
- good medical/dental care

I think there is a narrative that everyone has these things, and UMC folks have this and more. The reality is that lots of people have SOME of these things, but you have to have quite a bit of money to have ALL of them.

Good call

[Anonymous]

LOL.

So many posters here pretending that money issues aren’t a huge driver of divorce.

Women take huge risks financially and physically having children. OP you should ABSOLUTELY evaluate value alignment as it relates to quality of life and financial outlook in your ruthless selection of a partner.

If you plan on getting and staying married, you get one chance to pick a mate. If you want to be a SAHM then you must also select a partner who supports that.

Financial values, are a far less shallow reason than “must be 6’3 tall”.

[Anonymous]

So you make $250K, how much does he make?

[Anonymous]

Op it depends on your shared money values. Is he a saver or a spender? Is he a workaholic? Does he want to be in a c suite? Plenty of mismatched couples with lots of money, it’s more important you are on the same page with time and money and how both are spent.

[Anonymous]

Save your money. This is ridiculous. My husband and I made made less than you when we bought a home. We had a baby at the time and he just finished grad school but we made sure to have no debt (he went where he got full ride).

We wanted to live in an expensive area with great public schools. One realtor kept pushing us to the far out suburbs so we switched and are grateful as our property has skyrocketed and it wouldn’t have happened in the more suburban areas. We bought smaller but have a huge lot for the area and went to the almost top of our budget. We knew we would only go up salary wise from here so we’re comfortable with that. Not everyone is. We also knew if we had to sell for an emergency we would have multiple offers.

We sacrificed for years. Didn’t buy Twix bars, no alcohol, no Netflix, used internet at work or went to the library, no fancy latte. We budgeted and we made less than you at the time we purchased and did it. No new clothes, no car, no trips.

People also have to get their heads out of the clouds. I wanted a beautiful colonial in a very desirable area. Out of budget. So we are literally a 7-10 minute walk from my favorite street in the same neighborhood and schools but own a one level home we made modern and lovely. Our lot is larger and we like our neighbors. We had to do work on it, and now I’m grateful for all the light and open rooms. You can’t always get what you want on your budget or you need to move a bit farther out.

If you want vacations, get a travel credit card! Look at the points guys online. My spouse travels a lot for work so thankfully we get points and status there but I know many people who use credit cards (and pay them) in order to get miles to fly and stay places. Or do what my SIL does and just drive everywhere with her 3 kids. They make good money but drive all over the Us and Canada with the kids to save on expensive flights. They also both have long commutes to jobs.

If it is too expensive to live here then move. A friend of mine just moved outside of Dallas because DC was too expensive for their family of 5. Both sides are in the DMV but they left family so they could buy a home and have a better life for them. Another friend who is currently in Australia wanted to move back and be in DC but realized she couldn’t afford to buy so now she’s looking into roles by her family in Texas or Arizona.

I have one kid OP. We want more but don’t know if it is good financially. As a child I quickly switched to private schools because our great public school had major issues in middle. I want to have that cushion in case I need to do that for my kids so for us that might mean only having one child. We all make choices. We are adults and need to own them.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are spending 2.50 for a TWIX bar, that is simply a waste of money. If you really, really like TWIX, buy a box of 36 from Costco, and enjoy each full-sized bar for $1.

I feel there must be other things in your budget that are similarly wasteful, and maybe that's why you are worried about money?

(our HHI is about $170k, we have a 4-bedroom in the city and pay $2000 PITI, drive a 20yo Toyota bc we never drive because we live in the city, etc etc. There are many paths. You just can't have every whim that you want all the time.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

I agree, but it is important to note that you were both at large firms, working hard to make a lot of money, pay off loans, and save a ton; then, a circumstance beyond your control changed things. You love him, for better or worse. This is different than dating and marrying men who have less ambition and work ethic than you from the outset. It's not sustainable to partner with someone who doesn't want what you want, or who isn't willing to work for it. It's a breeding ground for resentment. OP should date men who can meet her ambition and work ethic.

DP. You and OP both should read the threads here over the years from women moaning about how their DHs seemed so career-driven and had "ambition" when they dated and married, and then the women say the DHs changed. Or the DHs' great, career-track jobs changed, or a new boss came along and is making DH's life hell so the whole family's life is hell. Or DH won't leave his current job which is no longer lucrative enough and pursue the wonderful and more lucrative jobs the DW thinks he should be pursuing, so she's angry and resentful about it.

So easy to write that OP and others like her need to marry with a huge factor being "ambition, work ethic, someone who's willing to work for it." But --putting unavoidable catastrophe, illness, injury etc. aside -- what do you suggest they do when they DO marry these ambitious men and then the men, or the jobs, or the career fields, change? If all that ambition and striving, and the house and ability to SAH, are a vital part of the reason for marrying, the DWs are going to be profoundly dissatisfied. Of course everyone should be responsible with money, want to save for future goals, etc. But making a specific HHI or house or neighborhood etc. a goal when you're dating is asking for disappointment later, in many cases. Lots of threads along those lines here. Not enough love of the person to overcome the sour disappointment if he's not the ambitious striver she thought she saw during courtship.

[Anonymous]

My ambitious striver wants to leave and live in Indiana, you can win ‘em all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ambitious striver wants to leave and live in Indiana, you can win ‘em all.

Working for Eli Lilly and making 500k+ is smart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow, we make it on $100,000 annually combined.

We used to make more, but a layoff changed our course.

But we are still married and in love. 40 years now.


And we own a 5 bedroom house in a great little city in the Midwest. On a lake. With a boat.

You are a spoiled brat OP.

I don't understand why people that don't live in the DMV are hovering on this website and feel the need to provide completely irrelevant information.

There must be Midwest Urban Moms where you can hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Expect more.

We started so many programs to empower young girls while ignoring boys that now women are 20-30% more likely to go to college.

Women got their seat at the table and now they are faced with partners making less or bring SAHDs.

Deal.

Boo hoo, men now have to compete with women instead of riding the escalator of privilege. Cry me a river.

Au contraire, many are enjoying the benefits that SAHMs had for a century. I know more female primary bread winners in the 30-40 age brackets.

I have a nephew married to a doctor. I see friend’s sons married to partners in law firms. Sometimes they choose to have the dad be the one that stays home with the kids. Not a bad life for those dudes.

[Anonymous]

^ this is going to be more common as are single female households.