Suddenly seems like not enough HHI despite great relationship

[Anonymous]

I have a couple who are friends. Wife is a surgeon dad was an ICU nurse. Dad stays at home with the kids and mom works. He’s very active in everything. Actually in my kid’s school there are many SAHD or many who only work PT. One works PT in a coffee shop!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Expect more.

We started so many programs to empower young girls while ignoring boys that now women are 20-30% more likely to go to college.

Women got their seat at the table and now they are faced with partners making less or bring SAHDs.

Deal.

Boo hoo, men now have to compete with women instead of riding the escalator of privilege. Cry me a river.

Au contraire, many are enjoying the benefits that SAHMs had for a century. I know more female primary bread winners in the 30-40 age brackets.

I have a nephew married to a doctor. I see friend’s sons married to partners in law firms. Sometimes they choose to have the dad be the one that stays home with the kids. Not a bad life for those dudes.

Ridiculous gravy train considering they don’t pay the physical, emotional or career cost of bearing children. Those women are making poor decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationship is great. No questions there. But today I paid $2.50 for a smaller-than-used-to-be Twix bar from a vending machine. Each bag of groceries is $60, each tank of gas is $40. Things cost 30% more on sale than they did full price just a few years ago. Everything has gotten SO expensive and it seems like you need to make $250-300K each to keep up with basic things like home owning, cars, maintenance, insurance, college savings, health care let alone tuition or travel, in urban areas. We don’t own a home and our 7-year old cars will need replacement sooner or later. I work FT making $250K but see friends and family who never even had jobs living amazing lives purely bc of who they married. How mercenary does a person have to be these days (or any day really) in choosing a mate? I want to marry for love but don’t want to be the breadwinner or struggling economically either.

You are ridiculous and out of touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can't make it on $250k, you are doing it wrong. Check your entitlement level

+1. With no kids, you are rich AF. Check your lifestyle.

Exactly - $250k for a single person is a great lifestyle!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to agree, OP.
I don’t know that everything is 30% more expensive than it was a few years ago, but I do think that either the amount of money you need to be wealthy OR the idea of what it looks like to be wealthy needs to shift from where it was 30 years ago.

Only relatively wealthy people have all of the following:
- regular vacations where you fly to a destination and stay in a hotel
- homes that they own near where they work
- adequate retirement savings
- savings for kids’ college
- nice food and groceries whenever
- high quality childcare
- nicely decorated homes
- regular new clothes
- nice/newish cars
- good medical/dental care

I think there is a narrative that everyone has these things, and UMC folks have this and more. The reality is that lots of people have SOME of these things, but you have to have quite a bit of money to have ALL of them.

A generation ago, UMC/MC people did not have the same expectations of frequent flying vacations, new cars, expensive home renovations etc.

Some people are struggling but others are just unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

What's your question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Save your money. This is ridiculous. My husband and I made made less than you when we bought a home. We had a baby at the time and he just finished grad school but we made sure to have no debt (he went where he got full ride).

We wanted to live in an expensive area with great public schools. One realtor kept pushing us to the far out suburbs so we switched and are grateful as our property has skyrocketed and it wouldn’t have happened in the more suburban areas. We bought smaller but have a huge lot for the area and went to the almost top of our budget. We knew we would only go up salary wise from here so we’re comfortable with that. Not everyone is. We also knew if we had to sell for an emergency we would have multiple offers.

We sacrificed for years. Didn’t buy Twix bars, no alcohol, no Netflix, used internet at work or went to the library, no fancy latte. We budgeted and we made less than you at the time we purchased and did it. No new clothes, no car, no trips.

People also have to get their heads out of the clouds. I wanted a beautiful colonial in a very desirable area. Out of budget. So we are literally a 7-10 minute walk from my favorite street in the same neighborhood and schools but own a one level home we made modern and lovely. Our lot is larger and we like our neighbors. We had to do work on it, and now I’m grateful for all the light and open rooms. You can’t always get what you want on your budget or you need to move a bit farther out.

If you want vacations, get a travel credit card! Look at the points guys online. My spouse travels a lot for work so thankfully we get points and status there but I know many people who use credit cards (and pay them) in order to get miles to fly and stay places. Or do what my SIL does and just drive everywhere with her 3 kids. They make good money but drive all over the Us and Canada with the kids to save on expensive flights. They also both have long commutes to jobs.

If it is too expensive to live here then move. A friend of mine just moved outside of Dallas because DC was too expensive for their family of 5. Both sides are in the DMV but they left family so they could buy a home and have a better life for them. Another friend who is currently in Australia wanted to move back and be in DC but realized she couldn’t afford to buy so now she’s looking into roles by her family in Texas or Arizona.

I have one kid OP. We want more but don’t know if it is good financially. As a child I quickly switched to private schools because our great public school had major issues in middle. I want to have that cushion in case I need to do that for my kids so for us that might mean only having one child. We all make choices. We are adults and need to own them.

But that’s the problem with people like OP. They want everything all at once.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, OP is in a bind, no sarcasm. Women do not like to marry down socioeconomically, and are typically unhappy if they do. Because OP is looking to marry up, she is probably realizing that the high-earning/high net worth type of man she respects does not care about her 250k salary. After all, he already has plenty of money.

He cares about inner and outer beauty, her social grace, how she makes him feel, etc.

If OP is not at the upper end of hot+elegant, she is in a jam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton. Then he got sick and almost died. He hasn't been able to work in years. Guess what? I wouldn't trade our lives for anything. We have two kids, and he is my soul mate. Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married. Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen. Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.

I agree, but it is important to note that you were both at large firms, working hard to make a lot of money, pay off loans, and save a ton; then, a circumstance beyond your control changed things. You love him, for better or worse. This is different than dating and marrying men who have less ambition and work ethic than you from the outset. It's not sustainable to partner with someone who doesn't want what you want, or who isn't willing to work for it. It's a breeding ground for resentment. OP should date men who can meet her ambition and work ethic.

DP. You and OP both should read the threads here over the years from women moaning about how their DHs seemed so career-driven and had "ambition" when they dated and married, and then the women say the DHs changed. Or the DHs' great, career-track jobs changed, or a new boss came along and is making DH's life hell so the whole family's life is hell. Or DH won't leave his current job which is no longer lucrative enough and pursue the wonderful and more lucrative jobs the DW thinks he should be pursuing, so she's angry and resentful about it.

So easy to write that OP and others like her need to marry with a huge factor being "ambition, work ethic, someone who's willing to work for it." But --putting unavoidable catastrophe, illness, injury etc. aside -- what do you suggest they do when they DO marry these ambitious men and then the men, or the jobs, or the career fields, change? If all that ambition and striving, and the house and ability to SAH, are a vital part of the reason for marrying, the DWs are going to be profoundly dissatisfied. Of course everyone should be responsible with money, want to save for future goals, etc. But making a specific HHI or house or neighborhood etc. a goal when you're dating is asking for disappointment later, in many cases. Lots of threads along those lines here. Not enough love of the person to overcome the sour disappointment if he's not the ambitious striver she thought she saw during courtship.

If it matters, I advise OP to make sure he's an ambitious striver and not just playing the part. You could date men who are interested in having their wife stay home, even if that's not your intent, to screen for men looking for a sugar mamma. We all have friends whose husbands slack and let their wives carry the load; for the most part, they are not the happiest marriages, and I'd want to minimize that risk if I were OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can't make it on $250k, you are doing it wrong. Check your entitlement level

+1. With no kids, you are rich AF. Check your lifestyle.

Exactly - $250k for a single person is a great lifestyle!

OP. I’m not talking about a single persons lifestyle though, am I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, OP is in a bind, no sarcasm. Women do not like to marry down socioeconomically, and are typically unhappy if they do. Because OP is looking to marry up, she is probably realizing that the high-earning/high net worth type of man she respects does not care about her 250k salary. After all, he already has plenty of money.

He cares about inner and outer beauty, her social grace, how she makes him feel, etc.

If OP is not at the upper end of hot+elegant, she is in a jam.

Hi, I actually am at the upper end, or at least the upper 20%, of hot/elegant as well.

[Anonymous]

OP and I actually dumped someone who was giving off “kept man” vibes. He basically thought my salary meant he could kick back and relax. That doesn’t work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, OP is in a bind, no sarcasm. Women do not like to marry down socioeconomically, and are typically unhappy if they do. Because OP is looking to marry up, she is probably realizing that the high-earning/high net worth type of man she respects does not care about her 250k salary. After all, he already has plenty of money.

He cares about inner and outer beauty, her social grace, how she makes him feel, etc.

If OP is not at the upper end of hot+elegant, she is in a jam.

Hi, I actually am at the upper end, or at least the upper 20%, of hot/elegant as well.

Are you in sales? The only beautiful unmarried women I’ve ever seen making a mid-six figure income work in sales.

[Anonymous]

I hope $2.50 twix bar becomes a dcum meme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, OP is in a bind, no sarcasm. Women do not like to marry down socioeconomically, and are typically unhappy if they do. Because OP is looking to marry up, she is probably realizing that the high-earning/high net worth type of man she respects does not care about her 250k salary. After all, he already has plenty of money.

He cares about inner and outer beauty, her social grace, how she makes him feel, etc.

If OP is not at the upper end of hot+elegant, she is in a jam.

Hi, I actually am at the upper end, or at least the upper 20%, of hot/elegant as well.

Are you in sales? The only beautiful unmarried women I’ve ever seen making a mid-six figure income work in sales.

OP. I am not. And most of those women are tacky AF.