work from home is messing up my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

The decoration stuff didn't come up until maybe 5 years after marriage. I didn't decorate before that. We didn't watch a lot of TV before marriage as we were busy with grad school. The last time I can remember watching a TV series together cuddling was when our youngest was a newborn and he's almost 8. Dh doesn't listen to music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

You don’t have to leave the house. That’s not a problem at all.

You have to find something you can do together. I understand he doesn’t like shows - I’m the same way. So you 2 have to come up with something else, anything else - projects, crafts, home repair, cooking, yoga, games, sex, reading the same book together, reorganizing your closet…it can be anything.

Like I said, if he balks and can’t agree to spend 1 night doing something together, then you two should go to couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

The decoration stuff didn't come up until maybe 5 years after marriage. I didn't decorate before that. We didn't watch a lot of TV before marriage as we were busy with grad school. The last time I can remember watching a TV series together cuddling was when our youngest was a newborn and he's almost 8. Dh doesn't listen to music.

Your youngest is 8, but you have a toddler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

The decoration stuff didn't come up until maybe 5 years after marriage. I didn't decorate before that. We didn't watch a lot of TV before marriage as we were busy with grad school. The last time I can remember watching a TV series together cuddling was when our youngest was a newborn and he's almost 8. Dh doesn't listen to music.

Your youngest is 8, but you have a toddler?

Good catch.
OP is clearly a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

The decoration stuff didn't come up until maybe 5 years after marriage. I didn't decorate before that. We didn't watch a lot of TV before marriage as we were busy with grad school. The last time I can remember watching a TV series together cuddling was when our youngest was a newborn and he's almost 8. Dh doesn't listen to music.

Your youngest is 8, but you have a toddler?

Good catch.
OP is clearly a troll.

Op here. Typo. Oldest 8 youngest 4.

[Anonymous]

He is working. You should have no expectation of seeing him during the workday. I was working remotely 2011-2016 with infants and a nanny. I did not see them during the workday. I did not take calls from my husband during the workday.

This is a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH works from home for three days, but keep in mind that this has only been going on for eight months. He goes into the office for two days. He expects me not to talk to him or walk into the office ALL DAY from 8 am- after 6 pm. He also has been doing a lot of work after the kids go to bed at 8 pm. Before the 3-day schedule, he worked from every day starting when COVID-19 happened. I feel it's unreasonable to expect no interaction for so many hours when he works from home. We also have a toddler. I tried to get him to have lunch with us but gave up after a while because I would have to set a timer; otherwise, he would return to work after 15 minutes. Lately, I feel ignored, and what's the point of being married if you aren't spending time together? We never watch TV together. As I sit here, I am crying. When something big happens, I am hesitate to talk to him anymore, but I feel he cares about his computer or phone more than engaging with me.

Did you really set a timer for lunch? I’d be annoyed if DH tried to micromanage me like that. 20 minutes is a typical lunch for me.

Yes, I have because he needs to learn to take breaks. He's obsessed with work, and it's not healthy. It makes him irritable because he doesn't have a life outside of work. He snaps at the kids easily. He also has back pain issues. His eyes are always red.

You sound overbearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

This. I am a woman. I rarely taken a lunch break in 25 years…and I have 2 kids. OP—stop micromanaging his work…you are going to end up divorced and having to get a full time job yourself. You sound controlling and entitled.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is stressed. Remember she has a toddler and she wants her husband to acknowledge her existence once in a while and that’s fair. I was just like OP’s husband and my wife ended up filing for divorce. A year into therapy I found out that I had been dealing with serious depression and anxiety. It sneaked up on me as it didn’t affect my career and career trajectory but it destroyed our family life. OP’s husband may be depressed as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is stressed. Remember she has a toddler and she wants her husband to acknowledge her existence once in a while and that’s fair. I was just like OP’s husband and my wife ended up filing for divorce. A year into therapy I found out that I had been dealing with serious depression and anxiety. It sneaked up on me as it didn’t affect my career and career trajectory but it destroyed our family life. OP’s husband may be depressed as well.

Yes totally agree, but not between 8-5. Did you and you wife make it?

[Anonymous]

You don't have a toddler, you have a 4 year old who is old enough to know not to bother dad while he's working.

But the working from home isn't the issue. Your husband very clearly doesn't like you, the family, or anything related to the household. THAT is the issue you need to work on, not the fact that he won't eat lunch with you. You're so focused on it being a work thing that you're missing the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is stressed. Remember she has a toddler and she wants her husband to acknowledge her existence once in a while and that’s fair. I was just like OP’s husband and my wife ended up filing for divorce. A year into therapy I found out that I had been dealing with serious depression and anxiety. It sneaked up on me as it didn’t affect my career and career trajectory but it destroyed our family life. OP’s husband may be depressed as well.

Yes totally agree, but not between 8-5. Did you and you wife make it?

We divorced last summer and every day I regret not having paid more attention to my wife/kids. I guess some jobs require total focus for 9 straight hours, but if possible stealing a kiss and quick chat for like 5 mins is not too much on most days.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your DH may be having an EA with a coworker. I behaved the same way when I was involved in one. Everything my spouse did annoyed me and I didn’t want to spend anytime with them.