work from home is messing up my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man it’s hard to do statistics with a spreadsheet. Dh needs to learn to code. Anyway. Is he writing a lot and what’s your degree background are you any use? Can you proofread?

Op here. He codes. One window will be a spreadsheet usually and another coding. He has a Ph.D. in statistics and two master's degrees in statistics. I have tried helping him but he says no.

You can’t help him. You need to leave him alone and let him work/ you are far too needy. Stop it: stop relying on him for your entertainment. You are acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

This. I am a woman. I rarely taken a lunch break in 25 years…and I have 2 kids. OP—stop micromanaging his work…you are going to end up divorced and having to get a full time job yourself. You sound controlling and entitled.

Op here. That's not healthy for several reasons. If that works for you fine but again it's not healthy. Americans are too obsessed with work and then we wonder why we are stressed. No one is forcing my husband to work 13 hours a day except himself. If you need to work 13 hours a day something is wrong. There is very little time to do anything else. It will also cause physical problems to your body because sitting too much is bad for your health. Dh has back pain and one eye is red most of the time. He doesn't value the same things most people do. Downtime is important. Going out and doing activities with your family is also important. Life can't be all about working. It's one of the reasons he's irritable a lot because he doesn't do anything else except work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

This. I am a woman. I rarely taken a lunch break in 25 years…and I have 2 kids. OP—stop micromanaging his work…you are going to end up divorced and having to get a full time job yourself. You sound controlling and entitled.

Op here. That's not healthy for several reasons. If that works for you fine but again it's not healthy. Americans are too obsessed with work and then we wonder why we are stressed. No one is forcing my husband to work 13 hours a day except himself. If you need to work 13 hours a day something is wrong. There is very little time to do anything else. It will also cause physical problems to your body because sitting too much is bad for your health. Dh has back pain and one eye is red most of the time. He doesn't value the same things most people do. Downtime is important. Going out and doing activities with your family is also important. Life can't be all about working. It's one of the reasons he's irritable a lot because he doesn't do anything else except work.

You have no work ethic. I don’t have health problems. I am good. Some people like to work. You sound lazy. I hope you end up divorced and realize what it is like to work instead of being a freeloader who complains. I am a woman and would divorce you in a hot second. Women like you make all of us look bad. Some people work a lot. Deal with it. You are welcome to divorce and support yourself. Many people work 50-60 hours a week. It is not like 80… I have met people like that. You are clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

This. I am a woman. I rarely taken a lunch break in 25 years…and I have 2 kids. OP—stop micromanaging his work…you are going to end up divorced and having to get a full time job yourself. You sound controlling and entitled.

Op here. That's not healthy for several reasons. If that works for you fine but again it's not healthy. Americans are too obsessed with work and then we wonder why we are stressed. No one is forcing my husband to work 13 hours a day except himself. If you need to work 13 hours a day something is wrong. There is very little time to do anything else. It will also cause physical problems to your body because sitting too much is bad for your health. Dh has back pain and one eye is red most of the time. He doesn't value the same things most people do. Downtime is important. Going out and doing activities with your family is also important. Life can't be all about working. It's one of the reasons he's irritable a lot because he doesn't do anything else except work.

He is irritable because you are a nag.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds annoying, but as a side note, if I was smart and driven enough to get a PhD and two masters degrees in statistics, I'd pick a job that didn't require 60 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

I would be hurt like you are OP.

Am sorry to hear that you are facing this. 😕

I think your husband should at the very least have lunch w/you + your child every day.

It seems like he is not prioritizing his family here.
At all.

Aside from talking to him about how neglected you are feeling -> I really do not think of much else you can ask of him.

He needs to take the necessary steps to include his family into his workday somehow.

No exceptions.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

This. I am a woman. I rarely taken a lunch break in 25 years…and I have 2 kids. OP—stop micromanaging his work…you are going to end up divorced and having to get a full time job yourself. You sound controlling and entitled.

Op here. That's not healthy for several reasons. If that works for you fine but again it's not healthy. Americans are too obsessed with work and then we wonder why we are stressed. No one is forcing my husband to work 13 hours a day except himself. If you need to work 13 hours a day something is wrong. There is very little time to do anything else. It will also cause physical problems to your body because sitting too much is bad for your health. Dh has back pain and one eye is red most of the time. He doesn't value the same things most people do. Downtime is important. Going out and doing activities with your family is also important. Life can't be all about working. It's one of the reasons he's irritable a lot because he doesn't do anything else except work.

You have no work ethic. I don’t have health problems. I am good. Some people like to work. You sound lazy. I hope you end up divorced and realize what it is like to work instead of being a freeloader who complains. I am a woman and would divorce you in a hot second. Women like you make all of us look bad. Some people work a lot. Deal with it. You are welcome to divorce and support yourself. Many people work 50-60 hours a week. It is not like 80… I have met people like that. You are clueless.

Sounds like you are bad at math. 13 hours during the week and 6 on Saturdays is 70 hours a week.

I agree OP’s DH hates her for some reason. Not sure how much of it is his fault or hers. I will also say this is a common SAHM/breadwinner dynamic. The breadwinner simultaneously feels stressed and arrogant, emboldened to treat the wife and kids like crap because they are providing for them.

[Anonymous]

Another woman here. I work crazy hours, don’t take lunch and rarely interact with anyone when I work from home. I do this because I have deadlines. That’s it. I carry health insurarance for my family. My salary is an important part our HHI. I can’t afford to get fired.

[Anonymous]

Another woman NP here. I work from home (attorney) full time, so does DH (not an attorney but fairly senior management).

Unless we have preplanned a fun outing (a Costco trip or lunch, and usually never more than once a month), we absolutely never talk to each other during the day. Our head space is in work, not with our family. If dh had some kind of edict that I needed to have lunch for fifteen minutes every day with him, I think I would kill him. First, that’s just not how a job works - when and how I eat changes every day, based on my schedule and is often grabbing a yogurt and fruit while I’m on a zoom call. Second, if I did peel off for a few minutes, I can pull my head out of work that easily. And it’s very stressful if you’re asked to engage in someone else’s superficial discussions about how the kids poop was bit today, or about a Netflix show, when you’re mid thought about a major work project. End of day is different - because you’re done for the day. But if you know you’re back on in 15 minutes, it’s very difficult to shut off work brain.

Also, 50-60 hours just isn’t some kind of crazy work week, op. First, I actually think you’re exaggerating the hours, because first it was fifty hours and everyone told you that’s what every run of the mill job is, and then suddenly you’re saying sixty. And then oh he’s also working three more hours than that every night and all weekend as well. I think you’re full of crap because you didn’t like the answer you got. But honestly, it’s so offensive that you, with a ten hour a week fake job that contributes nothing to the household finances is lecturing her husband on what a “normal job” schedule should look like. How would you know what a normal job looks like? You don’t have a real job with real responsibilities.

Also, even if your dh does go back on line in the evenings or weekends to think through this big idea, how dare you lecture him on this not being an appropriate hobby or use of down time? It sounds like he really likes his field of study. Sounds like he is nerding out doing this. What’s wrong with that? Why is that inherently less acceptable during his down time than reading a book or watching Netflix?

But finally yes, he’s also spending this much time in his office working because he strongly dislikes you and is incredibly irritated with you. From your posts, I think that’s fair. This is a you problem, not a him problem.

Ps get the toddler, er 4 year old, out of his dad’s way during the work day!!! What the hell is wrong with you?!?

[Anonymous]

Another woman who also hates being interrupted at home when working from home. It’s all about being in the work headspace - frankly if I can’t have uninterrupted work headspace at home, it means my home headspace feels like work - so I have no boundaries or work/life separation.

50-60 hour a week jobs aren’t unusual. They aren’t great - but they are sometimes unavoidable - especially if your company has a lot of meetings you need to sit in on AND you have work product you need to generate. The more you can focus, the more efficient you can be, and the shorter your workday.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to get a job. If you are this dependent on your husband for entertainment, then SAH is not for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

Most people work thru their lunch hour. If my spouse didn't work and annoyed me while I tried to support my family, I would be very irritated.

This. I am a woman. I rarely taken a lunch break in 25 years…and I have 2 kids. OP—stop micromanaging his work…you are going to end up divorced and having to get a full time job yourself. You sound controlling and entitled.

Op here. That's not healthy for several reasons. If that works for you fine but again it's not healthy. Americans are too obsessed with work and then we wonder why we are stressed. No one is forcing my husband to work 13 hours a day except himself. If you need to work 13 hours a day something is wrong. There is very little time to do anything else. It will also cause physical problems to your body because sitting too much is bad for your health. Dh has back pain and one eye is red most of the time. He doesn't value the same things most people do. Downtime is important. Going out and doing activities with your family is also important. Life can't be all about working. It's one of the reasons he's irritable a lot because he doesn't do anything else except work.

You have no work ethic. I don’t have health problems. I am good. Some people like to work. You sound lazy. I hope you end up divorced and realize what it is like to work instead of being a freeloader who complains. I am a woman and would divorce you in a hot second. Women like you make all of us look bad. Some people work a lot. Deal with it. You are welcome to divorce and support yourself. Many people work 50-60 hours a week. It is not like 80… I have met people like that. You are clueless.

Sounds like you are bad at math. 13 hours during the week and 6 on Saturdays is 70 hours a week.

I agree OP’s DH hates her for some reason. Not sure how much of it is his fault or hers. I will also say this is a common SAHM/breadwinner dynamic. The breadwinner simultaneously feels stressed and arrogant, emboldened to treat the wife and kids like crap because they are providing for them.

No, I am not doing math. She said 50-60 hours. 70 hours is not unheard of. I am a woman and work this much a lot of weeks. OP is entitled and annoying. No one should expect to see their spouse during the work day. She needs a job herself. He is not treating her like crap. He is working. She is needy. They never should have gotten married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another woman NP here. I work from home (attorney) full time, so does DH (not an attorney but fairly senior management).

Unless we have preplanned a fun outing (a Costco trip or lunch, and usually never more than once a month), we absolutely never talk to each other during the day. Our head space is in work, not with our family. If dh had some kind of edict that I needed to have lunch for fifteen minutes every day with him, I think I would kill him. First, that’s just not how a job works - when and how I eat changes every day, based on my schedule and is often grabbing a yogurt and fruit while I’m on a zoom call. Second, if I did peel off for a few minutes, I can pull my head out of work that easily. And it’s very stressful if you’re asked to engage in someone else’s superficial discussions about how the kids poop was bit today, or about a Netflix show, when you’re mid thought about a major work project. End of day is different - because you’re done for the day. But if you know you’re back on in 15 minutes, it’s very difficult to shut off work brain.

Also, 50-60 hours just isn’t some kind of crazy work week, op. First, I actually think you’re exaggerating the hours, because first it was fifty hours and everyone told you that’s what every run of the mill job is, and then suddenly you’re saying sixty. And then oh he’s also working three more hours than that every night and all weekend as well. I think you’re full of crap because you didn’t like the answer you got. But honestly, it’s so offensive that you, with a ten hour a week fake job that contributes nothing to the household finances is lecturing her husband on what a “normal job” schedule should look like. How would you know what a normal job looks like? You don’t have a real job with real responsibilities.

Also, even if your dh does go back on line in the evenings or weekends to think through this big idea, how dare you lecture him on this not being an appropriate hobby or use of down time? It sounds like he really likes his field of study. Sounds like he is nerding out doing this. What’s wrong with that? Why is that inherently less acceptable during his down time than reading a book or watching Netflix?

But finally yes, he’s also spending this much time in his office working because he strongly dislikes you and is incredibly irritated with you. From your posts, I think that’s fair. This is a you problem, not a him problem.

Ps get the toddler, er 4 year old, out of his dad’s way during the work day!!! What the hell is wrong with you?!?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to get a job. If you are this dependent on your husband for entertainment, then SAH is not for you.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be hurt like you are OP.

Am sorry to hear that you are facing this. 😕

I think your husband should at the very least have lunch w/you + your child every day.

It seems like he is not prioritizing his family here.
At all.

Aside from talking to him about how neglected you are feeling -> I really do not think of much else you can ask of him.

He needs to take the necessary steps to include his family into his workday somehow.

No exceptions.

No one does this. They are working! They don’t take breaks at home for lunch with family. When you work from home you are not home—you are working. This expectation is ridiculous.

Second, he is working. This is not “he is not prioritizing his family.” He has a job and is supporting them. He make like work a lot. OP should get a job. Maybe he could work less but guess what? If both working, they would see each other even less. She needs a life and to stop relying on her spouse for entertainment.