work from home is messing up my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? You sound very immature.

Both of them sound immature. He sounds like an immature jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a work from home problem.

Op here. It's related. if he wasn't home so much, I wouldn't feel the need to engage with him

Jesus Christ. GROW UP.

Although I do think this is likely a troll post.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

The decoration stuff didn't come up until maybe 5 years after marriage. I didn't decorate before that. We didn't watch a lot of TV before marriage as we were busy with grad school. The last time I can remember watching a TV series together cuddling was when our youngest was a newborn and he's almost 8. Dh doesn't listen to music.

Your youngest is 8, but you have a toddler?

Good catch.
OP is clearly a troll.

Op here. Typo. Oldest 8 youngest 4.

So I’m 90% sure you’re a troll, but I’ve met a few people who are pretty incapable of handling life, so maybe.

So assuming you are real - a 4 year old is not a toddler. Put the kid in preschool for at least part of the day the days your H works from home. The ‘toddler’ will also hopefully learn to behave in a civil manner and not disrupt his dad.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a researcher who is gunning for publications in major journals. It is understandable that he works long hours and prefers quiet and to not be interrupted. Doesn’t make it right. But if he gets annoyed by kid chaos, he may also be trying to avoid family life as well.

Try talking to him to see if there is an end to the long hours? Can he take a break after he completes his papers? Can you hire a sitter so you can go out for a quiet night? What would make him come out and enjoy life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[list]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your interaction with him when he's at the official? Text? FaceTime? Nothing?

not much. he will text and ask if we are okay. the lunch thing bugs me. he should be taking a break for lunch. he would do that at the office. he's not taking lunch and he's working more than he would be if he goes to the office. 10+ hours a day isn't normal.

I'm beginning to think we've been trolled.

Or OP is the wife of the J1 J2 guy……

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To look at this from another perspective, Im a DW with a DH who wfh every day. I can wfh whenever I want, only need to go in really once/wk. BUT I go in almost every day bc my DH ALWAYS wants to come into my home office and chat and it interrupts my work. Its like he listens outside of my office for me to finish w a call and then comes in, while Im trying to take notes from the call, review emails I missed during call, etc.

So Im spending more $ on gas, more of my time in the car and more effort getting office-ready bc my DH doesnt understand that I work during work hours.

It sounds like you have a more demanding job than he does and he likes spending time with you. Have you tried telling him this?

OP, is there any way that your DH can go into the office more? It sounds like he has some trouble focusing at home. WFH isn’t right for everyone just like remote school wasn’t right for all kids. The timer thing is what suggests this. It’s common for people with attention challenges to rely on timers for normal tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - before this schedule he was WFH all the time, or just during COVID?

If/when was going into the office everyday, did he still ignore you in the evening?

I have been WFH a few days a week before COVID, WFH during COVID, and back to a few days a week now. My H has always gone into an office (only WFH for a few weeks in the early part of COVID) until he unexpectedly retired early.

It’s hard to tell if your husband is a jerk who doesn’t want to see you at all, or if you’re not respecting his boundaries and need for a mental and temporal workspace, and as a result he doesn’t want to hang out with you in the evening.

He bugs me regularly when I WHF - wanders into my office w/o knocking, claims he’s not bugging me, watches TV right outside my office (we have other places he can watch TV), asks if I need food or want to take a walk or whatever. It has meant I am more likely to NOT want to spend the evening watching TV or something with him because he’s been around all day.

Your H has made it clear he doesn’t want to be bothered when he’s in his work zone. I know it’s sounds harsh, but you need to respect that. THEN if he continues to be a jerk in non-work hours, you need to decide if you want to put up with that, and if not, ultimatum or divorce.

Before covid, we had zero issues. He went into the office 5 days a week. He never worked from home after work. There is also the issue that our toddler bothers him naturally, and he gets upset. I try to stop him, but I can't chase the kid around all day or stay upstairs. A lot of times, he will talk to his dad behind the door.

Isnt that kind of the point of a sahm of a toddler??

No, not at home if you’re doing it right. Toddlers aren’t robots.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage needs maintenance. I’d start with a weekly date night - you don’t have to go out, but on that designated night, he is not on his pc from 8-11 pm & is doing something with you. Can be literally anything - a show you can watch together, play video games, cook something for tomorrow, work on a little home improvement project - anything that you two agree to do together.

Commit to doing this together every Wed night or whatever day you choose for 8 wks.

If he balks at that, then marriage counseling.

op here. i have tried this but he won't do anything that requires us to leave the kids home alone. if we watch TV or a movie, he will cut it short or ask me if an hour is enough because he's tired or some other excuse. it sounds awful as I am writing this out.

also, this is a different issue, but every time I try to put a simple decoration on the door, he takes it down because he thinks it will damage the door. he's paranoid about damaging stuff. doesn't like when I hang art. he sucks all the joy out of me. I recently put up a V-day decoration, and he took it down. our door is glass but a lot of the neighbors put up stuff.

Ok you buried the lede OP. Your husband has issues, you need a therapist, he needs a therapist, none of this is normal.

Was he always this way?

The decoration stuff didn't come up until maybe 5 years after marriage. I didn't decorate before that. We didn't watch a lot of TV before marriage as we were busy with grad school. The last time I can remember watching a TV series together cuddling was when our youngest was a newborn and he's almost 8. Dh doesn't listen to music.

Your youngest is 8, but you have a toddler?

Good catch.
OP is clearly a troll.

Op here. Typo. Oldest 8 youngest 4.

4 isn’t a toddler. Put him in preschool.

[Anonymous]

How hot are you? If you are, try going into the home office naked, or wearing lingerie and heels, and get his attention that way. Obviously don’t do it when he’s on a zoom call. I’ve done this a few times with my own DH and it is a good way to break up the day and connect.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think OP is stressed. Remember she has a toddler and she wants her husband to acknowledge her existence once in a while and that’s fair. I was just like OP’s husband and my wife ended up filing for divorce. A year into therapy I found out that I had been dealing with serious depression and anxiety. It sneaked up on me as it didn’t affect my career and career trajectory but it destroyed our family life. OP’s husband may be depressed as well.

Yes totally agree, but not between 8-5. Did you and you wife make it?

We divorced last summer and every day I regret not having paid more attention to my wife/kids. I guess some jobs require total focus for 9 straight hours, but if possible stealing a kiss and quick chat for like 5 mins is not too much on most days.

Awww tell her that. She’s probably one of those miserable biddies complaining about how horrible the post divorce dating pool is and would probably take you back

[Anonymous]

Man it’s hard to do statistics with a spreadsheet. Dh needs to learn to code. Anyway. Is he writing a lot and what’s your degree background are you any use? Can you proofread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a work from home problem.

Op here. It's related. if he wasn't home so much, I wouldn't feel the need to engage with him

So pretend he’s out in the office. He’s working, it just happens to be from home.

I'm not good at pretending. Should I also pretend working 50-60 hours a week is normal? He locks himself in his office on the weekends and every evening for at least 3 hours.

Unfortunately, 50-60 hours a week is absolutely normal and necessary in many professions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a researcher who is gunning for publications in major journals. It is understandable that he works long hours and prefers quiet and to not be interrupted. Doesn’t make it right. But if he gets annoyed by kid chaos, he may also be trying to avoid family life as well.

Try talking to him to see if there is an end to the long hours? Can he take a break after he completes his papers? Can you hire a sitter so you can go out for a quiet night? What would make him come out and enjoy life?

Op here. Yes, maybe this but why does he need to publish? He works at a pharmaceutical company. He tells me for personal reasons. He's not a professor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man it’s hard to do statistics with a spreadsheet. Dh needs to learn to code. Anyway. Is he writing a lot and what’s your degree background are you any use? Can you proofread?

Op here. He codes. One window will be a spreadsheet usually and another coding. He has a Ph.D. in statistics and two master's degrees in statistics. I have tried helping him but he says no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t a work from home problem.

Op here. It's related. if he wasn't home so much, I wouldn't feel the need to engage with him

So pretend he’s out in the office. He’s working, it just happens to be from home.

I'm not good at pretending. Should I also pretend working 50-60 hours a week is normal? He locks himself in his office on the weekends and every evening for at least 3 hours.

Unfortunately, 50-60 hours a week is absolutely normal and necessary in many professions.

+1 yeah, it is normal for a lot of people (mom of two here…I work that much myself)