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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I need your wisdom.  I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive.  I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents.  I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here.  I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do?  To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it.  I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is:  how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it?  I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through.  I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

[/quote]

Agree with everyone who said to stop expecting more from your mom because she’s limited and for you to consider therapy. One concept that has helped me is the idea to parent myself the way I would have wanted my parents to. My parents were both emotionally neglectful and extremely verbally abusive. My father was sexually abusive. It has taken a long time for me to set boundaries and stop feeling I owe them anything.

Also, it looks like your mother acknowledged your concern at least. She says she tried. 
When I tried to bring up concerns to my mom, I was shamed and guilted. The response was “why are you so ungrateful for all we did for you? How dare you speak to your parents this way?”   For a long long time I hoped they would acknowledge their abuse and neglect but now I know it will never come.

What you want is validation of your feelings by your mom. Try seeing a therapist for that. [/quote]

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