Birthday party invites - not inviting one girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Who cares about blamelessness in this instance? Are you Amish, in fear of a shunning by the elders? So odd.

DP

I agree with PP and I’m atheist. Go figure! I’m not worried about elders or anything like that but I do have a keen sense of right and wrong.

Not following this logic. Is it right or wrong to invite someone who has been a jerk to you and may potentially cause problems at your party by turning the other girls against you, being rude, and making the party unpleasant? Because I've seen that happen. Invited the mean girl, so as not to exclude, and she caused problems, started fights, made up some lie that we didn't let her do the craft (she just didn't like how hers turned out) and called her mom to pick her up early and left without saying goodbye. Not sure why that was the "right" thing to do. Should never have invited her at all. That was the take away. Don't be so sure this type of kid won't even come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Who cares about blamelessness in this instance? Are you Amish, in fear of a shunning by the elders? So odd.

DP

I agree with PP and I’m atheist. Go figure! I’m not worried about elders or anything like that but I do have a keen sense of right and wrong.

Yet a dull sense of what to do for the daughter’s birthday. You want to preen for others with a shiny secular halo and ignore your kid’s legitimate wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Who cares about blamelessness in this instance? Are you Amish, in fear of a shunning by the elders? So odd.

DP

I agree with PP and I’m atheist. Go figure! I’m not worried about elders or anything like that but I do have a keen sense of right and wrong.

Not following this logic. Is it right or wrong to invite someone who has been a jerk to you and may potentially cause problems at your party by turning the other girls against you, being rude, and making the party unpleasant? Because I've seen that happen. Invited the mean girl, so as not to exclude, and she caused problems, started fights, made up some lie that we didn't let her do the craft (she just didn't like how hers turned out) and called her mom to pick her up early and left without saying goodbye. Not sure why that was the "right" thing to do. Should never have invited her at all. That was the take away. Don't be so sure this type of kid won't even come.

PP is playing Better Than Thou, secular edition.

OP noted in the very first post that based on the knowledge of the girl and her family, that the girl would come if invited. There goes that flawless approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Who cares about blamelessness in this instance? Are you Amish, in fear of a shunning by the elders? So odd.

DP

I agree with PP and I’m atheist. Go figure! I’m not worried about elders or anything like that but I do have a keen sense of right and wrong.

Not following this logic. Is it right or wrong to invite someone who has been a jerk to you and may potentially cause problems at your party by turning the other girls against you, being rude, and making the party unpleasant? Because I've seen that happen. Invited the mean girl, so as not to exclude, and she caused problems, started fights, made up some lie that we didn't let her do the craft (she just didn't like how hers turned out) and called her mom to pick her up early and left without saying goodbye. Not sure why that was the "right" thing to do. Should never have invited her at all. That was the take away. Don't be so sure this type of kid won't even come.

PP is playing Better Than Thou, secular edition.

OP noted in the very first post that based on the knowledge of the girl and her family, that the girl would come if invited. There goes that flawless approach.

She will come and try the same crap and probably make the birthday girl cry at her own party. Forget that noise. They can tolerate each other at and try to coexist at school, but not at my house or on my dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

OMG! Your daughter feels unsafe by a child making snarky remarks and throwing her eraser away. You are totally raising a snowflake and I feel sorry for her. As for the “bully” she will learn in middle school either way when the groups get smaller and more intimate. Until then does she really need you, the adult, teaching her a lesson of exclusion?

This kind of purposeful exaggeration does not make your point at all. OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

My DD has been excluded from plenty of parties by some of the not so nice girls. If she wants to leave someone out who has been known to be mean to her, make the nasty snide comments, exclude her, then neither of us will lose any sleep over it.

You do you, Mean Mom! I know where the girls get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

My DD has been excluded from plenty of parties by some of the not so nice girls. If she wants to leave someone out who has been known to be mean to her, make the nasty snide comments, exclude her, then neither of us will lose any sleep over it.

You do you, Mean Mom! I know where the girls get it.

It's not mean to not invited your daughter who torments other kids. Get her the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

OMG! Your daughter feels unsafe by a child making snarky remarks and throwing her eraser away. You are totally raising a snowflake and I feel sorry for her. As for the “bully” she will learn in middle school either way when the groups get smaller and more intimate. Until then does she really need you, the adult, teaching her a lesson of exclusion?

This kind of purposeful exaggeration does not make your point at all. OMG.

My point is your responsibility is to teach your daughter lessons, not other children. If you value kindness, teach that. If you don’t want your daughter to be bullied, teach her how not to be bullied. Excluding other kids doesn’t teach the lesson you think it does. If you still do not understand this, I can explain it to you, but not understand it FOR you - it would be a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

OMG! Your daughter feels unsafe by a child making snarky remarks and throwing her eraser away. You are totally raising a snowflake and I feel sorry for her. As for the “bully” she will learn in middle school either way when the groups get smaller and more intimate. Until then does she really need you, the adult, teaching her a lesson of exclusion?

This kind of purposeful exaggeration does not make your point at all. OMG.

My point is your responsibility is to teach your daughter lessons, not other children. If you value kindness, teach that. If you don’t want your daughter to be bullied, teach her how not to be bullied. Excluding other kids doesn’t teach the lesson you think it does. If you still do not understand this, I can explain it to you, but not understand it FOR you - it would be a lost cause.

Look the type of girl I will exclude is the one who threatened to hurt my daughter and told her she wished she was dead. So, no thank you, she is not welcome at my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

My DD has been excluded from plenty of parties by some of the not so nice girls. If she wants to leave someone out who has been known to be mean to her, make the nasty snide comments, exclude her, then neither of us will lose any sleep over it.

You do you, Mean Mom! I know where the girls get it.

It's not mean to not invited your daughter who torments other kids. Get her the help she needs.

LOL! If you only knew my kids IRL. I know I’m doing the right thing - very confident. If you don’t want the advice that’s fine - deal with it later. For my older ones my later is now, so yes, inclusion in elementary is the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

OMG! Your daughter feels unsafe by a child making snarky remarks and throwing her eraser away. You are totally raising a snowflake and I feel sorry for her. As for the “bully” she will learn in middle school either way when the groups get smaller and more intimate. Until then does she really need you, the adult, teaching her a lesson of exclusion?

This kind of purposeful exaggeration does not make your point at all. OMG.

My point is your responsibility is to teach your daughter lessons, not other children. If you value kindness, teach that. If you don’t want your daughter to be bullied, teach her how not to be bullied. Excluding other kids doesn’t teach the lesson you think it does. If you still do not understand this, I can explain it to you, but not understand it FOR you - it would be a lost cause.

You keep shrieking and flinging insults to demo your kindness, it’s amazing baby! I appreciate the all caps, most compelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

My DD has been excluded from plenty of parties by some of the not so nice girls. If she wants to leave someone out who has been known to be mean to her, make the nasty snide comments, exclude her, then neither of us will lose any sleep over it.

You do you, Mean Mom! I know where the girls get it.

It's not mean to not invited your daughter who torments other kids. Get her the help she needs.

LOL! If you only knew my kids IRL. I know I’m doing the right thing - very confident. If you don’t want the advice that’s fine - deal with it later. For my older ones my later is now, so yes, inclusion in elementary is the right thing to do.

We stan a confident kindness kween.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

My DD has been excluded from plenty of parties by some of the not so nice girls. If she wants to leave someone out who has been known to be mean to her, make the nasty snide comments, exclude her, then neither of us will lose any sleep over it.

You do you, Mean Mom! I know where the girls get it.

It's not mean to not invited your daughter who torments other kids. Get her the help she needs.

LOL! If you only knew my kids IRL. I know I’m doing the right thing - very confident. If you don’t want the advice that’s fine - deal with it later. For my older ones my later is now, so yes, inclusion in elementary is the right thing to do.

Then maybe sit this one out if you can't relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

OMG! Your daughter feels unsafe by a child making snarky remarks and throwing her eraser away. You are totally raising a snowflake and I feel sorry for her. As for the “bully” she will learn in middle school either way when the groups get smaller and more intimate. Until then does she really need you, the adult, teaching her a lesson of exclusion?

This kind of purposeful exaggeration does not make your point at all. OMG.

My point is your responsibility is to teach your daughter lessons, not other children. If you value kindness, teach that. If you don’t want your daughter to be bullied, teach her how not to be bullied. Excluding other kids doesn’t teach the lesson you think it does. If you still do not understand this, I can explain it to you, but not understand it FOR you - it would be a lost cause.

There’s a lot of things I teach her including self respect and no self respecting human should ever feel obligated to be around a person that they don’t want to be in a private situation. So, nope not mean or teaching my daughter to be mean, teaching self respect, explaining consequences by what may happen if she does/doesn’t extend an invite, and thinking through the situation both emotionally and critically. That is, what is the root of the nature of the behavior, how does it affect her, and the affect of her actions on other people.

That process may still result in a non-invitation and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Listen, why did OP even make this thread. I knew the second she went into detail about some stupid eraser she was going to do what she was going to do and wasn’t actually seeking advice.