Birthday party invites - not inviting one girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Who cares about blamelessness in this instance? Are you Amish, in fear of a shunning by the elders? So odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

Because by and large parenting in upper elementary in the kinds of schools and communities under discussion here are accommodating of bad behavior with mild or no rebuke. I have a same-aged girl and cannot imagine the personality, the acts, the choices where it would not be totally shocking to have her go through someone else’s desk, trash stuff, or to be known as nasty with her comments. That IME takes years of cultivation by parents absolutely ignoring mean crap, failing to adhere to reasonable consequences for bad behavior. It’s not out of nowhere. It takes a long time for someone to feel this level of confidence with pulling sht at school.

I’m really “progressive” by political measures but cannot believe what parents excuse. The sarcasm, meanness, nastiness. It was not always like this, certainly not when I was a kid. A spade could be called a spade pretty safely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Not true. The mean girl shows up bc really what she wants is to be included and she’s clearly insecure. But it’s not every other 11 year olds job to play therapist to this girl.

I’m not sure if it’s “bullying” but I don’t think there’s a single situation when you’re having a private party and any person should feel like they HAVE to invite someone. It’s good for kids to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

Fine. She's a thief. And a jerk. And she's 11, not 6. We're talking about a 5th grader, not a kindergartener. She's repeatedly choosing to be mean to others. There are consequences, and one of them is that those others will not want to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pointless story incoming….

My older DD (now a freshman in HS) had a girl like this in her class in elementary. Same exact story- always making snarky remarks and criticizing the other girls- often about appearance. Didn’t seem to be target at anyone in particular- just a sour, difficult girl.

This continued into MS (large suburban public but their cohort from elementary was together more due to a language immersion track). All of the other girls tolerated this girl at school, who kind of kept hanging around (probably bc she had no other friends). Some learned to snap back at the girl’s rude comments (as if you are one to talk, Larla! etc) They certainly didn’t hang out with her outside of school but didn’t deliberately leave her out either (at MS age everyone is not always included in everything).

Anyway- DD has said the girl is very nice now in HS. I’ve noticed the girl has even been included in some mutual group outings etc. and seems to have some friends now.

I think the girl was just insecure and having a rough time earlier….In hindsight I’m glad no one ever went nuclear and did anything deliberately nasty to the girl (like exclude her and only her from an elementary school party)- why sink to such a level? Not worth it and will seem very silly a few years from now.

I might feel differently if the girl was doing something truly truly horrid- but at this point it is snarky comments and throwing someone’s eraser away. Teach your DD to do the right thing. They don’t have to be friends but to exclude only one girl isn’t right, and teaches a poor lesson.

DP
I agree with all of this.
I would add to the bolded that ‘it teaches a poor lesson’ to YOUR daughter. . . . not the child you think is getting the lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a bully at this age, and if my mother had forced me to invite her to my birthday, I would simply have declined having a party at all. Inviting this cruel child into my house would simply have given her more fodder to torment me with. People have gone nuts in the name of inclusion. This isn’t fair to your child, OP. Do not invite her.

Your parents needed to teach YOU better techniques to deal with her and to not become a target. That is where they went wrong. I had some girls target my daughter because she is a year younger than the class and she is tiny. I told her not to play with them and to snap back. For example one girl would say “you can’t play with us because you’re a baby”, then she would snap back “yes, I’m younger, but I’m the smartest one here. You’re just HUGE!”. Luckily the girl wasn’t overweight, but she was very tall. Snapping back actually gets the girls to stop, or at least in my daughter’s class. She’s still not friends with them, but it doesn’t really matter. We still invite them to our parties, and they never show, hmm wonder why. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

[Anonymous]

I would probably say you can have a smaller party or you need to invite her and it's your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

It is not mean to protect yourself from a bully. No one is saying these girls will come to school Monday with matching shirts or bracelets to flaunt it.

Imagine there is a group of women in your neighborhood who get together regularly and one woman routinely insults other women’s home decor, asks about their weight, points out when people’s hair is overdue for a color appointment, sneers at the food served, etc. When it is your turn to host, do you invite her? I would not.

I would because guess what, they WON’T COME! They don’t want to go to the party of the girl they don’t like but when you invite her and refuse to stoop to her mean level, you are being aligned with your values. She’s never showing up. You invite her anyway because then you are always the bigger person, the blameless one. Ask me how I know.

Who cares about blamelessness in this instance? Are you Amish, in fear of a shunning by the elders? So odd.

DP

I agree with PP and I’m atheist. Go figure! I’m not worried about elders or anything like that but I do have a keen sense of right and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Throwing someone’s eraser away is unkind but it does not make her a bully. People WAY overuse that word.

It’s hilarious what “unkind” has to stretch to mean. That 11 year old is an ahole and not likely to change. “Sweet Larla went through a phase where she unkindly trashed others’s belongings and made pointed nasty comments.”

Because she threw someone’s eraser away? You cannot possibly be serious. Kids can be jerks- no question about that- but if I wrote off every friend/classmate of my kids’ who has done something like this over the years….I don’t think there would be many left.

DP. Maybe the girl will change. But as long as she's being a jerk and trashing erasers, she can't come to the party. If/when she turns over a new leaf, the invites will start rolling in. It's not anyone's job to keep giving her chance after chance waiting for that point in time. Friend groups are constantly evolving, everyone gets that.

Actually, I do believe this is the adult’s role in this. When they are only inviting a small group to dinner and a movie when they get older, then by all means exclude her. Until then, I will act according to my moral compass, but I do realize that not everyone’s is set to North.

My DD has been excluded from plenty of parties by some of the not so nice girls. If she wants to leave someone out who has been known to be mean to her, make the nasty snide comments, exclude her, then neither of us will lose any sleep over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to be kind

+1
Does being reciprocal mean align with your family's values?

I would invite her, because those are MY values, which are not dependent on others' behaviors. I would also not hesitate to correct her misbehavior if I see it.

My values are kindness, unless it means putting my child in danger or in a situation that will be hurtful to her. So, I don’t care if another kid feels bad for being left out after doing mean things. I wouldn’t make my daughter sacrifice her comfort and safety and happiness on her day for that. I would also explain To my daughter that if she may not be invited to that girls party which it sounds like she wouldn’t mind.

Actions have consequences. And that girl may need to learn the hard way

OMG! Your daughter feels unsafe by a child making snarky remarks and throwing her eraser away. You are totally raising a snowflake and I feel sorry for her. As for the “bully” she will learn in middle school either way when the groups get smaller and more intimate. Until then does she really need you, the adult, teaching her a lesson of exclusion?