Birthday party invites - not inviting one girl

[Anonymous]

OP reminds me of my sister who calls and asks for my "advice" but only really wants me to green light the petty mess she has already decided to do. OP, I think you got plenty of people who think it's fine for you to invite every girl but this one girl. Hope you're able to sleep better now.

[Anonymous]

Talk is cheap OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t see how throwing away an eraser is somehow equivalent to excluding one girl out of the whole class. I wonder sometimes the mean little things our daughters do that we never know about while absolutely blasting someone else’s daughter for being a “mean girl” as if it’s their whole identity. Based on a story about an eraser.

Yeah this is mind boggling. A documented case of bullying usually involves teacher conferences, the principal gets involved, the parents are involved. It's a whole thing. This doesn't sound like bullying - this sounds like a pre-pubescent kid had a couple of hormonal days and took it out on their classmates (god forbid ). OP says the parents are nice - why not just talk to them and find out what's going on? There's time for this situation to get better and for everyone to have a better year at school. I don't see how excluding this kid from a birthday party is going to do that. If OP's kid is inviting all the girls in class as a rule, she should invite this girl. It's far-fetched that she's best buddies with all the girls in class and has to invite all of them but this girl.

I would say it is rare for bullying to be documented with teacher conferences. Those are the extreme cases. However, we all know that bullying is common and happens every day. But we’re not talking about a bully. We are talking about a mean girl which can be the same or different. The only person’s feelings who ultimately matter here are the birthday girls and she does not want the mean girl at her party and I don’t blame her one bit. I had lots of mean girls in my life, and I would not want them at my birthday party either.

With all of you who are advocating to invite her want a mean girl, or the mean queen bee (adult version) at your party? I think not, unless you’re a striver.

Not a striver. Just an adult who knows that kids are kids and that there's always more than one side to a story. This kid has been mean to her daughter and the whole class all year? And she knows the parents? And they are nice? And she hasn't said one word to them to try to figure out what's going on? Maybe this girl feels excluded at school by OP's daughter and her millions of friends. Maybe she has anxiety and has few tools to deal with it so she lashes out. I'm not saying invite her to the party. I'm saying get more information before you label someone a mean girl and call her a bully and completely exclude her from a party that will 100% be talked about at school. It's only going to make the situation worse.

OP already said this girl has friends in the other class. Curious you have so much empathy for the "you are so ugly!" girl but none for the birthday girl who just wants to have a fun party. It's not OPs job to bring attention to what the daughter is doing. Their concern is for and should be their own daughter. Do you know believe your kids when they tell you their troubles?

Sure I do! But I also want to get to the bottom of why this other girl is being so mean to her classmates. OP hasn't been the least bit curious about getting the whole story? Because she definitely is not getting the whole story. OP, if you think your kid is telling you everything about this situation, I've got some oceanfront property in Kansas to sell you.

I'm not saying invite the other girl to the party. I'm saying get more information about what's going on before you decide to let your own daughter start down the mean girl track as well.

But I get it - being a kind, decent person takes some effort. God forbid we model it for our kids.

Please tell us about the last time you confronted a parent of a tween about their child's undesirable behavior and how that went.

It happened last year. A kid was taking my daughter's hair ties and water bottles and running around with them at recess and not giving them back. I knew the mom, and she was a nice, decent person. The next time I saw her I said, "Hey - what's going on with that?" And we had a talk about it. And it wasn't a big deal. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. If OP knows the parents and they are nice, why not just say hey what's going on? We want to make things better at school. If it blows up - fine. But what's the alternative? Having a miserable year that is just bound to get more miserable?

Sheesh - wouldn't you want to know if your kid was so mean at school she wasn't getting invited to a birthday party? These aren't teenagers. This kid is young enough to still be inviting all the girls (or at least all but one) to her birthday party. This situation could turn around or at least get better.

An 11 year old was taking hair ties and water bottles? At my kids school they are far more sophisticated and telling each other they are far too poor for certain water bottles, their clothes are ugly, they are jealous and want to be like them, and everything about them is wrong. I think you're still talking about 5 year olds.

OK.

The original issue here is that the OP's daughter is inviting EVERY girl in the class but this one. EVERY GIRL. That doesn't prick up your ears? That doesn't make you take a step back and wonder if some retaliation is in the works? They are all best friends and all of them are so so special that it would be devastating if they weren't invited? My fifth grader isn't best/party friends with EVERY girl in her class, and if she came home and said she wanted to invite all of them but one I would say HELL no. Full stop. You people are ridiculous.

No, this does not prick my ears in the slightest. The party is for the OP’s daughter. She wants to invite all the girls in her class except for the one who is mean to her. There is nothing strange or confusing about this. This isn’t small group, she’s not obligated to include everything and she doesn’t have to exclude people she likes so as not to hurt the feelings of someone who has no problem disregarding hers.

Full stop!!!

lol! Even little so-and-so...can't remember her last name but sure I want to invite her. NOT Larla. And Looloo. I've never said a word to her, but she can come. I WANT her there. But NOT Larla. I'm serious mom. It is very important that all of these random girls come. NOT Larla. It will make me so happy to have all these girls there. And NOT Larla. OP's daughter's got some serious retaliation and revenge in mind. But fine. Go ahead and be ok with that.

Y'all are trippin'. And just as mean as that little trash can eraser girl. More so because you're adults!

Now we know who the parents of the bully are. ^ Thanks for revealing yourself PP. This is where these girls get the bad attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what!

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

You sound like a drama lama.

Ok. I posted a full response to someone who didn't leave a nasty comment if you care to read it. I actually hate drama, which is why I spoke to the parents about the party. But I don't care if you think I'm dramatic or not because I didn't do it to create drama.

Also, it's llama. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You fit every stereotype OP

Still waiting for one decent explanation of why the cruel girl needs to be invited. Let's hear it. Examples have been provided in this thread, given those, justify why an invitation must be extended.

Don't you know hurt people hurt - not well adjusted people? I would try to stop the cycle which is why I said I would have my daughter either invite fewer girls or all of them. I don't condone being a bully, but I also know how to not exclude and be the bigger person.

So you think inviting the bully will...help her become well adjusted? I don't think you have any experience with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite her, but you don't get to exclude just her

Why not? I wouldn't feel bad excluding the girls who torment my daughter. Why would they want to come anyway after they take votes on whether or not to let her play with them at recess?

+1 it's also not just her, it's also all the boys. Assuming this is not a single sex school, which I'm assuming it's not because class sizes are not that small afaik.

Most likely the boys wouldn't care. If a birthday party invited all the boys but, one surely that one boy would feel left out. But the girls wouldn't care.

A side story my friend has twins and this one boy picked on them. Instead of excluding they went out of their way to be kind and friendly and the kids did become real friends.

Just another perspective

Cool story. You know it doesn't always work out that way right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what!

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly.

Huh, a step-mom. That sounds about right. A bio mom would have been all "not my baby!" But in this case, it sounds like the step mom would have no issues hearing about this knowing where to place the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on page 4 and don't feel like reading the rest- but I am shocked that no one has suggested calling the mom and having a talk about it. Wouldn't you want to know why your daughter was/or will be the only one not invited? OP says the mom is nice. I would start there.

Seriously? How would this go?

OP: Hi Stephanie, it’s Lindsay. I just wanted to let you know that Angelica isn’t invited to Larla’s birthday party because she’s mean.

Lindsay: ??????

Most of us have more tact then this. Sounds like you could benefit from interpersonal communications skills if this is how you approach it.

dp Be honest. There is no good way to receive this and you wouldn't believe the mom anyway. After all we all believe our children..I remember my a mom came over to me and told me how misbehaved my dd was at her party. She was young and didn't like the food so she told the mom. It was very awkward because what could I do after the party? It just made me feel awful and I remember the conversation today ( and my kid is an adult)

I'm a poster who did tell the parents why their daughter wouldn't be invited to a party. The bullying in our case was severe and I had been in contact with the parents about it. They did believe what I said because it either agreed with things they had heard their daughter say or there had been witnesses so there really wasn't any way for them to deny it. I told them the truth - I wasn't trying to hurt their daughter and the reason I was telling them about it a month out was so that they could make other plans for that day or handle it however they wanted, but the girl would not be invited into our home. (For what it's worth, I had previously invited her to our house in second and third grade, even after she had hit our daughter because she had apologized and asked if she could come play/come to a party).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s mean to not invite someone you don’t like to a party. It’s mean to talk about a party at school where the uninvited can find out about it. It’s not being a mean girl to simply not invite. Mean would be intentionally letting the girl know she was excluded.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what!

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly.

OP, I have no doubt you mean well, but the girls are far FAR too old for you to be intervening in these ways. Particularly with the other girls parents- truly, wow. If there is a problem AT school or on the bus/school sponsored activities - discuss it with the appropriate authority (and usually the teacher will be the first step). Beyond that, the girls should not need to see each other- and that IS up to you, considering the age of your daughter. And sure- don’t invite the girl as there are obviously long-standing issues. This meddlesome behavior on your end needs to stop, though. Totally and completely inappropriate- I cannot stress that enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t see how throwing away an eraser is somehow equivalent to excluding one girl out of the whole class. I wonder sometimes the mean little things our daughters do that we never know about while absolutely blasting someone else’s daughter for being a “mean girl” as if it’s their whole identity. Based on a story about an eraser.

Yeah this is mind boggling. A documented case of bullying usually involves teacher conferences, the principal gets involved, the parents are involved. It's a whole thing. This doesn't sound like bullying - this sounds like a pre-pubescent kid had a couple of hormonal days and took it out on their classmates (god forbid ). OP says the parents are nice - why not just talk to them and find out what's going on? There's time for this situation to get better and for everyone to have a better year at school. I don't see how excluding this kid from a birthday party is going to do that. If OP's kid is inviting all the girls in class as a rule, she should invite this girl. It's far-fetched that she's best buddies with all the girls in class and has to invite all of them but this girl.

I would say it is rare for bullying to be documented with teacher conferences. Those are the extreme cases. However, we all know that bullying is common and happens every day. But we’re not talking about a bully. We are talking about a mean girl which can be the same or different. The only person’s feelings who ultimately matter here are the birthday girls and she does not want the mean girl at her party and I don’t blame her one bit. I had lots of mean girls in my life, and I would not want them at my birthday party either.

With all of you who are advocating to invite her want a mean girl, or the mean queen bee (adult version) at your party? I think not, unless you’re a striver.

Not a striver. Just an adult who knows that kids are kids and that there's always more than one side to a story. This kid has been mean to her daughter and the whole class all year? And she knows the parents? And they are nice? And she hasn't said one word to them to try to figure out what's going on? Maybe this girl feels excluded at school by OP's daughter and her millions of friends. Maybe she has anxiety and has few tools to deal with it so she lashes out. I'm not saying invite her to the party. I'm saying get more information before you label someone a mean girl and call her a bully and completely exclude her from a party that will 100% be talked about at school. It's only going to make the situation worse.

OP already said this girl has friends in the other class. Curious you have so much empathy for the "you are so ugly!" girl but none for the birthday girl who just wants to have a fun party. It's not OPs job to bring attention to what the daughter is doing. Their concern is for and should be their own daughter. Do you know believe your kids when they tell you their troubles?

Sure I do! But I also want to get to the bottom of why this other girl is being so mean to her classmates. OP hasn't been the least bit curious about getting the whole story? Because she definitely is not getting the whole story. OP, if you think your kid is telling you everything about this situation, I've got some oceanfront property in Kansas to sell you.

I'm not saying invite the other girl to the party. I'm saying get more information about what's going on before you decide to let your own daughter start down the mean girl track as well.

But I get it - being a kind, decent person takes some effort. God forbid we model it for our kids.

Please tell us about the last time you confronted a parent of a tween about their child's undesirable behavior and how that went.

It happened last year. A kid was taking my daughter's hair ties and water bottles and running around with them at recess and not giving them back. I knew the mom, and she was a nice, decent person. The next time I saw her I said, "Hey - what's going on with that?" And we had a talk about it. And it wasn't a big deal. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. If OP knows the parents and they are nice, why not just say hey what's going on? We want to make things better at school. If it blows up - fine. But what's the alternative? Having a miserable year that is just bound to get more miserable?

Sheesh - wouldn't you want to know if your kid was so mean at school she wasn't getting invited to a birthday party? These aren't teenagers. This kid is young enough to still be inviting all the girls (or at least all but one) to her birthday party. This situation could turn around or at least get better.

An 11 year old was taking hair ties and water bottles? At my kids school they are far more sophisticated and telling each other they are far too poor for certain water bottles, their clothes are ugly, they are jealous and want to be like them, and everything about them is wrong. I think you're still talking about 5 year olds.

OK.

The original issue here is that the OP's daughter is inviting EVERY girl in the class but this one. EVERY GIRL. That doesn't prick up your ears? That doesn't make you take a step back and wonder if some retaliation is in the works? They are all best friends and all of them are so so special that it would be devastating if they weren't invited? My fifth grader isn't best/party friends with EVERY girl in her class, and if she came home and said she wanted to invite all of them but one I would say HELL no. Full stop. You people are ridiculous.

No, this does not prick my ears in the slightest. The party is for the OP’s daughter. She wants to invite all the girls in her class except for the one who is mean to her. There is nothing strange or confusing about this. This isn’t small group, she’s not obligated to include everything and she doesn’t have to exclude people she likes so as not to hurt the feelings of someone who has no problem disregarding hers.

Full stop!!!

lol! Even little so-and-so...can't remember her last name but sure I want to invite her. NOT Larla. And Looloo. I've never said a word to her, but she can come. I WANT her there. But NOT Larla. I'm serious mom. It is very important that all of these random girls come. NOT Larla. It will make me so happy to have all these girls there. And NOT Larla. OP's daughter's got some serious retaliation and revenge in mind. But fine. Go ahead and be ok with that.

Y'all are trippin'. And just as mean as that little trash can eraser girl. More so because you're adults!

OP is talking about a fifth grade class with 11 girls in it. If they've been in school together since K, then I bet she knows all the girls pretty well. You're acting like she's at a school with 134 girls in fifth grade and she's making up who she wants to invite. Stick to the facts at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what!

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly.

Huh, a step-mom. That sounds about right. A bio mom would have been all "not my baby!" But in this case, it sounds like the step mom would have no issues hearing about this knowing where to place the blame.

No, I also spoke with the mom. She acknowledged that her daughter said hurtful/rude things to her, that she hit her siblings regularly, and that she had a bad temper and was hard to control. I also spoke with the dad. The stepmom is the one I know the best, she is my neighbor, and she has the girl half the time, which is why I included her. I wasn't trying to find the parent who would be willing to acknowledge the kid had issues because she could just say it was someone else's fault...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what!

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly.

OP, I have no doubt you mean well, but the girls are far FAR too old for you to be intervening in these ways. Particularly with the other girls parents- truly, wow. If there is a problem AT school or on the bus/school sponsored activities - discuss it with the appropriate authority (and usually the teacher will be the first step). Beyond that, the girls should not need to see each other- and that IS up to you, considering the age of your daughter. And sure- don’t invite the girl as there are obviously long-standing issues. This meddlesome behavior on your end needs to stop, though. Totally and completely inappropriate- I cannot stress that enough.

Ok, and you are? The girls are 9. I did speak with the teacher. And then I told the girls' parents that I had spoken with the teacher because I wasn't trying to be sneaky about it. But I'm being meddlesome, ok. It has actually helped, if you're interested. The two weeks in December before break and after the party the girl was actually much less mean. So I can't stress enough how much I don't care about your opinions on a situation you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

We declined to invite the girl who had been bullying my daughter since the beginning of school this year to a party in December (school was still in session). I reached out to the parents and told them that I couldn't invite her into our house because my daughter didn't want her there. Doing it slyly seems a little crappy?

DP. How did you tell them this? You are bad-ass, almost no one in my community would tell the bully’s parents directly what was what!

I know the parents because the dad and stepmom live on our street and the girls have been in school together for a few years (they're in fourth grade). We had problems with this girl in second grade (one time she hit my daughter in front of the teacher and there were also witnesses for many other incidents so it wasn't made up or exaggerated), they were separated in third grade but still saw each other at lunch and recess but things seemed to die down for that year, then this year it ramped way up when school started again and they ended up in the same class again. It was multiple months of mean comments, shoving on the playground, saying she wished my daughter would die, etc. leading up to the party.

I texted the dad and stepmom and asked if they were going to have the child the weekend of the party. (I had a vague idea of the 50/50 custody schedule and I didn't think they would but I wasn't sure). I explained that we were having a party at our house and that my daughter didn't want the other girl to come to her house because that made her uncomfortable. I had been up front with the parents about the school situation this year because I'm interested in coming up with a resolution to the bullying and I figured open communication with the parents might help that. I had previously told them what their daughter had done to mine because they had asked, and I had included them on emails to the teacher/school because they asked to be updated on what happened every day. I wasn't trying to "win" by being sneaky - I was trying to fix things between the girls. I don't think they were surprised when I told them about the party and they said they understood.

I don't think the girl is a bad kid, I think she's having a tough time with some things in her life, including her parents' divorce and both of the second marriages, but the way she was treating my daughter at school wasn't ok. I reached out to the dad and stepmom first because I knew them since they were neighbors and then also talked to her mom (separately - the mom and dad hate each other). I learned a lot about what was going on (the mom told me the kid told her all the time she wished her mom would die), and I told them that I was willing to work on a resolution to the extent possible because having my daughter in tears was awful and they're going to be in school together for years to come. I suppose it could have gone down differently, but the parents all acknowledged that the girl said horribly mean things, was physically abusive to her siblings, had a crazy temper, harbored a lot of anger about the divorce (which was precipitated by an affair), and was very hard to control. If the parents had denied that their kid could have done the things my daughter (and others) said this girl did, the situation might have been different, but I didn't do it unkindly, just matter-of-factly.

Huh, a step-mom. That sounds about right. A bio mom would have been all "not my baby!" But in this case, it sounds like the step mom would have no issues hearing about this knowing where to place the blame.

No, I also spoke with the mom. She acknowledged that her daughter said hurtful/rude things to her, that she hit her siblings regularly, and that she had a bad temper and was hard to control. I also spoke with the dad. The stepmom is the one I know the best, she is my neighbor, and she has the girl half the time, which is why I included her. I wasn't trying to find the parent who would be willing to acknowledge the kid had issues because she could just say it was someone else's fault...

Ok. But in this messy parenting situation I think it will hit different. Each parent is probably pointing fingers at the other.