Spouse/kid/weight

[Anonymous]

The eating could have absolutely nothing to do with self control. Teen could be eating out of boredom, emotional issues, or straight up, still hungry and the cake tastes great. When a person eats possibly more than what normal folks may deem is sufficient, there could be other issues at play that have nothing to do with self control.

I think it’s really hard for non overweight people to comprehend why overweight people eat. Especially overweight teens.

[Anonymous]

With two overweight people in the house, why do you even have ice cream or cake at home? Yes your dd might end up fat anyway when she’s 25 living on her own but an overweight child is 100% poor parenting. At least give her a healthy childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

What OP wants to do, not talk about weight or food choices at all, is harmful but feels nicer to OP.

Actually, if you care about science (and I have no reason to think you do), the thing that "works" the least is pushing people to lose weight.

Works is in quotation marks because for the most part, fat people don't become thin people. But you can teach people about foods and exercise that support valid markers of good health, of which BMI is not one.

What actually works for dependent children is for parents to limit their access to unhealthy food and to portion control their food if they are simply eating too much.

Everyone is so afraid that they will somehow cause an eating disorder but they fail to recognize that a child eating himself into obesity is already an eating disorder.

This. Why have ice cream in the house? Why not walk or bike to a shop for a scoop?

https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/fat-cell-numbers-teen-years-linger-lifetime

Your teen is at risk for a lifetime of VERY serious medical problems. Obesity is life shortening. Why not cut sugar and processed food and up exercise as a family? Walks, bike rides, healthier ways to manage emotions than stuffing them? Would benefit ALL of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If one of you says don’t eat the cake, and one of you says nothing, why not try it with both of you saying don’t eat the cake? Better yet don’t buy the cake to start with.

Eureka!

This. Your continuing to buy sugary junk to have in the house with the majority of the family fat and at risk for life shortening health issues is insane, OP? Why are you a feeder?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the people who have first-hand experience have the best advice to offer. Your DH needs to be sensitive about the language he uses. Your instinct to ignore it is nice, but can also lead to problems down the road.

If he has high emotional intelligence, I would trust him to handle it. OP, it sounds like you don’t have much EI, sorry, and you sound very bitter about your DH. I think your inclination to get professional advice may be useful, but it could ALSO make it more traumatic. Please don’t include your daughter in the family therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, worry about your own side of the street here. You picked a spouse who gave your kid obese genetics. Now that spouse and kid are both fat, you choose weekly to buy food that creates an obesogenic environment. It is your job as a parent to teach your child to manage the body she has so as to maintain a healthy weight. Pro tip: juice, cake and ice cream ain't it.

You are completely failing your child, OP.

Genetics loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger.

Change the environment, OP, what food is kept in the house, family activity level, screen time and sleep. The number of fat cells is locked in at 18 and you are dooming your child to an unhealthy life and ongoing weight struggles.

Making your kid's health some sort of core marital dispute is really messed up. At least your DH is concerned about her health. You are so self righteous while 2/3 of your household is fat you keep packing in the sweets. You have serious issues and your family dynamics are very dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is overweight.

My spouse (who is also overweight) is not dealing with it well; makes frequent remarks about what teen is eating, vilifies sweets, criticizes kid for eating too much sugar, and on and on.

I’ve talked to my spouse about it on numerous occasions and he will. Not. Stop. This has been going on for years and I am losing it.

Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling so that I can get us on the same page about how to respond to different scenarios, like if my child is eating a large amount of ice cream or something like that.

What I want to do is keep my mouth shut and model healthy eating. I don’t see why that should be so hard but apparently my spouse is not able to do it and I am really becoming very angry and sad and at a loss.

OP, are they overweight or obese by BMI?

Why do you think your approach is better/likely to be more effective? Why are you not concerned about the health risks for DC?

Your child's health has become a power struggle in your marriage and you are so concerned with being self righteous that you are not teaching your child how to effectively manage weight/health in a body, like DH's prone to be heavier. Lifestyle is key. That is NOT eating big bowls of ice cream. Why are you so willing to doom DC to a lifetime of weight struggles (more difficulty with self esteem, romantic relationships, likely to be paid less, etc., not to mention risks of health problems that will shorten life)? Why is feeding your fat child sugar some kind of "win" for you vs. your fat spouse? The proof is in the outcome. If you were providing a healthy eating environment, not one full of sugar, and active as a family, your child would be in a healthy sized body.

Perhaps both should try Ozempic.

[Anonymous]

Op seek counseling. The above poster said that you were packing the house full of sweets, did you post that? (maybe I missed it). Certainly you want to keep healthy options in the house and encourage family activities. But you also don’t want to encourage depravity. Eating cake and ice cream in moderation isn’t bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op seek counseling. The above poster said that you were packing the house full of sweets, did you post that? (maybe I missed it). Certainly you want to keep healthy options in the house and encourage family activities. But you also don’t want to encourage depravity. Eating cake and ice cream in moderation isn’t bad.

Please tell me you meant "deprivation," even though I like the autocorrect better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because sometimes people want a second slice of cake. Sometimes I want a second slice of cake. If there is cake, people can eat cake. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a second slice of cake.

There is something wrong, however, with someone who is overweight constantly harping on what another overweight person eats. It sure seems to me that my spouse is taking his own anxieties about eating and food and weed and projecting them on to my teen, who is still growing and has an appetite.

I think everybody should get exercise and mind their own food and shut up about everybody else’s. But I am willing to reconsider if I could get professional advice. The problem is right now me and my spouse are arguing about this and we both think we are right. We need someone who is going to help us see the situation differently and help us get on the same page because I am losing my mind.

If your teen is overweight (not sure I believe you they are not obese) the goal should be to stabilize weight so they can grow into it. Not to eat a bunch of sugar.

How much weed is your spouse consuming?

OP, you have marital problems and making your child's health the focus of them is very destructive to your child.

Your contempt for your spouse is clear.

Why do you even have cake and ice cream in the house if there are multiple fat people who can't moderate intake? You may be able to, you have different genetics. Why are you setting your kid up for failure that could have lifelong implications?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

+1

This is one of the reasons why we have so much of an obesity issue in this country IMHO. Correction, advice, or setting boundaries isn’t shaming.

My tweens/teen are not overweight and I still tell them such things…I’m not going to let them sit and gorge on multiple slices of cake or eat sugary junk before dinner etc- I’ll at least say something. “Heeeey put that away! Dinner will be ready in 45min. If you are really that hungry and can’t wait, grab a piece of fruit” Isn’t that just normal parenting?

Yes, teaching portion control is normal parenting. And the proof is in the outcome, if the child is overweight or obese, changes need to be made re: what is being eaten, how active the family is, how much time is spent on screens, if sleep is adequate, etc.

OP has made feeding junk to a fat kid a power struggle with her spouse. The stress of living in a home with conflict could even be a driver of emotional eating.

Is the teen in question a boy or girl? Do they play sports? How active is the family?

OP, modeling healthy emotional intelligence is also important so teen does not eat to "stuff" feelings. You really need to work on your relationship with your spouse to provide a healthy environment. You seem very controlling and to have a strong need to be "right" even about something like a fat child, which NO ONE thinks is a good thing. The cakes and big bowls of ice cream are drivers far more than DH's words re: moderation. That is not "healthy grow" food. Is continuing to buy that stuff some sort of way to needle him, the well being of your child be damned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why you buying cake of kid has no control?

THIS

No junk food and sweets in a house with overweight people who have no self control. Just No.

+1

I don’t see how this is even a question. Why would you even have that stuff in the house? Remove that temptation, at least in the home. There are plenty of sweets and junk available outside the house. Why make it worse?

If you have no self control, you are doomed for weight problems regardless. While OP can stop buying “junk” there are surly plenty of carb heavy options for kid to overeat in the house- not just junk food. Learning moderation and controlling impulse eating are key.

What carb heavy options? Not including standard fruits and vegetables which I would not limit in any case.

Rice, potatoes? Baking supplies? Is a teenage boy (I believe that is what OP noted) really going to prep rice or potatoes on his own time? Bake a cake with pantry items? Most of the time- no. And yes I have two teenage boys. He’ll just go grab an apple or a cheese stick or dinner leftovers out of the fridge. Now if cake and “carb heavy” snack items are available (junk)- well yes I’m not surprised a teen boy would mindlessly choose those. He already has weight problems- don’t give him that option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adult, I think I’d be upset if my parents had let me become overweight and not tried to help or do anything about it. Sort of how I did NOT want braces as a kid but my parents made me…I’m certainly glad they did now. Same for vaccinations, riding me about my grades, and other things to keep me healthy and on the right track.

Your DH may not be going about it the right way, but it’s better than doing nothing. She is his daughter and he is concerned about her health. He loves her and wants what is best for her, I’m sure. Counseling or a visit to a dietician would help maybe?

You "modeling" and stocking the house with cakes and large quantities of ice cream is a very mixed message and is clearly not working, OP. Your DC does not care what you eat and may have a "more for me!" mentality.

Your contempt for your DH is also unhealthy, both for your marriage and for the home you are providing DC. Since he is overweight, he cannot be concerned about DC's health? What?!!! If you suffered from depression would your concerns about a suicidal child be invalidated?

You need therapy individually and as a couple, not to continue a power struggle over DC's eating or triangulate in a 3rd party so you "win" but to understand how unhealthy your framing of situations is and to move your marital dynamic in a more + direction. You are so big on "modeling" after all, what lessons do you think DC is drawing from your marriage that has made their weight the "identified problem" for the dysfunction parental relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now if cake and “carb heavy” snack items are available (junk)- well yes I’m not surprised a teen boy would mindlessly choose those. He already has weight problems- don’t give him that option.

Cake and ice cream should be very occasional treats, like for birthdays.

Does the boy do any sports?

[Anonymous]

Has OP said if the teen is a boy or a girl? Only child?

Sports or activities?

Family lifestyle activities?