Spouse/kid/weight

[Anonymous]

My teen is overweight.

My spouse (who is also overweight) is not dealing with it well; makes frequent remarks about what teen is eating, vilifies sweets, criticizes kid for eating too much sugar, and on and on.

I’ve talked to my spouse about it on numerous occasions and he will. Not. Stop. This has been going on for years and I am losing it.

Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling so that I can get us on the same page about how to respond to different scenarios, like if my child is eating a large amount of ice cream or something like that.

What I want to do is keep my mouth shut and model healthy eating. I don’t see why that should be so hard but apparently my spouse is not able to do it and I am really becoming very angry and sad and at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

[Anonymous]

Because sometimes people want a second slice of cake. Sometimes I want a second slice of cake. If there is cake, people can eat cake. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a second slice of cake.

There is something wrong, however, with someone who is overweight constantly harping on what another overweight person eats. It sure seems to me that my spouse is taking his own anxieties about eating and food and weed and projecting them on to my teen, who is still growing and has an appetite.

I think everybody should get exercise and mind their own food and shut up about everybody else’s. But I am willing to reconsider if I could get professional advice. The problem is right now me and my spouse are arguing about this and we both think we are right. We need someone who is going to help us see the situation differently and help us get on the same page because I am losing my mind.

[Anonymous]

That should be “weight,” not weed. No one is smoking weed, although I may turn to it eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

+1

This is one of the reasons why we have so much of an obesity issue in this country IMHO. Correction, advice, or setting boundaries isn’t shaming.

My tweens/teen are not overweight and I still tell them such things…I’m not going to let them sit and gorge on multiple slices of cake or eat sugary junk before dinner etc- I’ll at least say something. “Heeeey put that away! Dinner will be ready in 45min. If you are really that hungry and can’t wait, grab a piece of fruit” Isn’t that just normal parenting?

[Anonymous]

It’s not normal parenting when it’s incessant. I think the better policy is to usually not have sugary things around and change the environment.
I also think the comments land differently when a person is overweight.
Given that my husband has been making these comments incessantly for quite some time, I think that if they had been effective we would know that by now. Instead, my kid is overweight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

Because he'll look like a giant ass when he's just as overweight if he's not actually depriving himself? "Don't be like meeee" parents are the worst. The PP who said he's projecting his own anxieties is right on. He should start a healthy lifestyle and show the kid how it's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because sometimes people want a second slice of cake. Sometimes I want a second slice of cake. If there is cake, people can eat cake. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a second slice of cake.

There is something wrong, however, with someone who is overweight constantly harping on what another overweight person eats. It sure seems to me that my spouse is taking his own anxieties about eating and food and weed and projecting them on to my teen, who is still growing and has an appetite.

I think everybody should get exercise and mind their own food and shut up about everybody else’s. But I am willing to reconsider if I could get professional advice. The problem is right now me and my spouse are arguing about this and we both think we are right. We need someone who is going to help us see the situation differently and help us get on the same page because I am losing my mind.

Disagree. There is something wrong with having a second slice of cake. It is dessert and is meant to be enjoyed in small portions, not gorged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not normal parenting when it’s incessant. I think the better policy is to usually not have sugary things around and change the environment.
I also think the comments land differently when a person is overweight.
Given that my husband has been making these comments incessantly for quite some time, I think that if they had been effective we would know that by now. Instead, my kid is overweight.

Seriously? Yes, parenting is incessant, repeated. Good parenting is persistent, more persistent than the child. You don't tell a young child to look before crossing the street once, you tell them 9000 times. And more after that. Why should this be different? It won't be effective the first time, or the second time, or the third time. They'll need to hear it 9000 times. And then more after that.

[Anonymous]

As an adult, I think I’d be upset if my parents had let me become overweight and not tried to help or do anything about it. Sort of how I did NOT want braces as a kid but my parents made me…I’m certainly glad they did now. Same for vaccinations, riding me about my grades, and other things to keep me healthy and on the right track.

Your DH may not be going about it the right way, but it’s better than doing nothing. She is his daughter and he is concerned about her health. He loves her and wants what is best for her, I’m sure. Counseling or a visit to a dietician would help maybe?

[Anonymous]

It's really funny to me that anyone would think the fatass dad saying "don't eat sugar" is actually going to do anything to prevent the kid from being overweight.

Both the parent and the teen know they are fat and that cake makes you fat and yet they still eat cake.

What the dad should be suggesting is strategies like eating more protein, not having so much junk in the house or buying smaller prepackaged items, more exercise, fulfilling the sweet tooth with fruit.

It sounds like you need some kind of counseling with techniques to reframe issues in a healthy way. You need to push back and say "ok, then what do you suggest we eat instead?" "Please tell me what items to put on the grocery list this week instead of your favorite cookies and ice cream."

[Anonymous]

There is a big difference between vilifying sweets and harping on what a kid eats versus providing some structure and guidance.

When I tell my kid, “hey let’s hold off on that pop tart, Halloween candy, etc until you have dinner. Once you have a protein, carb, fruit and veg, let’s see how hungry you are”, I don’t think I’m shaming her or setting her up for an eating disorder.

If I was like “OMG, are you really eating a piece of cake right now?!?!!!”, then I am likely creating unnecessary issues.

It sounds like dad doesn’t understand this. Combining this with his hypocrisy, this is a recipe for a bad relationship with his kid — even if the kid avoids an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

If one of you says don’t eat the cake, and one of you says nothing, why not try it with both of you saying don’t eat the cake? Better yet don’t buy the cake to start with.

[Anonymous]

If they are both overweight, you need to clean up the junk you have in the house.

And yes, it’s fine to tell your kids to stop stuffing their faces with crap. I tell my kids all the time that they need to lay off the junk.

The only change you should make (other than cleaning out the pantry) is to also start telling your fat husband to get the ice cream bar out of his mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a big difference between vilifying sweets and harping on what a kid eats versus providing some structure and guidance.

When I tell my kid, “hey let’s hold off on that pop tart, Halloween candy, etc until you have dinner. Once you have a protein, carb, fruit and veg, let’s see how hungry you are”, I don’t think I’m shaming her or setting her up for an eating disorder.

If I was like “OMG, are you really eating a piece of cake right now?!?!!!”, then I am likely creating unnecessary issues.

It sounds like dad doesn’t understand this. Combining this with his hypocrisy, this is a recipe for a bad relationship with his kid — even if the kid avoids an eating disorder.

Eh. When she's an adult, she will blame her parents for her weight, whatever they say or don't say, whatever they do or don't do. OP is on denial.