Spouse/kid/weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a big difference between vilifying sweets and harping on what a kid eats versus providing some structure and guidance.

When I tell my kid, “hey let’s hold off on that pop tart, Halloween candy, etc until you have dinner. Once you have a protein, carb, fruit and veg, let’s see how hungry you are”, I don’t think I’m shaming her or setting her up for an eating disorder.

If I was like “OMG, are you really eating a piece of cake right now?!?!!!”, then I am likely creating unnecessary issues.

It sounds like dad doesn’t understand this. Combining this with his hypocrisy, this is a recipe for a bad relationship with his kid — even if the kid avoids an eating disorder.

Eh. When she's an adult, she will blame her parents for her weight, whatever they say or don't say, whatever they do or don't do. OP is on denial.

That doesn't mean they get to abdicate good parenting.

[Anonymous]

Both should go on semaglutide and then no one would want to eat cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a big difference between vilifying sweets and harping on what a kid eats versus providing some structure and guidance.

When I tell my kid, “hey let’s hold off on that pop tart, Halloween candy, etc until you have dinner. Once you have a protein, carb, fruit and veg, let’s see how hungry you are”, I don’t think I’m shaming her or setting her up for an eating disorder.

If I was like “OMG, are you really eating a piece of cake right now?!?!!!”, then I am likely creating unnecessary issues.

It sounds like dad doesn’t understand this. Combining this with his hypocrisy, this is a recipe for a bad relationship with his kid — even if the kid avoids an eating disorder.

Eh. When she's an adult, she will blame her parents for her weight, whatever they say or don't say, whatever they do or don't do. OP is on denial.

That doesn't mean they get to abdicate good parenting.

Currently, 70% of American adults and 36% of youth are overweight or obese. There's no good parenting that will make the girl normal weight, now or in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is overweight.

My spouse (who is also overweight) is not dealing with it well; makes frequent remarks about what teen is eating, vilifies sweets, criticizes kid for eating too much sugar, and on and on.

I’ve talked to my spouse about it on numerous occasions and he will. Not. Stop. This has been going on for years and I am losing it.

Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling so that I can get us on the same page about how to respond to different scenarios, like if my child is eating a large amount of ice cream or something like that.

What I want to do is keep my mouth shut and model healthy eating. I don’t see why that should be so hard but apparently my spouse is not able to do it and I am really becoming very angry and sad and at a loss.

Fat-shaming is never the answer.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse, OP, if trying to correct a serious problem, and you're getting in the way.

So you both have to sit down and brainstorm options to help all the overweight people in the house.

My teen daughter is overweight, her pediatrician has remarked upon it, and we try to educate her on healthy nutrition vs empty calories, and calories consumed vs calories spent. In practice it means a lot of reminders about portion control and making healthy choices, since we have junk food in the house (no thanks to my husband, who can inhale a ton of chips and never gain an ounce).

So what you perceive to be nagging can be necessary reminders. We can't tell from here!

Some people on this board think that any mention of controlling weight is fat-shaming and bad for one's mental health and self-esteem. Not so. It's very important to teach kids how to stay healthy and not eat too much, so they don't increase their chances of chronic illness later in life. The self-esteem part you can work on as well, concurrently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are both overweight, you need to clean up the junk you have in the house.

And yes, it’s fine to tell your kids to stop stuffing their faces with crap. I tell my kids all the time that they need to lay off the junk.

The only change you should make (other than cleaning out the pantry) is to also start telling your fat husband to get the ice cream bar out of his mouth.

+1 to the first part

You probably have too much junk around, OP. Yes- you can’t control what someone eats when out of the house, but at least keep things healthy at home so there is a balance. We only have cake, sweets, ice cream etc at home if it is a holiday, special occasion or someone’s Birthday. We only have potato chips and that sort of thing around if we are having people over. We rarely buy junk without a specific purpose. When we eat meals out, when the kids are out with friends, parties etc- then we all enjoy whatever we want.

I think it really helps to have most junk out of the house. Nothing is forbidden at all- it just removes the convenience factor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

Because it does not stop the overeating.

Never use nots to get to a goal.

If he want him to “not” eat a 2nd piece it’s more effective to say, hey let’s go for a walk. That will get rid of bored eating or even hunger.

Also it seems the dad has some internal conflict about his own weight and he’s passively yet aggressively being toxic toward his kid that reminds him of himself.

I’d leave it up to the think parent to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

Because it does not stop the overeating.

Never use nots to get to a goal.

If he want him to “not” eat a 2nd piece it’s more effective to say, hey let’s go for a walk. That will get rid of bored eating or even hunger.

Also it seems the dad has some internal conflict about his own weight and he’s passively yet aggressively being toxic toward his kid that reminds him of himself.

I’d leave it up to the think parent to navigate this.

The kid would 100% rather have the second piece of cake than go for a walk. That would be a no. Regardless of Dad’s weight, he is absolutely right to put a limit on how much sugar is consumed. I’m assuming dad is working on his weight and also not over indulging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your spouse tell your overweight teen to not have a second slice of cake?

Because it does not stop the overeating.

Never use nots to get to a goal.

If he want him to “not” eat a 2nd piece it’s more effective to say, hey let’s go for a walk. That will get rid of bored eating or even hunger.

Also it seems the dad has some internal conflict about his own weight and he’s passively yet aggressively being toxic toward his kid that reminds him of himself.

I’d leave it up to the think parent to navigate this.

The kid would 100% rather have the second piece of cake than go for a walk. That would be a no. Regardless of Dad’s weight, he is absolutely right to put a limit on how much sugar is consumed. I’m assuming dad is working on his weight and also not over indulging.

I would be pretty surprised if this dad is actually working on his weight in any truly meaningful way. If he was, he would know better than to shame his kid about this.

My husband and I are both overweight. We work on it, but the reality is we are only making changes around the margins given both genetics and the terrible food environments we both grew up in. This has included the new weight loss drugs that in my case only led to losing 5 pounds. But we have worked really, really hard not to talk about weight in front of our kid. We don’t shame her, etc. At this point, she isn’t overweight at all (neither was I until my late 20s when a bunch of autoimmune stuff hit).

I’m the earlier poster who said that I will tell my kid not to eat sweets until she has had a healthy dinner and then we can assess what to do. But we are not banning all sweets, etc. And we never talk about it in terms of weight. We talk about some foods being healthier than others and let’s get all the vitamins we need, etc before we have the zucchini bread she made (which is loaded with sugar — although we use natural applesauce for part of it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

What OP wants to do, not talk about weight or food choices at all, is harmful but feels nicer to OP.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP, oh my God you all are projecting and you have absolutely no idea what is going on in my house. I *do* parent my children and I do talk to my children about healthy eating, I talk about the importance of protein and a varied diet, about “empty calories” and stress eating etc. I encourage exercise and model it through my own behavior. Once I have done all that though, I shut up!

What I don’t do is make constant little sniping judgmental/shaming comments about food as my teen is eating! You are not here to hear my husband but I can guarantee to you that it is not helpful. What it’s doing is creating a sense in my kid that he has to hide his eating and/or that he is bad for what he eats. My spouse is creating a world where there’s good versus bad food. It’s so messed up and I cannot make him stop!

Teenagers famously have huge appetites. My teen is still growing and may grow inches! The fact that he is slightly overweight now does not mean that is how he will be forever, this may be just a stage!

I think it’s interesting that some of you all assumed that my teen was a girl.

Look, everyone can enjoy their feelings of superiority and think that they are doing things correctly if their kids are not overweight, but I have one overweight kid and one normal weight/skinny kid in this house so it’s not as if I am incapable of raising a healthy-weight kid! I’m also not overweight!

Thank you to those who have actually tried to be helpful but what I really, really want is some kind of science-based expert who can talk to me and my husband and get us both on the same page about how to handle this. Off the cuff advice is not helpful although it may make you feel good! It actually reminds me very much of the comments my husband makes which may do some thing for him but are not actually helping the situation.

Does anyone have any names of counseling centers, names of dietitians or therapists, good books to suggest?

[Anonymous]

This is the OP again, in my original post I said: “Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling.” Obviously this is a public comment board and people can respond with whatever they want, and maybe I didn’t phrase my initial post well enough. But what I really was hoping for is the name of some sort of counseling center, weight expert, something like that.

Hasn’t anyone on this board disagreed with a spouse about how to handle weight issues in a teenager and gone to see an objective expert? Isn’t there some kind of doctor/dietitian/psychologist who can offer science-based strategies?

[Anonymous]

Weight and food is such a fraught topic in our culture and unless someone has had to wrestle with the darker side of it, it's very easy to over simplify it and therefore feel superior. There's a lot of privilege showing in some of these responses, and a lot of fat phobia, and a lot of unhelpful judgement.

My DH is obese and has a serious eating disorder on one end of the spectrum (and so.much.family.history of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating of all kinds in his family - lots of multi-generational trauma) and a DD who is recovering from anorexia on the other side of the spectrum (hi, genetics + trauma she herself experienced + reaction to her dad's eating disorder) - my DS and I are normal weight.

I can validate that your husband's commentary on your child's eating is not helping and very much harming your child. I understand the desire for people to think that it's helpful and that framing the conversation around food as healthy habits and "good" food vs. "bad" food feels protective but it's simply not. In reality it does far more harm than good when there are deeper issues. And if a family succeeds in avoiding major weight problems or disorders based on this strategy - good for them - I pat them on the back - I'm happy to tell them it's due to their very good parenting. In reality - it's likely some good luck, some good genetics, and some easy personalities.

We've had to tap into a lot of professional help along the way. https://lookwithinnutrition.com is a good place to start, OP. She would have recommendations if a consultation with an eating disorder therapist might be helpful to lay out how some of the things at play here are a disordered relationship with food (for your DH in particular). Sending you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP again, in my original post I said: “Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling.” Obviously this is a public comment board and people can respond with whatever they want, and maybe I didn’t phrase my initial post well enough. But what I really was hoping for is the name of some sort of counseling center, weight expert, something like that.

Hasn’t anyone on this board disagreed with a spouse about how to handle weight issues in a teenager and gone to see an objective expert? Isn’t there some kind of doctor/dietitian/psychologist who can offer science-based strategies?

I think it will be interesting to see if you get any specific responses. The reality is that so much we know about obesity and dieting is rapidly changing. Without a specific recommendation, I would try to see if you can find a counselor or nutritionist who believes in “health at any size”. I think they are the most likely to have the kind of guidance you are looking for. Your challenge will be that your husband may balk if he knows this is their perspective.