Spouse/kid/weight

[Anonymous]

Step 1:
Let go of the idea that you can solve the problem by saying or not saying the right thing or modeling healthy eating. Does that make sense to you? Do you know any fat people who are just ignorant of the basics of nutrition or who blame their parents? You’re up against deeply complex genetic, metabolic and environmental forces swirling inside a social psychological situation that mostly makes things worse.

I think your kid is smart enough to know their other parents struggles with this and beats himself up about it and is transferring some of that.

I think a good counselor/therapist is often a good idea for sorting through complex problems so why not this one. But if you have in your head the idea that a coach will convince your spouse to follow one script or another you favor and his compliance will solve the problem, you can kiss that goodbye. This is a big hairy one. Its not that easy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t have a suggestion, but I just wanted to say that I am completely sympathetic to your thinking on this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

What OP wants to do, not talk about weight or food choices at all, is harmful but feels nicer to OP.

Actually, if you care about science (and I have no reason to think you do), the thing that "works" the least is pushing people to lose weight.

Works is in quotation marks because for the most part, fat people don't become thin people. But you can teach people about foods and exercise that support valid markers of good health, of which BMI is not one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen is overweight.

My spouse (who is also overweight) is not dealing with it well; makes frequent remarks about what teen is eating, vilifies sweets, criticizes kid for eating too much sugar, and on and on.

I’ve talked to my spouse about it on numerous occasions and he will. Not. Stop. This has been going on for years and I am losing it.

Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling so that I can get us on the same page about how to respond to different scenarios, like if my child is eating a large amount of ice cream or something like that.

What I want to do is keep my mouth shut and model healthy eating. I don’t see why that should be so hard but apparently my spouse is not able to do it and I am really becoming very angry and sad and at a loss.

A divorce lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

What OP wants to do, not talk about weight or food choices at all, is harmful but feels nicer to OP.

Actually, if you care about science (and I have no reason to think you do), the thing that "works" the least is pushing people to lose weight.

Works is in quotation marks because for the most part, fat people don't become thin people. But you can teach people about foods and exercise that support valid markers of good health, of which BMI is not one.

The science shows that hurts, fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

What OP wants to do, not talk about weight or food choices at all, is harmful but feels nicer to OP.

Actually, if you care about science (and I have no reason to think you do), the thing that "works" the least is pushing people to lose weight.

Works is in quotation marks because for the most part, fat people don't become thin people. But you can teach people about foods and exercise that support valid markers of good health, of which BMI is not one.

What actually works for dependent children is for parents to limit their access to unhealthy food and to portion control their food if they are simply eating too much.

Everyone is so afraid that they will somehow cause an eating disorder but they fail to recognize that a child eating himself into obesity is already an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP, oh my God you all are projecting and you have absolutely no idea what is going on in my house. I *do* parent my children and I do talk to my children about healthy eating, I talk about the importance of protein and a varied diet, about “empty calories” and stress eating etc. I encourage exercise and model it through my own behavior. Once I have done all that though, I shut up!

What I don’t do is make constant little sniping judgmental/shaming comments about food as my teen is eating! You are not here to hear my husband but I can guarantee to you that it is not helpful. What it’s doing is creating a sense in my kid that he has to hide his eating and/or that he is bad for what he eats. My spouse is creating a world where there’s good versus bad food. It’s so messed up and I cannot make him stop!

Teenagers famously have huge appetites. My teen is still growing and may grow inches! The fact that he is slightly overweight now does not mean that is how he will be forever, this may be just a stage!

I think it’s interesting that some of you all assumed that my teen was a girl.

Look, everyone can enjoy their feelings of superiority and think that they are doing things correctly if their kids are not overweight, but I have one overweight kid and one normal weight/skinny kid in this house so it’s not as if I am incapable of raising a healthy-weight kid! I’m also not overweight!

Thank you to those who have actually tried to be helpful but what I really, really want is some kind of science-based expert who can talk to me and my husband and get us both on the same page about how to handle this. Off the cuff advice is not helpful although it may make you feel good! It actually reminds me very much of the comments my husband makes which may do some thing for him but are not actually helping the situation.

Does anyone have any names of counseling centers, names of dietitians or therapists, good books to suggest?

What happens if you call your husband out on it? My obese husband will sometimes do this to my healthy weight, still growing teen boy. He'll remark on how much he snacks. I call him out and tell him he's the biggest snacker/eater in the family so he shouldn't talk. That shuts him up real quick because he knows it's true. I serve healthy meals, avoid having junk food in the house, encourage exercise, etc. My husband insists on going to the grocery store every week to stock up on all his junk. It's beyond frustrating that he doesn't care enough about his health or his family to care about what he eats, but I can't do anything about it. He's an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP again, in my original post I said: “Please recommend to me some kind of professional that we can go to for counseling.” Obviously this is a public comment board and people can respond with whatever they want, and maybe I didn’t phrase my initial post well enough. But what I really was hoping for is the name of some sort of counseling center, weight expert, something like that.

Hasn’t anyone on this board disagreed with a spouse about how to handle weight issues in a teenager and gone to see an objective expert? Isn’t there some kind of doctor/dietitian/psychologist who can offer science-based strategies?

JFC OP, you are clearly just looking for a “professional” to take your side so you can lord it over your husband. This is one of the most bizarre posts I think I have ever seen on here. The unpleasant fact of the matter is if the kid is overweight it is the parents’ fault. Both your husband AND YOU are failing your child. Get a grip and figure it out, you don’t need a “professional”.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if you need a professional to tell you not to eat a second slice of cake.

I would just tell my husband to shut up.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want you teen to learn the ins and outs of healthy eating employ a dietitian and change what you purchase/stock at home. Encourage some type of physical activity.

I agree with you that what your DH is doing is hurtful and he’s projecting. I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool around it either b/c a) it’s obviously not producing results and yet he keeps at it, and b) it’s horribly hypocritical and I can’t see how your child would have any respect for him.

What OP wants to do, not talk about weight or food choices at all, is harmful but feels nicer to OP.

Actually, if you care about science (and I have no reason to think you do), the thing that "works" the least is pushing people to lose weight.

Works is in quotation marks because for the most part, fat people don't become thin people. But you can teach people about foods and exercise that support valid markers of good health, of which BMI is not one.

The science shows that hurts, fwiw.

Villainizing or valorizing specific foods hurts. Teaching them that fiber helps them poop or what foods will keep them from getting hungry an hour later does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not normal parenting when it’s incessant. I think the better policy is to usually not have sugary things around and change the environment.
I also think the comments land differently when a person is overweight.
Given that my husband has been making these comments incessantly for quite some time, I think that if they had been effective we would know that by now. Instead, my kid is overweight.

Your kid is overweight because you enable him. You want him fat so you can turn on your husband.

You are the problem!!!

Stop buying cake!

[Anonymous]

Whole family train for a run

Whole family follow a training diet

Whole family has fun!! And keeps living.

Healthy weight isn't about vanity, it's about health. Chronic diseases creep up over time and destroy/end your life.

Also, can you go away for a bit just you and your daughter? Might be a nice reset.

DO NOT HAVE ANY CAKE IN THE HOUSE PERIOD

[Anonymous]

one word: OZEMPIC

[Anonymous]

Why you buying cake of kid has no control?