I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess congratulations? DCUM sure loves encouraging people not to spend time with family!

So true. Congrats for putting up your ‘boundaries’ OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commute for work more than 50 miles each way. So it's not like you have to "travel" for Thanksgiving to see them. They want to cook you a nice meal and have you over to socialize and somehow you took offense to this? You could be back in your own bed by 10:00 pm. You could also cook a nice meal for your family on Friday or Saturday. No idea what boundary you were trying to enforce. Like you just didn't want to be expected to endure a nice cooked meal with your parents?? The horrors. I mean, you do you but this is silly.

Or she could cook the meal ON the holiday in her own damn home.

True. But she doesn’t have to be such a little jerk about it. The way she “invited” the parents was so childish.

In what way? She knew her parents expected them to travel for the holiday and she let her mom know they would be staying home but her parents were welcome to join. What is childish about that? It sounds like her mom handled it poorly even thought is a very normal thing to do.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this. She got fed up with driving to see her parents, with the people, and all of it. She set her boundaries, and we had lonely three person Thanksgivings and Christmases every year from when I was young.

It's one of the few things I look back on from my childhood and know was unambiguously a mistake on my parents part. I never established family traditions, I missed time with my grandparents, and generally I missed out. I lucked out and I got married into a family that took a different path, so my kid isn't experiencing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

Are you always so absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

The melodrama is all OP’s.

Not even close, but i understand that this line of thinking is bizarrely important to you, so please, do continue.

What precisely in the PP is melodramatic? The fact that OP admits her mom acted as if she were punched in the gut seems to indicate that OP inserted some drama into the situation.

It's more the fact that OP writes as if she relished her mother's reaction that has disturbed everyone and made the claws come out.

Sometimes writing in a neutral way actually comes across as negative, OP, just FYI. It's context-dependent. Clearly you're not a sensitive, socially-aware sort of person. This is not your fault, but it's the reason why people are reacting the way they are. This was never going to go well, the way you wrote your post. You might want to pay attention to that in the future... if you wish.

Yeah OP seems pleased with herself for hurting her mom. Congrats, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

I didn't put a direct quote of every word I used on purpose.

If I don't have social skills, then there's another good reason not to have to suffer my presence at a dinner, though. My husband thinks my social skills and cooking are good enough, so I'm fortunate.

Okay, that’s fine. But don’t expect to get praised by the DCUm community when the point of your post seems to be that you were deliberately hurtful to your mom and are really proud that she seemed punched in the gut. If that’s not the way it went down, then it was weird to describe it that way, as if you are encouraging people to be rude to their moms. If in fact your mom is an awful person and deserved what she got, then perhaps we are missing the back story. But most of us have moms who deserve to be treated with kindness and most of us would be upset if our mom felt punched in the gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

[Anonymous]

I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I told them that we had a menu and were preparing food, that they were welcome to join us if they wished, but that we would not be traveling for the holiday.

My mother looked like I had punched her in the gut and said nothing in response. My father just kept doing what he was doing. I'm not even sure if he heard what I said, but if he did, he didn't react or say anything in response.

We actually do have a nice menu planned for just DH, me, and two DCs. This will be our first Thanksgiving not at my parents' house.

(As far as why we have never celebrated with DH's parents, there are two sets of them and their holiday tables are full with others who live closer to them and are part of their current families. It's always been this way.)

So you're cutting off the half of your extended family who values your children and their presence?

Where did op say they valued her kids presence? They obviously don’t for holidays and that’s okay. People always looking to be offended.

[Anonymous]

So you get another family dinner with just the 3 other people you eat dinner with every other day of the year! Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

This is all BS. You didn't think you were relieving her of any burdens. If you'd genuinely thought that you would have had a conversation with her like adults do, not presented it as a fait accompli.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

This is all BS. You didn't think you were relieving her of any burdens. If you'd genuinely thought that you would have had a conversation with her like adults do, not presented it as a fait accompli.

You don't think it's a burden to cook for four additional people? Then you are definitely not either of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

This is all BS. You didn't think you were relieving her of any burdens. If you'd genuinely thought that you would have had a conversation with her like adults do, not presented it as a fait accompli.

You don't think it's a burden to cook for four additional people? Then you are definitely not either of my parents.

My point was that when someone really thinks another person would appreciate changes in how the family does things, you TALK to them about it. You don't announce what you're doing without chance for them to have input on whether they actually want that. This is about you and your "boundaries," and not about your mother. You're rationalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

OP here, yes, this resonates with me. I didn't relish my mother's reaction. I was not exactly surprised by it, but I had hoped she would react differently, maybe appreciate that she wouldn't have so much work to do. She often complains about all of the work she has to do, so I thought I was relieving some of that. She was literally complaining about that for a long time right before I told her. The work she was complaining about wasn't holiday related, but it will affect the holiday. That's enough.

This is all BS. You didn't think you were relieving her of any burdens. If you'd genuinely thought that you would have had a conversation with her like adults do, not presented it as a fait accompli.

You don't think it's a burden to cook for four additional people? Then you are definitely not either of my parents.

My point was that when someone really thinks another person would appreciate changes in how the family does things, you TALK to them about it. You don't announce what you're doing without chance for them to have input on whether they actually want that. This is about you and your "boundaries," and not about your mother. You're rationalizing.

You are literally faulting me for planning my own menu and taking care of my own family in response to listening to literally hours of complaints about cooking for too many people, helping friends, and feel overwhelmed by social obligations and caregiving that have nothing to do with me. You are rationalizing your attack. It's called projecting.