I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess congratulations? DCUM sure loves encouraging people not to spend time with family!

+1000

This is a really odd community. Posters wear their estrangement from family life as a badge of honor.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

Seems like OP could have been more clear about her situation upfront. But no, she trickled the details out to keep this whole thing going and going.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

Exactly. It's one thing to have a family affair where everyone contributes a dish, takes care of cleaning up after themselves, and helps each other. It's another to have to put on a formal affair for people that you don't know or who otherwise have no relationship with you while they sit back and enjoy the service as in a fancy restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

OP - it just sounds like you really resent your parents and don't enjoy spending the holidays with them. Have you ever talked to your folks about keeping Thanksgiving smaller? Do you know why they keep inviting more and more friends?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture. Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy. OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc. She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her. It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.

Where to start?

Your post is riddled with sexist, agist ideas about women. Which, for all I know, OP's mom has also internalized. But OP did not put her mom"out to pasture." She has not been "replaced." It's also never the obligation of the mom, whichever mom, to host -- couples can host jointly. In many families, men do to bulk of the cooking on holidays (this is true in my household and for my brother and his family).

OP did not say, "Mom, your time is over. It's my time now. You're no good anymore and this marks the end of your useful life." And it very much does not appear that OP feels that way. Rather, OP just didn't want to travel for Thanksgiving as she has for the last 20-odd years. She wanted her kids to enjoy the holiday in their own home. She also wasn't saying that she didn't want to spend the holiday with her parents, who she invited to her home. I don't sense that OP thinks of this as her "taking over" as matriarch. At all.

No one owns a holiday. This idea that holidays must revolve around a matriarch is outdated and unnecessarily burdensome. It also rarely makes sense when families live in different places, as it's usually much harder to travel with kids than as a retiree, unless there are health concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

OP - it just sounds like you really resent your parents and don't enjoy spending the holidays with them. Have you ever talked to your folks about keeping Thanksgiving smaller? Do you know why they keep inviting more and more friends?

I have, but I get verbal static in response, so I am left taking it to mean that they don't want to, it's their house, and that's that.

I am surprised that this thread has attracted so many responses. I would have thought it would have fallen off the page by now. Interesting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

OP - it just sounds like you really resent your parents and don't enjoy spending the holidays with them. Have you ever talked to your folks about keeping Thanksgiving smaller? Do you know why they keep inviting more and more friends?

Not OP but we tried having that conversation with my MIL and it went over like a lead balloon. Her perspective was that it's her house and therefore her choice, not ours. The idea that we would jointly, as a family, agree on a Thanksgiving that met everyone's needs (including our kids, who do not enjoy spending the day having to make small talk with all their grandparents neighbors and friends, and who barely even spend any time with their grandparents, who are too busy hosting these other adults) was not really on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture. Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy. OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc. She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her. It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.

Where to start?

Your post is riddled with sexist, agist ideas about women. Which, for all I know, OP's mom has also internalized. But OP did not put her mom"out to pasture." She has not been "replaced." It's also never the obligation of the mom, whichever mom, to host -- couples can host jointly. In many families, men do to bulk of the cooking on holidays (this is true in my household and for my brother and his family).

OP did not say, "Mom, your time is over. It's my time now. You're no good anymore and this marks the end of your useful life." And it very much does not appear that OP feels that way. Rather, OP just didn't want to travel for Thanksgiving as she has for the last 20-odd years. She wanted her kids to enjoy the holiday in their own home. She also wasn't saying that she didn't want to spend the holiday with her parents, who she invited to her home. I don't sense that OP thinks of this as her "taking over" as matriarch. At all.

No one owns a holiday. This idea that holidays must revolve around a matriarch is outdated and unnecessarily burdensome. It also rarely makes sense when families live in different places, as it's usually much harder to travel with kids than as a retiree, unless there are health concerns.

I'd say that my interpretation of women and holidays is far more common than yours. I have never met a straight man, besides a few who like to do the deep fried turkey outdoors, who is "in charge" of a holiday meal. You may feel that traditional women's roles are sexist and ageist, but lots of us do honor those roles. Of course OP didn't use these words, but announcing that you are ending a decades long tradition and then posting on social media when your mother makes a face in reaction says that is exactly what she was communicating.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope that your small Thanksgiving satisfies your need to be The Most Important Person in the Room, while your parents get to spend their day with people who appreciate and enjoy their food and company. This all seems like a win-win to me!

I also trust that you’ve gotten some of the validation that you desperately need with the people that have agreed with you here. It’s really lovely how these things seem to work out, don’t they?

Have a wonderful holiday - in 4 weeks or whatever it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

OP - it just sounds like you really resent your parents and don't enjoy spending the holidays with them. Have you ever talked to your folks about keeping Thanksgiving smaller? Do you know why they keep inviting more and more friends?

Not OP but we tried having that conversation with my MIL and it went over like a lead balloon. Her perspective was that it's her house and therefore her choice, not ours. The idea that we would jointly, as a family, agree on a Thanksgiving that met everyone's needs (including our kids, who do not enjoy spending the day having to make small talk with all their grandparents neighbors and friends, and who barely even spend any time with their grandparents, who are too busy hosting these other adults) was not really on the table.

How do you expect your child to get into an Ivy if they don’t know how to make small talk with others? Don’t you bring other things for them to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope that your small Thanksgiving satisfies your need to be The Most Important Person in the Room, while your parents get to spend their day with people who appreciate and enjoy their food and company. This all seems like a win-win to me!

I also trust that you’ve gotten some of the validation that you desperately need with the people that have agreed with you here. It’s really lovely how these things seem to work out, don’t they?

Have a wonderful holiday - in 4 weeks or whatever it is!

Thanks so much Passive Aggressive Polly !

- Not the OP

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

OP - it just sounds like you really resent your parents and don't enjoy spending the holidays with them. Have you ever talked to your folks about keeping Thanksgiving smaller? Do you know why they keep inviting more and more friends?

Not OP but we tried having that conversation with my MIL and it went over like a lead balloon. Her perspective was that it's her house and therefore her choice, not ours. The idea that we would jointly, as a family, agree on a Thanksgiving that met everyone's needs (including our kids, who do not enjoy spending the day having to make small talk with all their grandparents neighbors and friends, and who barely even spend any time with their grandparents, who are too busy hosting these other adults) was not really on the table.

How do you expect your child to get into an Ivy if they don’t know how to make small talk with others? Don’t you bring other things for them to do?

Lol I can't tell if this is for real or someone pretending to be a classic Ivy-obsessed DCUMer. Either way, my kids don't need 6 hours of nodding politely while their grandparents next door neighbor describes his gallbladder surgery in detail in order to develop conversational skills. I think it might actually hurt in the end.

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Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture. Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy. OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc. She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her. It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.

Where to start?

Your post is riddled with sexist, agist ideas about women. Which, for all I know, OP's mom has also internalized. But OP did not put her mom"out to pasture." She has not been "replaced." It's also never the obligation of the mom, whichever mom, to host -- couples can host jointly. In many families, men do to bulk of the cooking on holidays (this is true in my household and for my brother and his family).

OP did not say, "Mom, your time is over. It's my time now. You're no good anymore and this marks the end of your useful life." And it very much does not appear that OP feels that way. Rather, OP just didn't want to travel for Thanksgiving as she has for the last 20-odd years. She wanted her kids to enjoy the holiday in their own home. She also wasn't saying that she didn't want to spend the holiday with her parents, who she invited to her home. I don't sense that OP thinks of this as her "taking over" as matriarch. At all.

No one owns a holiday. This idea that holidays must revolve around a matriarch is outdated and unnecessarily burdensome. It also rarely makes sense when families live in different places, as it's usually much harder to travel with kids than as a retiree, unless there are health concerns.

I'd say that my interpretation of women and holidays is far more common than yours. I have never met a straight man, besides a few who like to do the deep fried turkey outdoors, who is "in charge" of a holiday meal. You may feel that traditional women's roles are sexist and ageist, but lots of us do honor those roles. Of course OP didn't use these words, but announcing that you are ending a decades long tradition and then posting on social media when your mother makes a face in reaction says that is exactly what she was communicating.

And we have Handmaiden Holly honoring those tradition female roles.

Signed -Not the OP

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk to.

Are you the OP? I remember a similar post to this one like a week ago. Is this the same OP of both posts.

I am the OP, but I just started posting today. I wasn't using this site a week ago and I'm not an avid daily reader, so sorry if I'm repeating something too similar to someone else.

Classic. OP starts a thread bragging about how she gut punched her mom, then when no one is impressed, she comes back to say: 1) actually I didn’t mention it but my mom is a narcissist who invites other peolel and makes me play scullery make so she deserved it; 2) I never read dcum but thought my approach would be helpful to many other lurkers on this site; 3) I don’t have time to be criticized so I’m out.

Op I will say that if your mom is truly that awful, you handled it appropriately. But it is not good advice for anyone who has a reasonably normal mom.

"gut punched" her mom by saying she wants to host her own thanksgiving and starting the discussion with the menu. talk about overwrought.

OP is the one that said her mother looked like she punched her in the gut. You’re saying OP is overwrought?

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.

OP - it just sounds like you really resent your parents and don't enjoy spending the holidays with them. Have you ever talked to your folks about keeping Thanksgiving smaller? Do you know why they keep inviting more and more friends?

Not OP but we tried having that conversation with my MIL and it went over like a lead balloon. Her perspective was that it's her house and therefore her choice, not ours. The idea that we would jointly, as a family, agree on a Thanksgiving that met everyone's needs (including our kids, who do not enjoy spending the day having to make small talk with all their grandparents neighbors and friends, and who barely even spend any time with their grandparents, who are too busy hosting these other adults) was not really on the table.

I am the PP - and I feel like in a situation like that, you can feel free to just make your own plans, then. You've tried to accommodate, and have met stubborn resistance - and it's fine to decide you're ready to start your own traditions.

Just as a last comment - I'll just say that OP didn't say anything like that in the first post. No: we've tried for years to meet my parents halfway on this Thanksgiving tradition, and it's just not working. So this year we've decided we're going to do what we want, and it's hard to do for all the reasons you'd expect but it's also quite liberating. My mother's reaction drives home why this is hard and also why I have to do it - and I hope she'll decide to come spend the holiday with us instead of at her Gatsby-like festival of strangers, but if not then so be it.

That's not how it's sounded, and OP keeps coming back over and over to say stuff like, "How CURIOUS that you all keep discussing this rather incendiary and almost troll-like post that I'd almost forgotten about! By the way did I mention that my mother joined the Nazi party, and her Thanksgiving guests are also all Nazis?" And I think this is probably yet another troll thread that I've been suckered into having an opinion about. Anyway, well done OP - A+ trolling.