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Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.
Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"
I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.
I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.
I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.
OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.
I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.
DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.
Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?
Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.
I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.
Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?
I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.
I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.
It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.
Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!
No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.
Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.
That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.
This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture. Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy. OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc. She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her. It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.
Where to start?
Your post is riddled with sexist, agist ideas about women. Which, for all I know, OP's mom has also internalized. But OP did not put her mom"out to pasture." She has not been "replaced." It's also never the obligation of the mom, whichever mom, to host -- couples can host jointly. In many families, men do to bulk of the cooking on holidays (this is true in my household and for my brother and his family).
OP did not say, "Mom, your time is over. It's my time now. You're no good anymore and this marks the end of your useful life." And it very much does not appear that OP feels that way. Rather, OP just didn't want to travel for Thanksgiving as she has for the last 20-odd years. She wanted her kids to enjoy the holiday in their own home. She also wasn't saying that she didn't want to spend the holiday with her parents, who she invited to her home. I don't sense that OP thinks of this as her "taking over" as matriarch. At all.
No one owns a holiday. This idea that holidays must revolve around a matriarch is outdated and unnecessarily burdensome. It also rarely makes sense when families live in different places, as it's usually much harder to travel with kids than as a retiree, unless there are health concerns.
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