I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

Turkey, stuffing, three vegetable dishes, Parker rolls, apple cider, and a pumpkin pie. Very standard thanksgiving but we are going to love it. And I'll be able to eat some of the turkey for the first time in years.

Sounds great! Better than being the clean up crew for a large adult dinner party. We've never been rigid about Thanksgiving and now kids are real adults. You planning on a breast or full turkey?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook.

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table.

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it!

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.

This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture. Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy. OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc. She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her. It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

Turkey, stuffing, three vegetable dishes, Parker rolls, apple cider, and a pumpkin pie. Very standard thanksgiving but we are going to love it. And I'll be able to eat some of the turkey for the first time in years.

Can you explain that bit? Why didn’t you get to eat turkey at Thanksgiving previously?

I want to know this too! I don’t care about the rest of the thread but did your family just not serve turkey?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're teaching your kids how much to value their parents. Don't be surprised when they learn the lesson.

Sigh. You again always with this same old bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I told them that we had a menu and were preparing food, that they were welcome to join us if they wished, but that we would not be traveling for the holiday.

My mother looked like I had punched her in the gut and said nothing in response. My father just kept doing what he was doing. I'm not even sure if he heard what I said, but if he did, he didn't react or say anything in response.

We actually do have a nice menu planned for just DH, me, and two DCs. This will be our first Thanksgiving not at my parents' house.

(As far as why we have never celebrated with DH's parents, there are two sets of them and their holiday tables are full with others who live closer to them and are part of their current families. It's always been this way.)

Between this and the subject line, it’s pretty clear that your invitation for them to join you isn’t real.

Be honest — did you say

“We’re not coming for Thanksgiving this year. You can join us if you really want to.”

Or

“Hey, we had an idea — we’d really like to host you for Thanksgiving at our house this year!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

Turkey, stuffing, three vegetable dishes, Parker rolls, apple cider, and a pumpkin pie. Very standard thanksgiving but we are going to love it. And I'll be able to eat some of the turkey for the first time in years.

Can you explain that bit? Why didn’t you get to eat turkey at Thanksgiving previously?

I want to know this too! I don’t care about the rest of the thread but did your family just not serve turkey?

Ok, this is going to sound as crazy as it is, but I will tell you.

I was always expected to wait until the guests were served to get my food. I also am the only person at the party with children, so when my kids were little, I would help them serve themselves because I didn't want them making an accidental mess. Think expensive china dishes on a high serving buffet type of dinner party.

This was fine, but as the years went on, more and more unknown (to me) people started attending these parties, and by the time I got to make my own plate, the turkey would be gone. This would be a huge carved turkey from a butcher's, gone.

I got a smaller turkey this year for the four of us so that we can have leftovers or my parents could join us and we'd have plenty.

I never made a big deal about it because, well, it wasn't my party, but now that I'm planning to host in my own space, I'm looking forward to being 'off the clock' for Thanksgiving, and that's the first thing I thought of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

Turkey, stuffing, three vegetable dishes, Parker rolls, apple cider, and a pumpkin pie. Very standard thanksgiving but we are going to love it. And I'll be able to eat some of the turkey for the first time in years.

Can you explain that bit? Why didn’t you get to eat turkey at Thanksgiving previously?

I want to know this too! I don’t care about the rest of the thread but did your family just not serve turkey?

Ok, this is going to sound as crazy as it is, but I will tell you.

I was always expected to wait until the guests were served to get my food. I also am the only person at the party with children, so when my kids were little, I would help them serve themselves because I didn't want them making an accidental mess. Think expensive china dishes on a high serving buffet type of dinner party.

This was fine, but as the years went on, more and more unknown (to me) people started attending these parties, and by the time I got to make my own plate, the turkey would be gone. This would be a huge carved turkey from a butcher's, gone.

I got a smaller turkey this year for the four of us so that we can have leftovers or my parents could join us and we'd have plenty.

I never made a big deal about it because, well, it wasn't my party, but now that I'm planning to host in my own space, I'm looking forward to being 'off the clock' for Thanksgiving, and that's the first thing I thought of.

Turkey is overrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

Turkey, stuffing, three vegetable dishes, Parker rolls, apple cider, and a pumpkin pie. Very standard thanksgiving but we are going to love it. And I'll be able to eat some of the turkey for the first time in years.

Can you explain that bit? Why didn’t you get to eat turkey at Thanksgiving previously?

I want to know this too! I don’t care about the rest of the thread but did your family just not serve turkey?

Ok, this is going to sound as crazy as it is, but I will tell you.

I was always expected to wait until the guests were served to get my food. I also am the only person at the party with children, so when my kids were little, I would help them serve themselves because I didn't want them making an accidental mess. Think expensive china dishes on a high serving buffet type of dinner party.

This was fine, but as the years went on, more and more unknown (to me) people started attending these parties, and by the time I got to make my own plate, the turkey would be gone. This would be a huge carved turkey from a butcher's, gone.

I got a smaller turkey this year for the four of us so that we can have leftovers or my parents could join us and we'd have plenty.

I never made a big deal about it because, well, it wasn't my party, but now that I'm planning to host in my own space, I'm looking forward to being 'off the clock' for Thanksgiving, and that's the first thing I thought of.

Turkey is overrated.

I only know one person with OCD who hates me this much to keep this thread alive long past its expiration date. Is this the father staring into the plate?

I have a lot to give thanks for this year, and I don't want all this simmering rage in my space while I do it.

[Anonymous]

It is a weird thread and I wonder if OP is trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a weird thread and I wonder if OP is trolling.

+1 It got weird and responses were never clear as to whether it was the OP or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, never change dcum...

OP, good for you. I hope your parents come and enjoy their low-maintenance TG with the family. There is nothing wrong with starting your own family traditions. I havent read all the replies if you've posted it, but what is on the menu?

Turkey, stuffing, three vegetable dishes, Parker rolls, apple cider, and a pumpkin pie. Very standard thanksgiving but we are going to love it. And I'll be able to eat some of the turkey for the first time in years.

Can you explain that bit? Why didn’t you get to eat turkey at Thanksgiving previously?

I want to know this too! I don’t care about the rest of the thread but did your family just not serve turkey?

Ok, this is going to sound as crazy as it is, but I will tell you.

I was always expected to wait until the guests were served to get my food. I also am the only person at the party with children, so when my kids were little, I would help them serve themselves because I didn't want them making an accidental mess. Think expensive china dishes on a high serving buffet type of dinner party.

This was fine, but as the years went on, more and more unknown (to me) people started attending these parties, and by the time I got to make my own plate, the turkey would be gone. This would be a huge carved turkey from a butcher's, gone.

I got a smaller turkey this year for the four of us so that we can have leftovers or my parents could join us and we'd have plenty.

I never made a big deal about it because, well, it wasn't my party, but now that I'm planning to host in my own space, I'm looking forward to being 'off the clock' for Thanksgiving, and that's the first thing I thought of.

Hosting and cooking and menu planning is off the clock?

[Anonymous]

I get it. OP and her husband finally decided to stop attending something out of obligation that was unenjoyable to them and their kids for years. They are feeling the relief of freedom from this burdensome waste of time and resources, probably wondering why they didn’t do it sooner. My guess is the kids getting a little older and being able to express how bored and left out they feel tipped them over.

I also get the not wanting to be the servants at someone else’s party perspective. MIL is basically throwing an adult dinner party where her “guests” are served and hosted but OP and her husband aren’t in that category. They are expected to set up, deep clean before, serve, and clean up. Their kids are expected to stay quiet so their parents can work and the other adults can enjoy MIL’s dinner party. This really sucks.

This is NOT the same as an extended family Thanksgiving where everyone chips in and helps out. This is fun. This is also not the same as hosting in your own house where you choose to do it and choose the size/scale that you and your spouse can handle while still enjoying the holiday.

MIL probably looked shocked because she has to choose to either continue her adult party but hire help as her free servants won’t be there or to travel to OP and her husband’s house and let them host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

Yes! This is what I was thinking. It's very strange to go about it like op did. Op it sounds like you're saying "you're welcome to come... Or not. I don't care." Which would make anyone feel like they're not really wanted.

NP. I guarantee if OP had come on here and phrased it like the posters above had suggested, you all would have bristled at her presumption. “You should have INVITED her, not just assumed her presence and steamrolled through!” I can hear it now.

That might be true, because DCUM generally is weird and lacks normal interpersonal skills, but it would be a much warmer way to do it. You could even say: Mom just to be clear I want to spend this holiday with you - we really hope you will come.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great OP. We always had Thanksgiving at home with my family as a kid and really loved it. And you’ve definitely given them enough notice.

Your mom was just surprised. Give her a few days and then check back in with her asking if she thinks they will be coming. If she’s a normal person, she’ll come around pretty easily and enjoy the holiday at your house. And your dad probably really doesn’t care at all either way.

I hope you are right.

I did tell my mother my plans. I did not ask her permission because I am in my 40s and I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything.

We stopped having a 'traditional' holiday of any kind several years ago. My parents are in their late 60s, not 70s or 80s, and they are not housebound.

Just before the pandemic, my mother started inviting her friends to Thanksgiving. These were people that I didn't know. Some of them were rude to me and my children, but at best, my parents spent the holiday with their friends and I ended up cleaning up after all of these people that I had just met. It was like crashing a cocktail party at their house and having to be the waitstaff. My kids were so bored with only each other talk too.

You sound bitter and this was your revenge.

Did your mom make you serve, or did you decide to be a passive aggressive martyr?

Every time you post, you make yourself sound worse. Maybe you are a pill in real life and she had friends over to make her day more pleasant. I hope she has a great Thanksgiving with her friends!

How does someone make another person serve in your house?

That was my question, but in her later post OP made it sound like she is the scullery maid at her mother’s event.

When my husband is at his parents home he is 100% the scullery maid. They literally sit on their asses and have all the children (35-40 y/o) do everything. "Grab that out of the oven" "go ask everyone what they want to drink" (closely followed behind "can you refill so and so" "theres more X in the downstairs fridge, can you bring it outside" "can you grab all the dirty plates?" It's very annoying honestly. Idk how to say "no, its your house, serve your own guests" so I just go along with it and hate it.

I don't see the problem with everyone pitching in? I don't make my 70+ mom wait on me hand and foot. I help out because it's a family affair, not a restaurant.

+1. My mom bosses us all around too. I'd rather bring folding chairs up from the basement than my older parents.

Same. I try to let my mom sit and relax while my sibling and I (and our spouses) handle as much of the serving and fussing as we can. I can't imagine expecting my elderly mother to be running around during a big dinner like that.

That’s different! You AND your siblings are equally pitching in. I’m sure you would feel differently if there were 20 of your mothers friends, people you don’t even know and you/your spouse were the only attendees expected to do everything while your kids are expected to sit quietly being ignored by everyone.