I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

Then why post at all? Why should we care?

You don't have to care, but if you don't, then why respond?

+1000

These thread gatekeepers are annoying AF

If you're writing diary posts with no point, you get what you get.

Really digging your heels in, aren’t you?

Yes, quoted PP is, and her adult tantrum about someone else’s decision that affects her life in no way whatsoever is SO attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I told them that we had a menu and were preparing food, that they were welcome to join us if they wished, but that we would not be traveling for the holiday.

My mother looked like I had punched her in the gut and said nothing in response. My father just kept doing what he was doing. I'm not even sure if he heard what I said, but if he did, he didn't react or say anything in response.

We actually do have a nice menu planned for just DH, me, and two DCs. This will be our first Thanksgiving not at my parents' house.

(As far as why we have never celebrated with DH's parents, there are two sets of them and their holiday tables are full with others who live closer to them and are part of their current families. It's always been this way.)

We have never travelled for Thanksgiving. Initially it was because when the kids were super little it felt like too much and now they have football and cheer ON Thanksgiving and we can't travel. We love doing our own thing for Thanksgiving. Notravel stress, no pressure to do a big fancy meal, etc., etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commute for work more than 50 miles each way. So it's not like you have to "travel" for Thanksgiving to see them. They want to cook you a nice meal and have you over to socialize and somehow you took offense to this? You could be back in your own bed by 10:00 pm. You could also cook a nice meal for your family on Friday or Saturday. No idea what boundary you were trying to enforce. Like you just didn't want to be expected to endure a nice cooked meal with your parents?? The horrors. I mean, you do you but this is silly.

Or she could cook the meal ON the holiday in her own damn home.

[Anonymous]

…OK?

Doing what is best for your family, and extending an invitation for them to come to you is fine.

Your mom having feelings is also fine, especially as she appears to be keeping her feelings to herself. (Other than her face, which is…you know, her face. Expressions are open to interpretation.)

What are you looking for here, exactly? You want us to vicariously police your mom’s feelings? Will that change anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commute for work more than 50 miles each way. So it's not like you have to "travel" for Thanksgiving to see them. They want to cook you a nice meal and have you over to socialize and somehow you took offense to this? You could be back in your own bed by 10:00 pm. You could also cook a nice meal for your family on Friday or Saturday. No idea what boundary you were trying to enforce. Like you just didn't want to be expected to endure a nice cooked meal with your parents?? The horrors. I mean, you do you but this is silly.

Or she could cook the meal ON the holiday in her own damn home.

True. But she doesn’t have to be such a little jerk about it. The way she “invited” the parents was so childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

I’m the pp- i’m curious. What’s the point of this entire post? So we can give her a gold star? I wasn’t being rude and I wasn’t even being judgmental. I was just curious. Maybe they do just want to stay home. She can say that I was asking.

I said this above, but here it is again:

The way I worded my post was not specific to my situation on purpose because I know that this is a common problem for all sorts of reasons and that many people read and don't post. I do this sometimes and learn from other people who share situations that are either different or similar to mine. I think that is part of the benefit of message posts and boards in general. If you don't care, let it fall down due to lack of interest and enjoy your big family Thanksgiving.

This isn't a common problem.

Well, maybe it is for dysfunctional families on garbage reality TV programs.

But real life? It's not like this, not as a norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commute for work more than 50 miles each way. So it's not like you have to "travel" for Thanksgiving to see them. They want to cook you a nice meal and have you over to socialize and somehow you took offense to this? You could be back in your own bed by 10:00 pm. You could also cook a nice meal for your family on Friday or Saturday. No idea what boundary you were trying to enforce. Like you just didn't want to be expected to endure a nice cooked meal with your parents?? The horrors. I mean, you do you but this is silly.

Or she could cook the meal ON the holiday in her own damn home.

True. But she doesn’t have to be such a little jerk about it. The way she “invited” the parents was so childish.

Were you there? What did she say? In response to what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

Are you always so absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

The melodrama is all OP’s.

Not even close, but i understand that this line of thinking is bizarrely important to you, so please, do continue.

What precisely in the PP is melodramatic? The fact that OP admits her mom acted as if she were punched in the gut seems to indicate that OP inserted some drama into the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commute for work more than 50 miles each way. So it's not like you have to "travel" for Thanksgiving to see them. They want to cook you a nice meal and have you over to socialize and somehow you took offense to this? You could be back in your own bed by 10:00 pm. You could also cook a nice meal for your family on Friday or Saturday. No idea what boundary you were trying to enforce. Like you just didn't want to be expected to endure a nice cooked meal with your parents?? The horrors. I mean, you do you but this is silly.

Or she could cook the meal ON the holiday in her own damn home.

OK, so do it. Why be so dramatic about it? It's a damn meal not a right of passage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

I’m the pp- i’m curious. What’s the point of this entire post? So we can give her a gold star? I wasn’t being rude and I wasn’t even being judgmental. I was just curious. Maybe they do just want to stay home. She can say that I was asking.

I said this above, but here it is again:

The way I worded my post was not specific to my situation on purpose because I know that this is a common problem for all sorts of reasons and that many people read and don't post. I do this sometimes and learn from other people who share situations that are either different or similar to mine. I think that is part of the benefit of message posts and boards in general. If you don't care, let it fall down due to lack of interest and enjoy your big family Thanksgiving.

Now I’m not curious at all and I’m just rolling my eyes at your post. You really were just looking for a gold star! So here you go! ⭐️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

I’m the pp- i’m curious. What’s the point of this entire post? So we can give her a gold star? I wasn’t being rude and I wasn’t even being judgmental. I was just curious. Maybe they do just want to stay home. She can say that I was asking.

I said this above, but here it is again:

The way I worded my post was not specific to my situation on purpose because I know that this is a common problem for all sorts of reasons and that many people read and don't post. I do this sometimes and learn from other people who share situations that are either different or similar to mine. I think that is part of the benefit of message posts and boards in general. If you don't care, let it fall down due to lack of interest and enjoy your big family Thanksgiving.

This isn't a common problem.

Well, maybe it is for dysfunctional families on garbage reality TV programs.

But real life? It's not like this, not as a norm.

In "real life", yes, it is a common problem, based on people I know. Most of the people I know do not spend Thanksgiving with their parents once they are grown and have homes of their own, for all sorts of reasons. I know one couple in their 70s who takes cruises every Thanksgiving and their daughter has her own Thanksgiving with her husband and stepson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

Are you always so absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

The melodrama is all OP’s.

Not even close, but i understand that this line of thinking is bizarrely important to you, so please, do continue.

What precisely in the PP is melodramatic? The fact that OP admits her mom acted as if she were punched in the gut seems to indicate that OP inserted some drama into the situation.

DP. To me, this is the genesis of the problem with OP's post. She clearly hurt her mom then seems proud of herself for the interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

OP, I totally get it. We have been through this with both my parents and DH's parents and it can be hard. Once we were married and had kids, we wanted to start creating some of our own traditions around holidays. We've always invited our families to join us for those traditions, but they are generally unwilling to travel (DH and I traveled for holidays into our mid-30s before finally deciding we wanted to spend some of these holidays at home).

One thing both sets of parents really struggled with was that we wanted to provide family holiday experiences for our kids, much as our parents provided those experiences for us as kids. 90% of my memories of holidays growing up occurred in our home. I never once spent Christmas morning at a relatives house, for instance. My grandmother and some aunts and uncles were sometimes present at our celebrations, and we sometimes would travel to a nearby family member's home the day after or the day before a holiday for extra family time. But mostly my parents hosted our immediate family, maybe a few extended family members who were in town, and then a few friends. And that's what DH and I want to do as well, but our parents have both been angry at the idea that we would host any of this.

Of course they also got mad about us having to split holidays between them when we got married.

Basically they are just resistant to change of any kind and also they're all a little bit self-centered and can't really understand any of this from anyone's perspective but their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

Are you always so absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

The melodrama is all OP’s.

Not even close, but i understand that this line of thinking is bizarrely important to you, so please, do continue.

What precisely in the PP is melodramatic? The fact that OP admits her mom acted as if she were punched in the gut seems to indicate that OP inserted some drama into the situation.

It's more the fact that OP writes as if she relished her mother's reaction that has disturbed everyone and made the claws come out.

Sometimes writing in a neutral way actually comes across as negative, OP, just FYI. It's context-dependent. Clearly you're not a sensitive, socially-aware sort of person. This is not your fault, but it's the reason why people are reacting the way they are. This was never going to go well, the way you wrote your post. You might want to pay attention to that in the future... if you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

People on this website act like robots with no human emotion! Except a little low key glee when people are upset, so they can say smugly in response: one needs boundaries, and no is a complete sentence. Beep boop.