I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

So you want to be torn apart by DCUM, OP?
Because posting like this guarantees the outcome.

[Anonymous]

You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

[Anonymous]

You're teaching your kids how much to value their parents. Don't be surprised when they learn the lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're teaching your kids how much to value their parents. Don't be surprised when they learn the lesson.

If my sons ever make me dinner, trust me, I wouldn't miss it unless I was dead or in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

[Anonymous]

I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I told them that we had a menu and were preparing food, that they were welcome to join us if they wished, but that we would not be traveling for the holiday.

My mother looked like I had punched her in the gut and said nothing in response. My father just kept doing what he was doing. I'm not even sure if he heard what I said, but if he did, he didn't react or say anything in response.

We actually do have a nice menu planned for just DH, me, and two DCs. This will be our first Thanksgiving not at my parents' house.

(As far as why we have never celebrated with DH's parents, there are two sets of them and their holiday tables are full with others who live closer to them and are part of their current families. It's always been this way.)

Did you actually invite them, or did you phrase it like you did here, that they can come if they want, but making it sound like you don’t really want them?

It would seem to me that if you want to change up what you’ve traditionally done, a more thoughtful approach would have been beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

Then why post at all? Why should we care?

You don't have to care, but if you don't, then why respond?

+1000

These thread gatekeepers are annoying AF

If you're writing diary posts with no point, you get what you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

You thought your approach was compassionate?? It was fricken tone deaf. Get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

I didn't put a direct quote of every word I used on purpose.

If I don't have social skills, then there's another good reason not to have to suffer my presence at a dinner, though. My husband thinks my social skills and cooking are good enough, so I'm fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

From your phrasing, the delivery doesn’t sound particularly compassionate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

Well, you did act like a perpetual child, or maybe a teenager…so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why you didn’t say “Hey Mom, we really want to do Thanksgiving at our house this year. The kids are really excited to host. I’m planning a whole menu but let me know if you want to bring anything or come early to help!” Especially if you’re an only child or dont have local siblings.

Sometimes I read dcum and am amazed at the total lack of social skills. They way you’ve described it sounds like you were deliberately trying to get a rise out of your mom.

I didn't put a direct quote of every word I used on purpose.

If I don't have social skills, then there's another good reason not to have to suffer my presence at a dinner, though. My husband thinks my social skills and cooking are good enough, so I'm fortunate.

LOL -you ARE a perpetual child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

Then why post at all? Why should we care?

You don't have to care, but if you don't, then why respond?

+1000

These thread gatekeepers are annoying AF

If you're writing diary posts with no point, you get what you get.

Really digging your heels in, aren’t you?