I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

Then why post at all? Why should we care?

You don't have to care, but if you don't, then why respond?

DP. What is the point of your post, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would have outright invited them instead of saying, well you can come if you want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're teaching your kids how much to value their parents. Don't be surprised when they learn the lesson.

If generally there's a good relationship with the grandparents, this isn't the lesson. What the kids could take away if you spend every holiday with grandparents is that when they are adults there aren't any traditions at their childhood home so might as well spend the holidays elsewhere. I think it's a balancing act to prioritize the broader family and also have the right to spend major holidays as a nuclear family under your own roof.

My DH's parents have both passed away and we make a decision year by year with regard to whether to travel hundreds of miles to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. Some years we do, other years the logistics have been too hard with work or other things happening in our daily lives. Sometimes, to be honest, we also just don't want to. The travel is exhausting on a major holiday, so we gently let my family know that we are going to use the long weekend to hunker down and recharge.

Hopefully the message we are passing to our kids is that it's okay to make the right decisions for you and those decisions don't have to be the same every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

Then why post at all? Why should we care?

You don't have to care, but if you don't, then why respond?

+1000

These thread gatekeepers are annoying AF

If you're writing diary posts with no point, you get what you get.

Really digging your heels in, aren’t you?

Seems like this isn't going to go OPs way. But carry on with whatever you're doing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

I’m the pp- i’m curious. What’s the point of this entire post? So we can give her a gold star? I wasn’t being rude and I wasn’t even being judgmental. I was just curious. Maybe they do just want to stay home. She can say that I was asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really posted it because:

1) setting a reasonable, compassionate boundary is difficult, but it can still be done. Someone reading this might be thinking of doing that and need a little solidarity. Those are the sorts of people who tend to lurk, not post, much of the time. I see you.

2) that was not easy for me, either! There is something comforting about being treated like a perpetual child, but I'm over 40, so time to grow up and make my own food. My parents have a strict rule that no one else cooks in their kitchen, so I decided to do my own thing.

Oh the irony.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess congratulations? DCUM sure loves encouraging people not to spend time with family!

Oh, grow up.

[Anonymous]

The way you describe this interaction, you sound rather petulant. It sounds more like you dropped some bomb out of nowhere rather than maybe setting the stage and approaching the issue with more tact, especially if going to their place has been a long-established transition.

You also sound weirdly chuffed with yourself.

What's up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

Then why post at all? Why should we care?

Clearly you do, and your panties are in a bunch about it. Weird.

[Anonymous]

I think a sudden announcement to state you’re breaking a long-standing tradition is very rude, at least the way you presented it here. You would have been a much better person to break the news gently “Mom, DH and I really want to host our own thanksgiving this year. We’d love it if you and dad would come. I know it’s a big change and hope you’re not too upset but it’s something we’re really eager to try.” Then let her say her piece, hold firm, but be kind, tell her it would mean a lot if she’d bring her pumpkin pie or, if they’re not able to come, you could make plans to do XYZ together over Christmas.

Why are you being so antagonistic to your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're teaching your kids how much to value their parents. Don't be surprised when they learn the lesson.

Yawwwwnnnnnn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

Are you always so absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

I commute for work more than 50 miles each way. So it's not like you have to "travel" for Thanksgiving to see them. They want to cook you a nice meal and have you over to socialize and somehow you took offense to this? You could be back in your own bed by 10:00 pm. You could also cook a nice meal for your family on Friday or Saturday. No idea what boundary you were trying to enforce. Like you just didn't want to be expected to endure a nice cooked meal with your parents?? The horrors. I mean, you do you but this is silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May I ask why? Do you live too far away?

Does there need to be a specific why? What if they just want to stay home?

I’m the pp- i’m curious. What’s the point of this entire post? So we can give her a gold star? I wasn’t being rude and I wasn’t even being judgmental. I was just curious. Maybe they do just want to stay home. She can say that I was asking.

I said this above, but here it is again:

The way I worded my post was not specific to my situation on purpose because I know that this is a common problem for all sorts of reasons and that many people read and don't post. I do this sometimes and learn from other people who share situations that are either different or similar to mine. I think that is part of the benefit of message posts and boards in general. If you don't care, let it fall down due to lack of interest and enjoy your big family Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have softened the blow by broaching it earlier before you had planned your menu and by giving them some reasons why you don't want to travel that make clear it is not about your affection for them or their qualities as hosts.

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay home, but if you are concerned that you have upset your mom, you might think about how you delivered the news and whether you were intentionally or unintentionally hurtful.

Yes, if your are going to turn the tables on what they regard as tradition, this feels a little passive agressive last minute. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays people tend to plan far in advance or if hearing no different, assume that their traditional gathering stands. Admit it, you wanted to throw in a little grenade. Good job, OP. May the rest of your holidays be bright…

Are you always so absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

The melodrama is all OP’s.