When your kid is melting down and people try to "help"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of us have learned that when dealing with a tantruming small child, a random comment by a stranger can shock them into breaking out of it. Hence someone complimenting on the outfit. Don’t get into battles over outfits, especially if the kid is already out in public in it. You don’t “understand” a toddler - you either redirect or remove. You can’t fix the fact that the water they’re drinking is wet. Kid continually heading towards the river gets everyone put in the car right now.

How ancient are you? Ugh, this is the opposite of helpful. Mind your business and keep it moving.

Is this comment for real? The above was the only helpful thing on this post so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

Your kids never ever cried or whined in public with you? Then you either were rich enough to have someone else caring for them and/or running your errands full time, or more likely don’t remember what having a toddler was like. Either way you’re not the target audience for this thread.

OP, I was once dealing with walking an overtired 2yo home from daycare and she’d sat down on an empty sidewalk and was yelling about not wanting go get in the stroller or to walk. Not a full tantrum but just overtired misery that I knew perfectly well would be best fixed by some quiet time. So I was just standing there waiting for her to calm down and someone had the absolute gall to cross the street specifically to come up to me to stop, stare, and after like 30 seconds ask “is she having a tantrum?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

I think the reason we don’t “remove our child” right away is:
1. We are hoping to get things back on track without walking away
2. Maybe child or myself or someone else close to us really needs an item in the store. We recognize there an issue, we’re taking time to listen to our kid on the sidewalk by the store’s entrance…. we’re trying to resolve it.
3. Sorry I don’t want to surfboard carry right now. I think this semi-private location by the carts (not in the way of the carts) is enough to handle what we have.

And then it can turn out the kid still isn’t settling and we need to walk away. Or, we need to go back in. This isn’t 30 minutes, this is like a 2-7 minute tantrum AND WE REALLY WANT the thing in the store. That’s why we drove here. In 2023, there is delivery, but we drove here because we need it sooner.

All of this plus sometimes just getting the kid to leave causes the tantrum to escalate or sometimes the parents are trying to leave but it’s hard to wrestle them up to carry them without inviting more comments and more screaming from the kid. They can’t just magically transport themselves out of the store.

It’s a rare exception that a parent is letting a kid have a tantrum in a store is not trying to do something to diffuse the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

If true, you have amazing, unusual children. Your kids, even at age 1 or 2 NEVER, even at home, got mad or frustrated or overtired and cried/screamed/flopped to the ground? I find this extremely hard to believe. I have one kid who rarely threw fits, and almost never in public, but it still happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 50s, children are young adults. I just walk on past you and your crying little ones. I do not say a word, or get involved in any way. It's your problem, not mine.

I walk to the other side of the store where it's blissfully quiet and begin my shopping there, far, far away from you and your crying child. By the time I reach the area where you were dealing with it, you are gone.

Works for me.

+1. I will never say anything or try to "help." I'm not interested in you, your child, or why it's upset. I will just get as far away as possible until the noise is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

Your kids never ever cried or whined in public with you? Then you either were rich enough to have someone else caring for them and/or running your errands full time, or more likely don’t remember what having a toddler was like. Either way you’re not the target audience for this thread.

OP, I was once dealing with walking an overtired 2yo home from daycare and she’d sat down on an empty sidewalk and was yelling about not wanting go get in the stroller or to walk. Not a full tantrum but just overtired misery that I knew perfectly well would be best fixed by some quiet time. So I was just standing there waiting for her to calm down and someone had the absolute gall to cross the street specifically to come up to me to stop, stare, and after like 30 seconds ask “is she having a tantrum?”

Was this the first time she was overtired from preschool? If so, then this should have told you that she was: 1. Too young for day care; or, 2. Pick her up and.hour earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 50s, children are young adults. I just walk on past you and your crying little ones. I do not say a word, or get involved in any way. It's your problem, not mine.

I walk to the other side of the store where it's blissfully quiet and begin my shopping there, far, far away from you and your crying child. By the time I reach the area where you were dealing with it, you are gone.

Works for me.

+1. I will never say anything or try to "help." I'm not interested in you, your child, or why it's upset. I will just get as far away as possible until the noise is over.

You are good people. We parents of young children appreciate you. I sincerely hope you find everything you need in the store and all the lights turn green for you on the way home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

Well, you just demonstrated your inability to remember and your ability to look back with rose tinted goggles. My mom is like this - it must be time for you to be a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

Your kids never ever cried or whined in public with you? Then you either were rich enough to have someone else caring for them and/or running your errands full time, or more likely don’t remember what having a toddler was like. Either way you’re not the target audience for this thread.

OP, I was once dealing with walking an overtired 2yo home from daycare and she’d sat down on an empty sidewalk and was yelling about not wanting go get in the stroller or to walk. Not a full tantrum but just overtired misery that I knew perfectly well would be best fixed by some quiet time. So I was just standing there waiting for her to calm down and someone had the absolute gall to cross the street specifically to come up to me to stop, stare, and after like 30 seconds ask “is she having a tantrum?”

DP. I think PP has dementia. All normal kids do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

If true, you have amazing, unusual children. Your kids, even at age 1 or 2 NEVER, even at home, got mad or frustrated or overtired and cried/screamed/flopped to the ground? I find this extremely hard to believe. I have one kid who rarely threw fits, and almost never in public, but it still happened.

+1
I have a selective mute child, who will never throw a tantrum in public because of her anxiety disorder. She very much DID in private though, or in public when there weren’t very many people around. The moment someone smiled at her though, she froze silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My 6 year old has autism and has had some really epic meltdowns in public. I cannot understand what’s going through the minds of people who decide to interject when they see an obviously distressed child and a mother trying to calm her. It takes a special kind of hubris to see that and think, “I bet I know better how to help this situation!”

This!
So it's best just to ignore the ignorance of others. They are not in your shoes.

I’m 10:32. You would be wrong - I also have a kid with autism, and am totally in those shoes. Children with autism are even more resistant to being calmed in a public place with extra stimuli. You need something to register, and remove the kid. Also, OP said nothing about autism, just toddler tantrums.

So.... you want strangers to intervene in your private struggles. Wierd.

It’s not private when it’s happening in public. I once had a dad step in and firmly but kindly tell my kid to “stop and let’s help your mom” and my kid was so stunned they did just that. A lot of stranger peekaboo when standing on a checkout line also worked. Never had anyone be a turd, though, so I don’t know how long you’re letting it go on that people start being so,rude.

[Anonymous]

If your child is having a tantrum in public then it's the public's business. The public should not be disturbed by your child's bad behavior and if interrupting the tantrum makes your child shut up then you should be grateful. God knows the rest of us are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you let your child tantrum in public you put yourself in the position of getting unsolicited comments and advice. If you don’t like it remove your child when they melt down.

Yep, she sounds too permissive "allowing" her child to meltdown in public. Geez, you're obviously not a parent. This is actually normal age appropriate behavior. I'm sure if you were normal you melted down in public at some point. OP, we've all been there. Keep calm and carry on.

I have three children, now grown. And not a single one ever had a tantrum, public or private. I didn't keep them out too long so they got tired or hungry. The main reason was because they were taught how to behave in public.

Your kids never ever cried or whined in public with you? Then you either were rich enough to have someone else caring for them and/or running your errands full time, or more likely don’t remember what having a toddler was like. Either way you’re not the target audience for this thread.

OP, I was once dealing with walking an overtired 2yo home from daycare and she’d sat down on an empty sidewalk and was yelling about not wanting go get in the stroller or to walk. Not a full tantrum but just overtired misery that I knew perfectly well would be best fixed by some quiet time. So I was just standing there waiting for her to calm down and someone had the absolute gall to cross the street specifically to come up to me to stop, stare, and after like 30 seconds ask “is she having a tantrum?”

I am not PP but I just realized this is true for me. Our children have never stepped foot in a daycare. We rarely run errands with them, really just the grocery store which is integrated into our morning walks and fun for them. Or we might do a leisurely trip to Home Depot or Target on a rainy day and let them explore while buying a few things. But never a full day of errands, in and out of the car, leading to hunger, tiredness and cranky behavior. Their outings are child-centered. I feel like that is bad for them, not to be exposed to more stores and errands?

Our children have not had a tantrum in public, which is unfortunate because they are so darn cute when they do it at home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also feel your pain. I am not exactly proud of this, but one time on a pleasant autumn saturday in georgetown, an older woman approached my tantruming toddler who kept running toward the canal trying to jump in, and as i held my squirming child and trued to put them in their stroller, she said to my kid “oh your mommy is being ao mean to you, poor baby”. And i roared at her “go away, leave me alone!”

No wonder your kid throws tantrums with the behavior you are modeling.

Love how posters take the opportunity to kick when someone is admitting they are not perfect. These are the future obnoxious MILs who of course always did everything right. And also ironic--you are such a good parent but a complete jerk to strangers on a forum. Interesting.

Sometimes it takes courage to tell someone to mind their own business if they are being thoughtless. We weren't there so we don't know the real context.

OP, I think how you respond depends on the situation but generally probably ignore (or give a sheepish smile if they do actually seem like they want to share sympathy) and focus on trying to handle the situation as best you can. Parenting is brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 50s, children are young adults. I just walk on past you and your crying little ones. I do not say a word, or get involved in any way. It's your problem, not mine.

I walk to the other side of the store where it's blissfully quiet and begin my shopping there, far, far away from you and your crying child. By the time I reach the area where you were dealing with it, you are gone.

Works for me.

+1. I will never say anything or try to "help." I'm not interested in you, your child, or why it's upset. I will just get as far away as possible until the noise is over.

You are good people. We parents of young children appreciate you. I sincerely hope you find everything you need in the store and all the lights turn green for you on the way home.

I’m not sure I would refer to some one who calls children “it” as “good people”.