My DS wants to be a musician. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be over the top emotionally supportive of his dream. Ask a lot of questions, be interested, see if there was a gesture I could make to show my support (extra guitar lessons?)

However, I would emphasize that an important part of his chosen career path is risk management. He may never make it, he may make it but fizzle out fast, he may have lean years. So - he needs a day job, at least at the beginning, that’s enough to support himself. Brainstorm with him - what could that be? Something tolerable, with reasonable hours, where you would make enough to live on and still have time for gigs. Music teacher? Government job? Basic office job? Lots of the kinds of jobs you would get without a college degree would conflict with gigs - service industry or blue collar work is rarely 9-5.

So from that perspective, of being a successful musician, college is going to afford him lots of opportunities. Plus, it’s a great place to meet other band mates and build a following. And so, keeping your grades up in high school is crucial.

And then yes, there would be consequences for not doing school work. But I’d be much more likely to take away his phone than take away his guitar.

This is all true.

Never, ever, take away an instrument from a musician.

My brother's a successful musician. He asked his HS guidance counselor for suggestions for jobs that would let him earn a living and have nights free while he established himself. Like John Prine, he worked for the Post Office. Luckily it didn't take him long to become successful.

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't want me to become an actor and kept talking to me about putting "eggs in other baskets" and how impossible it was, so I chased it behind their backs. It put a massive wedge in our relationship for years. I spent weekends in New York auditioning, had appearances on TV that they never knew about and would hear about from coworkers or friends. I never felt comfortable sharing any wins with them and definitely not any struggles, I was completely alone in this pursuit. I finally pivoted into producing/production development and I'm very happy here. Did I become a movie star? No, not even close. But my pursuit led me exactly where I was meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your brother talk to him about school? Surely your brother wouldn’t encourage him to be a high school drop out or to not even attempt going to college.

A good heart to heart from your brother, a financially successful musician, about the importance of school, college, and the difficulty and odd of becoming a lucrative musician.

If he’s at all honest with this kid, he’ll tell him college isn’t important for making it in music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read this book. Don’t squash your child’s dreams.
https://www.fromcradletostage.com/

Yes! Dave Grohl’s mom was amazing. She was a teacher and knew that the best thing for her son was to let him take the spot in the touring band (Scream) he was offered. It meant dropping out of high school, but she knew her child and his needs.

You could advise him to pursue something like producing on top of writing songs. It’s a little safer and doesn’t stop him from writing songs and playing in bands. My husband’s cousin did that and is a Grammy winning producer in Memphis.

But don’t squash his dreams.

Same with Tom Morello’s mom who was a teacher. Tom dropped out of Harvard to pursue music and Rage Against the Machine was super successful. Not everyone is meant to be an engineer. Luckily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't want me to become an actor and kept talking to me about putting "eggs in other baskets" and how impossible it was, so I chased it behind their backs. It put a massive wedge in our relationship for years. I spent weekends in New York auditioning, had appearances on TV that they never knew about and would hear about from coworkers or friends. I never felt comfortable sharing any wins with them and definitely not any struggles, I was completely alone in this pursuit. I finally pivoted into producing/production development and I'm very happy here. Did I become a movie star? No, not even close. But my pursuit led me exactly where I was meant to be.

Aw, this is hard. Do you get that they were worried about you? For most people, acting is impossible and the rejection is soul-crushing. Indeed it didn't work out for you, but fortunately you were able to pivot to adjacent work and feel okay about it. How is your relationship with your parents now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get him guitar lessons and start looking into colleges with great schools of music.

He needs to do his homework to get into college.

Why does he have to go to college?

He should graduate high school, but if he really wants to pursue music, he doesn’t need a college degree.

Because he will need intense musical training to get anywhere. The people he'll be competing against will have studied music, with private lessons, since early childhood.

If he wants to be in a symphony orchestra but that’s not what he wants. Otherwise you’re wrong about that.

[Anonymous]

Have your son send his original compositions to his uncle for honest feedback

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't want me to become an actor and kept talking to me about putting "eggs in other baskets" and how impossible it was, so I chased it behind their backs. It put a massive wedge in our relationship for years. I spent weekends in New York auditioning, had appearances on TV that they never knew about and would hear about from coworkers or friends. I never felt comfortable sharing any wins with them and definitely not any struggles, I was completely alone in this pursuit. I finally pivoted into producing/production development and I'm very happy here. Did I become a movie star? No, not even close. But my pursuit led me exactly where I was meant to be.

So your parents weren't wrong about putting your eggs in other baskets and the long-shot nature of making it as an actor. It's great you were still able to pivot to another role in film/television, but they were right about placing all of your bets on becoming an actor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't want me to become an actor and kept talking to me about putting "eggs in other baskets" and how impossible it was, so I chased it behind their backs. It put a massive wedge in our relationship for years. I spent weekends in New York auditioning, had appearances on TV that they never knew about and would hear about from coworkers or friends. I never felt comfortable sharing any wins with them and definitely not any struggles, I was completely alone in this pursuit. I finally pivoted into producing/production development and I'm very happy here. Did I become a movie star? No, not even close. But my pursuit led me exactly where I was meant to be.

Aw, this is hard. Do you get that they were worried about you? For most people, acting is impossible and the rejection is soul-crushing. Indeed it didn't work out for you, but fortunately you were able to pivot to adjacent work and feel okay about it. How is your relationship with your parents now?

We're good now and I do know they were worried about me, but I also needed to see it through on my own. It being hard and "impossible" is all true, but I already knew that, even as a teen/young adult. So to not even have the belief from my own parents alienated them from me for a long time. My pivot to producing was also my call. I wanted more control and involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every single one? Prove it. I don’t care about professors. Show me interviews from Paul McCartney, Dave Grohl, James Hetfield, and Chad Smith. If every acclaimed musician has talked about it, as you say, you should be able to find it.

And how do you know I’m just fiddling? It’s really insulting that you think I don’t know how to effectively practice my instrument. I’m in multiple bands that gig regularly. I know how to practice.

Lastly, I ask again: Are you a professional or semi-professional musician?

Are you a nationally or internationally recognized musician? You practicing eight hours a day without achieving any acclaim is evidence that you have zero authority on the matter. Evidence based studies and internationally acclaimed musicians sway me more than random comments on an internet board.

This is a stupid comment. Just because I practice guitar eight hours a day for from the age of ten to the age of 25 does not mean that I am a better guitar player than John Mayer. There are lot of baseball prospects that practice eight hours everyday and they don't make it to the MLB. There are so many hard working musicians that don't succeed but you can be sure that those musicians will not succeed if they don't work hard. Working hard is the prerequisite to success but it does not guarantee success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't want me to become an actor and kept talking to me about putting "eggs in other baskets" and how impossible it was, so I chased it behind their backs. It put a massive wedge in our relationship for years. I spent weekends in New York auditioning, had appearances on TV that they never knew about and would hear about from coworkers or friends. I never felt comfortable sharing any wins with them and definitely not any struggles, I was completely alone in this pursuit. I finally pivoted into producing/production development and I'm very happy here. Did I become a movie star? No, not even close. But my pursuit led me exactly where I was meant to be.

So your parents weren't wrong about putting your eggs in other baskets and the long-shot nature of making it as an actor. It's great you were still able to pivot to another role in film/television, but they were right about placing all of your bets on becoming an actor.

It doesn't sound like her parents encouraged her to pursue acting at all. They straight up didn't even want her to try. It is very DCUM to read the above and have the takehome message be "so your parents were right."

Support your kids having interests. Recognize that they are different people than you and may want different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your son send his original compositions to his uncle for honest feedback

Uncle already decided he wants to stay out of the family conflict. There's no way he's going to be the harsh critic you think he can be and crush this kid's dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn't want me to become an actor and kept talking to me about putting "eggs in other baskets" and how impossible it was, so I chased it behind their backs. It put a massive wedge in our relationship for years. I spent weekends in New York auditioning, had appearances on TV that they never knew about and would hear about from coworkers or friends. I never felt comfortable sharing any wins with them and definitely not any struggles, I was completely alone in this pursuit. I finally pivoted into producing/production development and I'm very happy here. Did I become a movie star? No, not even close. But my pursuit led me exactly where I was meant to be.

So your parents weren't wrong about putting your eggs in other baskets and the long-shot nature of making it as an actor. It's great you were still able to pivot to another role in film/television, but they were right about placing all of your bets on becoming an actor.

This is sort of patronizing. I’m sure he knew it was almost impossible to become a movie star or actor. Most people don’t go into the arts with a “superstar or bust” mentality. We just want to make a living doing what we love. And that’s absolutely possible if you’re willing to be open-minded and a bit entrepreneurial.

[Anonymous]

There are good reasons to do decently well in high school. While many types of musicians don't need advanced training/college, it's generally way easier to adult if you have decent reading comprehension/writing skills and math skills. He'll still need to be able to understand contracts he's signing/commitments he's making, budgeting, etc. Not that high school often does a good job of teaching those skills, but better than not making it through. Doing decently well in high school also keeps his options open so he can go to college after high school if that's a path that he ends up needing or wanting, whether right away or after a few years of pursuing a musical career. Unlike what many on DCUM think, that doesn't have to be a top tier school, but it would be good to have a strong enough foundation so he could be successful at a branch state school or community college and then transfer.

I view a decent performance in high school as a minimum and that should be doable even with a large focus on music. After that, I think there's a lot of reason to let a kid pursue their interests. If you're doing it right now, you're helping the kid understand that there are tradeoffs in life and how to keep his lifestyle in line with his income. Maybe he is successful immediately in which case, great! Save for the future and go you. Or maybe he's like most and it takes a while/never happens in which case he needs a plan for his day/night job to pay the bills and lifestyle expectations that fit his income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are good reasons to do decently well in high school. While many types of musicians don't need advanced training/college, it's generally way easier to adult if you have decent reading comprehension/writing skills and math skills. He'll still need to be able to understand contracts he's signing/commitments he's making, budgeting, etc. Not that high school often does a good job of teaching those skills, but better than not making it through. Doing decently well in high school also keeps his options open so he can go to college after high school if that's a path that he ends up needing or wanting, whether right away or after a few years of pursuing a musical career. Unlike what many on DCUM think, that doesn't have to be a top tier school, but it would be good to have a strong enough foundation so he could be successful at a branch state school or community college and then transfer.

I view a decent performance in high school as a minimum and that should be doable even with a large focus on music. After that, I think there's a lot of reason to let a kid pursue their interests. If you're doing it right now, you're helping the kid understand that there are tradeoffs in life and how to keep his lifestyle in line with his income. Maybe he is successful immediately in which case, great! Save for the future and go you. Or maybe he's like most and it takes a while/never happens in which case he needs a plan for his day/night job to pay the bills and lifestyle expectations that fit his income.

I think this is reasonable.

My daughter is young, but loves singing, acting, painting … anything to do with the arts.

She’s told us she wants to be an artist. If that sticks, we’ll make sure she finishes high school and if she wants to go into visual arts, an MFA might help. Otherwise, we’ll make sure she understands that she almost certainly won’t make a lot of money, but that we will always be supportive of her.

I would never, ever quash my kid’s dreams.