My DS wants to be a musician. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Also, I don’t think OP ever said the kid has no musical training already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

Why is it too much? I agree he needs to do homework, but he’s passionate about it.

As someone who is a musician, if you took music away from me, I’d become intensely depressed.

Many musicians have said something along the lines of: we can’t live without playing music. It’s true.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you'll give him whatever he wants- guitar lessons, vocal lessons, guitars, whatever as long as he keeps up his schoolwork.
This is my daughter and ballet. She's announced several times she's wanted to drop out of school to become a ballerina, she's very advanced and while I hope she'll change her mind and goto college instead, that's what I want for her and may not be what she wants for herself. So she keeps her grades up, everything ballet is on the table from private lessons to summer intensives in far away places. This works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you'll give him whatever he wants- guitar lessons, vocal lessons, guitars, whatever as long as he keeps up his schoolwork.
This is my daughter and ballet. She's announced several times she's wanted to drop out of school to become a ballerina, she's very advanced and while I hope she'll change her mind and goto college instead, that's what I want for her and may not be what she wants for herself. So she keeps her grades up, everything ballet is on the table from private lessons to summer intensives in far away places. This works for us.

I like this idea. Tell him as long as he keeps, say, a 3.0 or whatever you think reflects his best effort, you’ll support him with equipment, lessons, driving him to see his favorite bands play, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

You don't threaten, you act. There will be no access to an instrument until he finishes homework. As for the rest of it I am afraid you have no choice in the matter. His life, his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

Why is it too much? I agree he needs to do homework, but he’s passionate about it.

As someone who is a musician, if you took music away from me, I’d become intensely depressed.

Many musicians have said something along the lines of: we can’t live without playing music. It’s true.

It's counterproductive, there is only so much your brain and body can absorb. Even the best musicians did not spend more than 4 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. I would be at my wit's end.

You're right about the odds not being in your DS's favor. But your control over him is limited. Let him know that graduating high school is a must and that if music is his desired path and passion and he wants to forego college, then he needs to do so on his own and prepare to independent versus how you might have supported him if he was studying. Because he can be a working musician and make his way at 18 if he's not in college, and really, having to sustain himself might give him the hunger and motivation he'll need to make it as a long shot.

You coddling him and paying for his housing and comfort as a young adult is a recipe for him to be a failed musician. The musicians that do make it do so against all odds and with their back against the wall and because they have something to lose if they don't make it. He needs to realize that arduous path is what he's signing up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 years old DS is no longer cared about school and it is creating so much tensions in the family between my wife and I. DS spent this past summer with my younger brother who is touring musician and he performed at many venues. DS has a completely different attitude after the summer and he says that school is no longer a priority for him. FWIW, my brother is doing very well for himself as a musician with a net worth of around 7M at the age of 39 (he generously let us live in one of his homes rent free, we only pay for utilities) and he dropped out of UCLA after two years. For the past month, DS spends very little time on homework and all of his time practicing the guitar and writing music. DS has made it clear that he wants to be a musician like his uncle. I've told DS that the odd of succeeding like his uncle is like winning the Powerball lottery which is slim to none but DS is not listening and my DW is very upset about this, and blames me for letting DS hang out with my brother in the summer. My brother doesn't want to get involved in my family internal dispute. WWYD? TIA

Until he graduates, he puts a priority on school. As long as he keeps that up, you'll support his music. Telling him "no" on the music is not going to work. . . If music doesn't pan out as he wants it to (don't say "fail"), you'll need a backup plan.

Then talk to your brother. Can he help him out? Nepotism is rampant in the entertainment industry so see if you can't get on that bandwagon to give the kid a leg up. Once he's graduated, he is going to do what he wants anyway. So give him the best chance you can.

[Anonymous]

He's 15. Dreams can change quickly so I wouldn't react too strongly at this point other than to support him. And I do think that they more you push back, the more he will become set on this path. Encourage him to understand that there are many ways to have a life in the music industry -- and many of them would benefit from a college degree. Encourage him to keep his options open by keeping his grades up.

FWIW, more and more kids are taking a gap year (or two) and/or coming to college at an older age. My own DC seriously considered taking a gap year to pursue an opportunity that very well might have ended up with college being put on hold permanently. I spent a lot of time last year worrying about my child taking this big risk, but also realizing that there's no point in strong-arming my child into starting college on time because if they didn't want to be there, they were never going to finish the degree. It took an incredible about of self-control on my part to let this be their decision, to offer my support either way and really help them think through the pros and cons of each option. They are now happily a freshman in college but I truly think that may not have happened if I had pushed it.

These high school years can be some of the hardest to parent because it requires some serious self-control to back off and let them become their own people with their own dreams.

[Anonymous]

Unless he's the second coming of Billie Eilish in terms of talent, he might find himself regretting neglecting his high school studies. There are a lot of guys with guitars out there. I assume OPs brother at least graduated from HS?

I have an aspiring musician DS who got a BM in classical performance, had a change of heart, and is now getting an M.M. in commercial music, mainly so he can make some connections in the city he chose. He plays classical, jazz, rock, bluegrass, basically everything and has been studying the instrument since he was 9 or 10. I wish he had a well connected relative in the business!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

You don't threaten, you act. There will be no access to an instrument until he finishes homework. As for the rest of it I am afraid you have no choice in the matter. His life, his choice.

This is not reasonable. And counterproductive. It will damage your relationship. Tell him he can practice as much as he wants so long as he finishes his work and keeps his grades at a level you agree on or demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

You don't threaten, you act. There will be no access to an instrument until he finishes homework. As for the rest of it I am afraid you have no choice in the matter. His life, his choice.

This is not reasonable. And counterproductive. It will damage your relationship. Tell him he can practice as much as he wants so long as he finishes his work and keeps his grades at a level you agree on or demand.

OP has already done this to no avail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

Why is it too much? I agree he needs to do homework, but he’s passionate about it.

As someone who is a musician, if you took music away from me, I’d become intensely depressed.

Many musicians have said something along the lines of: we can’t live without playing music. It’s true.

It's counterproductive, there is only so much your brain and body can absorb. Even the best musicians did not spend more than 4 hours a day.

And you know this how? Are you a musician who plays on a professional or semi-professional level? I can easily spend 6-8 hours a day playing music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

Why is it too much? I agree he needs to do homework, but he’s passionate about it.

As someone who is a musician, if you took music away from me, I’d become intensely depressed.

Many musicians have said something along the lines of: we can’t live without playing music. It’s true.

It's counterproductive, there is only so much your brain and body can absorb. Even the best musicians did not spend more than 4 hours a day.

And you know this how? Are you a musician who plays on a professional or semi-professional level? I can easily spend 6-8 hours a day playing music.

Not only are there hundreds of studies on this, but every single acclaimed professor and musician has talked about this. Now you can spend 8 hours fiddling with your instrument, but that's not deliberate practice, it's just entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He has been taking music lessons at the age of six but he is getting much more serious with music lessons after this summer. He used to practice one hour a day but now it is from 5pm until 11pm everyday and more like 8 hours on Saturday and Sunday. He literally drops homework and sports from the calendar. I am all for supporting him but this is too much. I can threaten to take away his phone and music lessons but he doesn't seem to care.

Why is it too much? I agree he needs to do homework, but he’s passionate about it.

As someone who is a musician, if you took music away from me, I’d become intensely depressed.

Many musicians have said something along the lines of: we can’t live without playing music. It’s true.

It's counterproductive, there is only so much your brain and body can absorb. Even the best musicians did not spend more than 4 hours a day.

And you know this how? Are you a musician who plays on a professional or semi-professional level? I can easily spend 6-8 hours a day playing music.

Not only are there hundreds of studies on this, but every single acclaimed professor and musician has talked about this. Now you can spend 8 hours fiddling with your instrument, but that's not deliberate practice, it's just entertainment.

Every single one? Prove it. I don’t care about professors. Show me interviews from Paul McCartney, Dave Grohl, James Hetfield, and Chad Smith. If every acclaimed musician has talked about it, as you say, you should be able to find it.

And how do you know I’m just fiddling? It’s really insulting that you think I don’t know how to effectively practice my instrument. I’m in multiple bands that gig regularly. I know how to practice.

Lastly, I ask again: Are you a professional or semi-professional musician?