Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

You can't get away from people in the DMV. That is what wore me down over time.

Every time I turned around, I bumped into someone.

Every time I wanted to go for a "quiet" walk, there were 50 people. Every time I wanted to take a drive, there were hundreds of cars. Every time I wanted to park in a space, there were 30 other cars looking for the same open parking space. Every time I wanted to go to an event, there was a long line.

Every time I wanted some peace and quiet in my townhome, I could hear my neighbor's television, the neighbor on the next balcony talking on their phone, dogs barking, a kid bouncing a ball up and down the sidewalk, a baby screaming, a car honking, a subwoofer blaring, a motorcycle revving, aircraft passing overhead, helicopters whirring, ambulances racing, police cars chasing...

It never stopped.

Then we moved out of the area. The first thing I said that first night was "it's so quiet here."

And I could finally relax, and sleep through the night.

[Anonymous]

I doubt his job will stay remote.
It will end and then he'll be out of a job, stuck in the middle of nowhere.
He can move, and if in 5 years his job is still remote, you'll move to him.

[Anonymous]

You should buy a house near Afton, Shenandoah, or WV. Go there on long weekends and he goes there alone some times.

You are right to worry about divorce. I have a a friend whose husband moved her to Nebraska to be near his family and she knows no one - he still left her less than a year later. And she is stuck because she can’t take her daughter hundreds of miles away from her dad where she has economic and emotional support.

[Anonymous]

What kind of work/career would you have if you would move?
I am the spouse who would like to move, and it would go a long way for me feeling happier in my marriage if my spouse would at least engage in a job search somewhere that was more appealing for me to live.
If there really is nothing, then there is nothing.
But you don’t know what’s out there until you look around and go to a couple of interviews.

[Anonymous]

Can you spend some time visiting some exurbs on the weekends? Maybe he’ll be more open to it as a compromise once he’s explored them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely ridiculous that people are suggesting he needs therapy or is having an affair because he doesn't want to live in DC some bod you really need to get your head out of your rear ends.

Op you've been given good suggestions.
A second home/ cabin that you spend most weekends at and s month in the summer. Your kid doesn't need to attend every birthday party or be enrolled in every sport/ activity.

Consider a move to a suburb of DC with a reasonable commute for you that still gives access to good schools etc but has a more rural feel.

Consider a rural retirement

You shouldn't give up your job. But you both need to compromise here. A compromise here will likely be much easier than sorting out schedules post divorce.

He isn't in DC though, they are in NVa, which is a suburban hellscape. I would suggest looking at areas around Rock Creek Park (like Chevy Chase DC) or Palisades/Clen Echo where you are literally right by hiking and biking trails. Best of both worlds in the medium term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you spend some time visiting some exurbs on the weekends? Maybe he’ll be more open to it as a compromise once he’s explored them.

I agree this is a good idea.

One thing I see in this thread is people who are treating the DMV as a monolith when it's very much not. There's a lot of diversity of setting. Some things, like traffic and to some extent the sorts of people who live here, are fairly consistent. But like the post from the person who hated being around so many people -- move to a less dense part of the region. It's not like you are required to live in a row home or townhouse here. Even on a smaller budget, you could move to Frederick or parts of Howard County or Front Royal or Southern Maryland, that are still commutable to the city but not dense at all. There is a ton of nature here. There are places with a small town feel. And so on.

I think one thing people do is dismiss places they've never been because they've heard one negative thing and assume it sucks. But there are negative things about EVERYWHERE including the rural places far away from here that OP's DH wants to move to. People in the DMV are competitive and can be highly critical, so of course you've heard some negative thing about each and every part of this region, including the one you currently live in. You just have to find the place where the negative thing doesn't bother you that much. Like people say Takoma Park is too progressive/crunchy, but that's perfect for progressive/crunchy people. There are areas further out that are too conservative for some people, but are just right for others. There may very well be a spot for you guys, you just haven't found it yet.

I do think that living in DC proper when you don't want to be in an urban area is probably the worst possible choice. I think your DH needs to be more open minded about the region because there are huge advantages to you staying in your job (including your happiness, but also financial reasons). But I think you might need to let go of the idea that you guys can't possibly give up your low mortgage rate. If you own in DC, you can sell at a premium now and have some money to spend, especially in exurbs. A 5-6% interest rate with a sizable down payment is really not some travesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is laughable. I moved in 2020 to a more rural idyllic area from a HCOL area and our lives are superior in every way. Higher salary, lower COL, nicer housing that is appreciating faster, LESS commute (almost none really), no traffic, everything we want to do without all the garbage to org Theo GI h and filter out to do it; higher quality of just about everything including food; nicer more interesting people, better community, better health.

Reading the posts here is like being the only prisoner on death row who went free and hearing all the other prisoners gripe as you walk past them on your way out.

This is incredibly unhelpful because it doesn't sound like "higher salary in an idyllic rural area" is something that is on OP's list of options.
People looking for specialized jobs don't have the same level of freedom as remote workers, you move where the job is. (I'm with Department of Interior and you can definitely live interesting places, but you don't control what jobs open in which places, and it is actually really tough on families.)

Also, I'm from a rural area and all those things you list being better are definitely not better in *every* rural area. I wouldn't say that where i grew up there were "nicer more interesting people" (people are kinda the same everywhere), and I don't want my kids to grow up in a place with zero diversity like I did.

[Anonymous]

I would be very concerned about schools in this rural area he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't get away from people in the DMV. That is what wore me down over time.

Every time I turned around, I bumped into someone.

Every time I wanted to go for a "quiet" walk, there were 50 people. Every time I wanted to take a drive, there were hundreds of cars. Every time I wanted to park in a space, there were 30 other cars looking for the same open parking space. Every time I wanted to go to an event, there was a long line.

Every time I wanted some peace and quiet in my townhome, I could hear my neighbor's television, the neighbor on the next balcony talking on their phone, dogs barking, a kid bouncing a ball up and down the sidewalk, a baby screaming, a car honking, a subwoofer blaring, a motorcycle revving, aircraft passing overhead, helicopters whirring, ambulances racing, police cars chasing...

It never stopped.

Then we moved out of the area. The first thing I said that first night was "it's so quiet here."

And I could finally relax, and sleep through the night.

Wow, I live in DC proper and this is not my experience at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is wrong of your husband to say all of this now.

Unless his income is enough where he can support you + your child fully, then he has no right to lay all of this on you.

He doesn’t even seem happy w/a compromise now, if he says that even weekends & vacations would still not be enough.

To expect you to just give up your job and relocate just because he has decided that he wants to live in a rural only environment is wholly unfair to you.

He needs to understand that w/a young child - it is not always possible to get everything we desire in life, WHEN we desire it.

Realistically, he may have to wait to move to where he wants to live.

Such is life as both a spouse as well as a parent.
He signed up for both.

JFC you really don’t think he has a right to tell his wife how he feels? And you don’t think he has a right to want a different lifestyle for his own child?

No wonder there are so many crappy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt his job will stay remote.
It will end and then he'll be out of a job, stuck in the middle of nowhere.
He can move, and if in 5 years his job is still remote, you'll move to him.

Prize moron right here.

[Anonymous]

The people here dismissing his proposal out of hand are clearly very sheltered and biased against rural areas. Well, they have A LOT to recommend them. A lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that rural areas can be great--beautiful nature, acceptable schools (it's not like DCPS is awesome), and commutes can actually be shorter. Right now, we fight traffic to take my kid to swimming class and it's a slog to go 2 miles. If I could wave a wand and suddenly be in a more beautiful environment with my current job, I think I'd do it. It's just the idea of giving up my job, selling our house, leaving all friends, etc., that makes me hesitate. I like nature too....but the job, mortgage rate, etc. are keeping me (and also my husband and kid) here.

For what it's worth, my husband isn't being petulant about this. He gets that my job is important to me and feels stuck--he wants me to have a job I love, but, after a decade in DC, he REALLY doesn't want to live in or raise our kid in DC for the next 10-ish years. Ugh.

Would something like moving to Fairfax Station be a compromise? We have friends there and it feels like we’re in the middle of nowhere when we visit, but it’s 15 minutes outside the beltway.

I live in Fairfax Station and honestly, it really doesn’t feel rural. Parts of it are trial if you can afford a 5 acre lot, but a lot of it is very suburban and not rural and it does not feel like you are escaping DC at all. I grew up in a rural area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would be best for your child, though? Would your child have as many opportunities in these rural areas as they do here?

This. I would not move my ES kid to a rural environment. They’ll be lonely and you'll have to drive them everywhere. DH needs to grow up.

This is crap. I don’t think OP should move but I grew up in a rural area and my childhood was superior in almost every way than living here. I am driving kids everywhere here too…but in stressful traffic.