Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

It’s really a non-starter to ask someone to give up a stable career that provides a good income, benefits and retirement. See afinacial advisor so he can get a reality check.

And tell him you are unwilling to make this sort of change to your career and earning power without an clear plan to contribute equally to his and your separate retirement accounts, a budget that includes equal independent spending money, a explicit plan for contributing equally to parenting and housework, and a enforceable post-nuptial agreement that compensates you in terms of lost income and career opportunity, access to healthcare, other marital equity, and equal retirement if you end up divorcing. See a lawyer to make sure you are appropriately compensated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is ridiculous.

90% of people live where they live because of jobs, especially in DC.

It’s great he grew up rural, but places like Maine have pretty poor schools, and most rural places have gotten much more meth-apocalypse since he was a kid. There maybe a WFH repopulation of nice vacation rural places, but there have been 20 year’s migration to urban centers leading up to that.

Your job sounds amazing!? A month a year remote? And lots of PTO? are you hiring?!

It’s great your DH is remote. What is his career — could he be laid off and finding a local job in a city is far easier than only remote jobs for most fields.

Maybe if he can boost his career and income, build a huge nest egg, pay for college, and you RETIRE. He can keep working, and have money to cover his eventual job search or move back, but that’s hard to pull off.

We looked at moving back to the small town where I grew up and all I can say is Thomas Wolfe was right. The downtown is gutted. The only 'vibrant' shops are centered around an interstate exit and homes are cheap because everyone who can get out has gotten out

[Anonymous]

Be ready for him to divorce you once you move and then you will be stuck there because your kid will be there.

[Anonymous]

Assuming you met and married in DC. Had he ever given an indication of wanting this? Did you think he meant in retiremen,.not while kids were young? Granted the cost of living may be lower there, but how does he propose to make up for your income, retirement savings, college savings, etc?

I'm thinking he's depressed and miserable about something. It could be the marriage or just the daily grind of work and kids. When he goes on vacation to remote places he forgets his problems and is happy. So he thinks if only he could move then he would be happy all the time! Except if that becomes his home, all of his problems from work and how will follow. Then you will have given up a whole lot for him to still be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not assume that schools are just as good whatever rural area you move to.

Can you look into some place that has like a real economy where you can maybe find equivalent work that is more in nature? Someplace like Boulder, CO if you can swing it financially. It’s in the mountains. You can easily go on hikes every day of the week. Or maybe someplace in Montana.

Some rural areas have great schools. For example Vermont.

[Anonymous]

Do you work on the hill? The inflexibility of the job with regard to remote work and skills that don’t easily transfer to a rural area makes it seem plausible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you work on the hill? The inflexibility of the job with regard to remote work and skills that don’t easily transfer to a rural area makes it seem plausible.

She works remotely for an entire month every year. That doesn’t seem “inflexible” to me at all.

[Anonymous]

Just agree to move to a rural place when you retire. This sounds like a mid life crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not assume that schools are just as good whatever rural area you move to.

Can you look into some place that has like a real economy where you can maybe find equivalent work that is more in nature? Someplace like Boulder, CO if you can swing it financially. It’s in the mountains. You can easily go on hikes every day of the week. Or maybe someplace in Montana.

Some rural areas have great schools. For example Vermont.

Ha, no. My DH is in the same situation as OPs. He's from Vermont and the schools suck. THe drug use and frankly sleeping around is out of control, for all ages. We met in DC (again, not OP) and he never gave any idea to me that he wanted this. He wanted the West Coast for awhile but my career here was taking off and his job was "cool" so we stayed.

Suddenly, he wants to move to New England has said it has "always" been his dream. Nope. He only got this dream about 3 years ago. If we got a place there, or a cabin in New England. I'd say here, he'd go there all the time without the kids leaving me alone and our marriage would be over. It's a weird and tough place and a marital dispute that I didn't see coming. At least he's not dating an intern!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming you met and married in DC. Had he ever given an indication of wanting this? Did you think he meant in retiremen,.not while kids were young? Granted the cost of living may be lower there, but how does he propose to make up for your income, retirement savings, college savings, etc?

I'm thinking he's depressed and miserable about something. It could be the marriage or just the daily grind of work and kids. When he goes on vacation to remote places he forgets his problems and is happy. So he thinks if only he could move then he would be happy all the time! Except if that becomes his home, all of his problems from work and how will follow. Then you will have given up a whole lot for him to still be miserable.

+1. He’s experiencing the trapped feeling that many of us feel when we realize that our lives are no longer autonomous and are in service to our families and children. If you relocate, he’ll be depressed at his laptop doing his job that he probably finds dull in another location. He won’t be fly fishing at 10 am or relaxing by a firepit at 7 pm- he’ll be working or driving a kid home from soccer. Except soccer will be an hour away on a dark, narrow road.

How did you DH end up in northern VA anyway? Unless you moved to his rural town, met him, and dragged him there, where you live now is kind of on him and he needs to take some ownership. He can go wherever he wants when he retires, but not now unless he can cover both of your salaries with his sad little basement job.

[Anonymous]

What are your relative salaries? How would it work financially if you can’t find equivalent work? The cost of living in these places is generally lower for a higher quality of life so you might find you can down shift with no hit to your lifestyle. I’d at least consider it.

[Anonymous]

I think school can be sometimes better in more rural areas and it definitely is easier to write a good essay about yourself, for self motivated kids its probably a better option. However if your kids fall under peer pressure and want to "fit " in like my kids, if they are around slackers then this area with other high achieving kids is better for them.

[Anonymous]

Please do not quit your job or agree to move. Agree to saving for a cabin somewhere. He and kid can spend the whole summer and most vacations there is he wants. You can do your one month of remote work and other vacations.

Do not quit your job.

[Anonymous]

From the OP:
"To make this move, I would have to give up my current career and try to find something totally new to do, likely taking a pay cut and giving up the flexibility, autonomy and seniority that I enjoy in my current job. I care deeply about my job and my seniority affords me lots of flexibility (e.g. I work remotely for a month each summer, so we spend that whole month in nature, plus I have plenty of vacation time)."

Nope, I would not consider for a moment moving from this unicorn of a job, Not a chance.

There needs to be a compromise that doesn't involve giving up your happiness and security.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the recent desire to relocate may be a symptom of an issue which is not fully obvious. If dissatisfaction with something in his life is resulting in this as a response, relocating/running away/ a change of scenery may not be the only suitable or appropriate response to the underlying issues. Someone else mentioned mid-life crisis, and that may be on target.

Counseling/therapy for him, and maybe jointly, might be helpful.