Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here
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Anonymous
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My husband grew up in a rural environment and really loves nature, mountains, lakes and outdoor activities. I enjoy all of those things too, and together, we've planned all of our vacations around nature, good views, and outdoor activities. For me, this is a great balance--living in a city, but spending all vacations and leisure time in nature. As we near middle age, my husband now realizes that he wants his every day life, not just his vacations, in a more natural, less urban environment (think rural Vermont or Maine). His job is totally remote, so moving would have no impact on his career. My job is in person in DC. We have one kid in early elementary school.
For me, the main obstacles to moving are: --I have a senior position at a job that I love in DC. It's not a job that exists in a remote environment. To make this move, I would have to give up my current career and try to find something totally new to do, likely taking a pay cut and giving up the flexibility, autonomy and seniority that I enjoy in my current job. I care deeply about my job and my seniority affords me lots of flexibility (e.g. I work remotely for a month each summer, so we spend that whole month in nature, plus I have plenty of vacation time). --Our marriage has been a little rocky lately (in part because of this issue) and I worry that I'll move to his preferred location and then we'll divorce and I'll be stuck in a location that is not ideal for me (sort of how he feels now!). --We have a 2.75% interest rate on our current mortgage. It feels like a bad time to sell our home. We have a kid in early elementary school, so I feel like, if we are going to make a change, we should do it sooner, rather than later. Moving to a nearby suburb/exburb so that I can keep my job and he can have some nature feels like a unsatisfactory compromise to him; if we're going to live near DC, we both feel like living *in* DC, keeping our low interest rate, and living the urban life makes sense for now. But he really wants to pick up and start a new life somewhere totally different. I'm struggling because I don't want to crush his dream or end up with him resenting me and on the other hand I really, really don't want to give up my job (or end up resenting him). The decision is on my plate--he's clear that he wants to move, but he understands that I don't want to give up my job and that he may end up spending the next 10-15 years in an environment that he no longer enjoys. He's significantly sad about that. What do you do when your life goals (or goals for this phase of life) are suddenly totally different? How would you handle this? I really don't want to be responsible for trapping a person I love in an environment he hates....but I also really don't want to quit my job! I know therapy is going to be the answer many give, but I'm also just interested in how other couples deal with these types of "there-is-no-good-compromise" life decisions? |
Anonymous
| He's totally remote and you are remote for a month every summer. Buy a cabin in the mountains and work there for a month every summer. If that isn't enough for him, then you aren't compatible. I don't know what job you have, but if it doesn't exist in rural America and isn't transferable at all, you may find yourself being a bookkeeper or admin. |
Anonymous
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Wow, OP. I'm in the exact same position, down to having a somewhat rocky marriage because of this. A big difference is we already live in the DC suburbs, and it's not a compromise for DH because he hates Northern Virginia.
Our kids are mid and early elementary. I don't want to move back further north, I can't handle the long winters anymore. It's challenging, and I really don't know what to do. I find myself growing increasingly depressed about my whole life because I don't have a husband who can appreciate what he has. |
Anonymous
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I think it’s ridiculous to ask you to give up your entire career (which sounds perfect for you and your family life). He doesn’t have to give up anything to move. I agree with you that having all your vacations and your one month of remote work in a rural place is a good compromise.
You could also consider a vacation home in rural Va or WV and he could spend more time there. |
Anonymous
| I was going to suggest something similar to PP - buy a small cabin as a second home somewhere close enough to travel on weekends that feels really remote - Shenandoah or West Virginia. Spend as much time there as possible, weekends and breaks, and maybe he spends every other week there alone. |
Anonymous
That sounds like a really good idea, if it's in the budget - and if WV or someplace like that will scratch your husband's itch. I'll say it is really hard living in a place that just feels wrong - just like it's hard being in a career that just feels wrong. It's like you're not living your real life. It gets harder to act on those feelings as you get older and you have more ties and commitments, though. Your choices sure affect more people, then. I hope you and your husband can figure this out together. |
Anonymous
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Ugh, I don't know the answer but am in a similar boat only I'm your husband, and our timelines I more like 5-6 years rather than 10-15. It still sucks.
A central issue for me as the person on the other side is: how do I make this situation that is not what I would choose and does not feel right to me work? Just sucking it up feels untenable. I've been trying to figure out how we might adjust our current situation so it's not such a slog. Therapy? Annual vacations to the sort of place that makes me happy? A move to that "compromise" place in the burbs? All of the above? None of the above and something I haven't thought of. It's really hard to live someplace that just does not feel right to you and to know you can't leave for a long time. |
Anonymous
Different PP, but we already have a second home in WV. DH enjoys it there, but do you know how difficult it is to spend every weekend at a vacation home once children are school aged. Tomorrow alone we have two soccer games, a birthday party and a scout event. We can go at times, but it’s impossible to spend every weekend out there without sacrificing your children’s ability to make meaningful connections at home. |
Anonymous
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OP here. We've discussed the remote cabin option but it's still really, really not what he wants. He gets that it may be the compromise we end up with, but he's clear that what he truly wants is a move so that his every day life is out of the city. Paying and maintaining a second house around here doesn't sound very appealing, especially as our kid enters the phase of local activities and birthday parties on weekends. He's not trying to be difficult, but his honest opinion (and I agree) is that a second home near here will not scratch this itch and may be more stressful than helpful.
If we stay in DC, we'll use all vacations and the summer month to go to his ideal locations (and they're my ideal vacation spots too)...but it'll still feel like a pretty big loss to him. Basically, if we stay here, he loses the opportunity to put down roots and live life in an area that he loves....and if we move, I lose the opportunity to have a career I love. Ugh. |
Anonymous
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how much does he earn
How much do you earn? Let’s be honest, unless you are a real mover or shaker (which is roughly only 500-1000 people in this town) no one cares about their career when they are dying |
Anonymous
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Your DH is ridiculous.
90% of people live where they live because of jobs, especially in DC. It’s great he grew up rural, but places like Maine have pretty poor schools, and most rural places have gotten much more meth-apocalypse since he was a kid. There maybe a WFH repopulation of nice vacation rural places, but there have been 20 year’s migration to urban centers leading up to that. Your job sounds amazing!? A month a year remote? And lots of PTO? are you hiring?! It’s great your DH is remote. What is his career — could he be laid off and finding a local job in a city is far easier than only remote jobs for most fields. Maybe if he can boost his career and income, build a huge nest egg, pay for college, and you RETIRE. He can keep working, and have money to cover his eventual job search or move back, but that’s hard to pull off. |
Anonymous
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I would not assume that schools are just as good whatever rural area you move to.
Can you look into some place that has like a real economy where you can maybe find equivalent work that is more in nature? Someplace like Boulder, CO if you can swing it financially. It’s in the mountains. You can easily go on hikes every day of the week. Or maybe someplace in Montana. |
Anonymous
Sure? She can quit if he makes enough that she doesn’t have to work in new home AND cover college costs AND retirement. |
Anonymous
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What about lifestyle for your kid? One thing keeping us here instead of moving somewhere more rural is the opportunities our kids have in a city that aren’t available elsewhere - diversity of people, not having to drive everywhere, access to museums, art, culture. Our kids are still young but it is kind of amazing when my 4 year old says he wants to see dinosaur bones to be able to say, let’s go this weekend!
There’s also nothing like taking our kids out in nature and letting them run free outside for days. But if we lived there, that would not be their life. They’d be in the car or the bus 30 minutes to school each way, long drives to friends houses and activities. Maybe since your DH grew up that way he’s okay with having your kid grow up that way, but it’s not a way of life I want for my kid. So we live in the city and vacation in nature and count the years until retirement (when likely we’ll still stay in the city for access to medical care. Did you read the thread on here about medical care in Maine in the off season? Kind of scary). |
Anonymous
| What would be best for your child, though? Would your child have as many opportunities in these rural areas as they do here? |