Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is not a natural paradise, what foolishness is this. It's fine to say you don't think OP should leave her job to move somewhere else, but pretending DC is the idea location for someone who wants a rural environment is comical. Yes there are lots of outdoor things to do here. But it's very different than other places that are more rural.

If you really think there is no other city with as much or as good access to nature as DC, I honestly feel bad for you.

the point of bring that up is that someone who is actually outdoorsy can find plenty to do in DC. Or take regular vacations - they can even go a whole month in the summer. but the DH rejects all of those compromises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in a rural environment and really loves nature, mountains, lakes and outdoor activities. I enjoy all of those things too, and together, we've planned all of our vacations around nature, good views, and outdoor activities. For me, this is a great balance--living in a city, but spending all vacations and leisure time in nature. As we near middle age, my husband now realizes that he wants his every day life, not just his vacations, in a more natural, less urban environment (think rural Vermont or Maine). His job is totally remote, so moving would have no impact on his career. My job is in person in DC. We have one kid in early elementary school.

For me, the main obstacles to moving are:

--I have a senior position at a job that I love in DC. It's not a job that exists in a remote environment. To make this move, I would have to give up my current career and try to find something totally new to do, likely taking a pay cut and giving up the flexibility, autonomy and seniority that I enjoy in my current job. I care deeply about my job and my seniority affords me lots of flexibility (e.g. I work remotely for a month each summer, so we spend that whole month in nature, plus I have plenty of vacation time).

--Our marriage has been a little rocky lately (in part because of this issue) and I worry that I'll move to his preferred location and then we'll divorce and I'll be stuck in a location that is not ideal for me (sort of how he feels now!).

--We have a 2.75% interest rate on our current mortgage. It feels like a bad time to sell our home.

We have a kid in early elementary school, so I feel like, if we are going to make a change, we should do it sooner, rather than later. Moving to a nearby suburb/exburb so that I can keep my job and he can have some nature feels like a unsatisfactory compromise to him; if we're going to live near DC, we both feel like living *in* DC, keeping our low interest rate, and living the urban life makes sense for now. But he really wants to pick up and start a new life somewhere totally different. I'm struggling because I don't want to crush his dream or end up with him resenting me and on the other hand I really, really don't want to give up my job (or end up resenting him). The decision is on my plate--he's clear that he wants to move, but he understands that I don't want to give up my job and that he may end up spending the next 10-15 years in an environment that he no longer enjoys. He's significantly sad about that.

What do you do when your life goals (or goals for this phase of life) are suddenly totally different? How would you handle this? I really don't want to be responsible for trapping a person I love in an environment he hates....but I also really don't want to quit my job! I know therapy is going to be the answer many give, but I'm also just interested in how other couples deal with these types of "there-is-no-good-compromise" life decisions?

I just re-read the original post. In all of the arguing over hypothetical scenarios I think the thoughtfulness and love in OP’s post has been lost. From her post it sounds like both she and her DH are reasonable people who care about each other.

Honestly OP I think the best compromise is that he agrees to stay in DC until your kid finishes school, or a timeline based on getting retirement benefits if that’s a concern, but you agree to then retire to the place of his choosing. It’s not ideal but there really isn’t an ideal solution in a situation like this.

+1, people have really jumped the shark in this thread and are arguing over completely made up scenarios where the OP is running a lab at NIH and her DH is some kind of neanderthal who is demanding she leave her job curing cancer to go teach middle school science in Podunk, USA so that he can go fishing after work. It's silly.

I am in the same situation as OP's DH (I'm a woman). I am full time remote, I haven't felt good in the DC area in about 8 years, and it ramped up a lot after having kids and just realizing this is not what I envisioned for our family at this stage. DH is very tied to his job in this area and it's not portable, but does have some flexibility.

Our compromise is that we are staying in DC and I'm making it work until DH's pension vests, and then we are leaving and so kids can do MS and HS somewhere else, we can live somewhere a little less urban and with less of a Type A culture. We've already put together our top 5 list of destinations, and the top one is actually DH's favorite of the group, not mine, because it's close to his family (but still checks a lot of my boxes).

Rational couples have these debates and come up with solutions. The people in this thread who are digging in their heels and making it all sound black and white are going to have trouble when they inevitable hit a point in their marriage where no one is right and no one is wrong, but feelings are strong and compromise must be struck.

18 pages to get to a rational response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike.

You're insane. I'm a nature / national park lover, and skier/mountain biker. There is nothing here. Nothing.

There are certainly worse places, like Houston or Dallas, for nature people, but DC isn't even in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities.

Walking around in some trees is not what I care for.

[Anonymous]

What give me pause is OP stating that her marriage is rocky - in part because of the current situation. These seems far more complex - like is it really DH's depression that he is attributing to OP? Because that is a dynamic that needs to be looked at resolved between them.

[Anonymous]

If this person is a virology researcher at NIH she isn’t going to be doing that in Vermont - if ever, it won’t be at the same level. Name a research or drug company that focuses on her specialty, that she dedicated her life to researching, in rural America. Sure she can maybe adjunct and run a lab at UVM but that is NOT the same. You’ll hate your husband for taking away your career. Do not do this. Buy a 2nd home cabin in rural DMV and let your husband be there as much as he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you spend some time visiting some exurbs on the weekends? Maybe he’ll be more open to it as a compromise once he’s explored them.

+1 we saw a lot of nature, hiking, etc. when we lived out in Herndon/Reston.

Leesburg is gorgeous and may be a compromise. Still in the DMV but closer to nature.

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer your original question... we have a significant age difference and that helps a lot. So while I have downshifted my career at times to be in different locations for his job, it didn't matter that much because I was still young and junior. By the time I am senior, he will be retired. So there will be no competitiveness between us for where to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike.

You're insane. I'm a nature / national park lover, and skier/mountain biker. There is nothing here. Nothing.

There are certainly worse places, like Houston or Dallas, for nature people, but DC isn't even in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities.

Walking around in some trees is not what I care for.

What?! LOL, no. DC ranks pretty high and in the second linked article is #1. If you can't find an outdoor activity you like in this entire area then the problem is you.

https://www.niche.com/places-to-live/search/best-outdoors-cities/
https://www.commercialsearch.com/blog/best-ci...outdoor-enthusiasts/
https://www.rei.com/blog/news/new-analysis-re...cess-to-the-outdoors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this person is a virology researcher at NIH she isn’t going to be doing that in Vermont - if ever, it won’t be at the same level. Name a research or drug company that focuses on her specialty, that she dedicated her life to researching, in rural America. Sure she can maybe adjunct and run a lab at UVM but that is NOT the same. You’ll hate your husband for taking away your career. Do not do this. Buy a 2nd home cabin in rural DMV and let your husband be there as much as he needs.

Or buy a primary home in rural DMV and rent an apartment near her work, and she can work as much as she needs.

[Anonymous]

Lees burg the town is cute but it is all exurban sprawl around there. Haymarket and Gainesville are cheap houses close together despite being so far out. I agree with the person who said a true hiker skier outdoorsy type won’t find much in the general dmv.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this person is a virology researcher at NIH she isn’t going to be doing that in Vermont - if ever, it won’t be at the same level. Name a research or drug company that focuses on her specialty, that she dedicated her life to researching, in rural America. Sure she can maybe adjunct and run a lab at UVM but that is NOT the same. You’ll hate your husband for taking away your career. Do not do this. Buy a 2nd home cabin in rural DMV and let your husband be there as much as he needs.

Ok. If she is a virology researcher at the NIH, then her husband is being a d!ck asking her to move.
I kind of doubt that’s what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you spend some time visiting some exurbs on the weekends? Maybe he’ll be more open to it as a compromise once he’s explored them.

+1 we saw a lot of nature, hiking, etc. when we lived out in Herndon/Reston.

Leesburg is gorgeous and may be a compromise. Still in the DMV but closer to nature.

Reston and Leesburg?? Maybe 10 years ago. The pace of development out there is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike. :)

You're insane. I'm a nature / national park lover, and skier/mountain biker. There is nothing here. Nothing.

There are certainly worse places, like Houston or Dallas, for nature people, but DC isn't even in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities.

Walking around in some trees is not what I care for.

What?! LOL, no. DC ranks pretty high and in the second linked article is #1. If you can't find an outdoor activity you like in this entire area then the problem is you.

https://www.niche.com/places-to-live/search/best-outdoors-cities/
https://www.commercialsearch.com/blog/best-ci...outdoor-enthusiasts/
https://www.rei.com/blog/news/new-analysis-re...cess-to-the-outdoors

NYC is on that last list?? This is literally just a list for every US city anyone's ever heard of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike. :)

You're insane. I'm a nature / national park lover, and skier/mountain biker. There is nothing here. Nothing.

There are certainly worse places, like Houston or Dallas, for nature people, but DC isn't even in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities.

Walking around in some trees is not what I care for.

What?! LOL, no. DC ranks pretty high and in the second linked article is #1. If you can't find an outdoor activity you like in this entire area then the problem is you.

https://www.niche.com/places-to-live/search/best-outdoors-cities/
https://www.commercialsearch.com/blog/best-ci...outdoor-enthusiasts/
https://www.rei.com/blog/news/new-analysis-re...cess-to-the-outdoors

NYC is on that last list?? This is literally just a list for every US city anyone's ever heard of.

But DC is on a LIST! On the INTERNET! That proves it’s practically Yellowstone!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike. :)

You're insane. I'm a nature / national park lover, and skier/mountain biker. There is nothing here. Nothing.

There are certainly worse places, like Houston or Dallas, for nature people, but DC isn't even in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities.

Walking around in some trees is not what I care for.

What?! LOL, no. DC ranks pretty high and in the second linked article is #1. If you can't find an outdoor activity you like in this entire area then the problem is you.

https://www.niche.com/places-to-live/search/best-outdoors-cities/
https://www.commercialsearch.com/blog/best-ci...outdoor-enthusiasts/
https://www.rei.com/blog/news/new-analysis-re...cess-to-the-outdoors

NYC is on that last list?? This is literally just a list for every US city anyone's ever heard of.

But DC is on a LIST! On the INTERNET! That proves it’s practically Yellowstone!!

It's on three, but who's counting. Maybe you want to refer back to the original assertion that DC isn't in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities that was posted with no source at all.

OP seems to have wisely moved on from this thread. Sadly, she has missed out on her made up career as a virology researcher at NIH. Too bad. Sounds like a cool job.