Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

There are few fields where remote work is a given. What happens if he loses his job? What happens if his company wants them to start coming in 2xs a week? This is happening more and more. How will he get a new job in this new remote location.

If your job was fully remote, would you really want to move to his ideal location? Or would you still prefer where you are now?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you certain there is not somewhere in the DMV your DH would be happy? Have you looked at the Severna Park area? Good schools, feels very far out (like not like a suburb, more like a small rural town) but is not a totally unreasonable commute into DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think school can be sometimes better in more rural areas and it definitely is easier to write a good essay about yourself, for self motivated kids its probably a better option. However if your kids fall under peer pressure and want to "fit " in like my kids, if they are around slackers then this area with other high achieving kids is better for them.

Rural schools tend to fall into one of two categories. Either large schools with enormous catchments (this was my school) that has lots of opportunities by may also be a ridiculous bus ride away or smaller more local school with no real differentiation at any level

[Anonymous]

I think your husband needs therapy. He sounds depressed, and moving isn’t going to solve that issue. It is very clear that staying where you are makes the most sense - your career, low mortgage rate, opportunities for your kid. There’s really no question that staying is the right decision. But he is bummed because it isn’t what he wants. It is fine to be disappointed, but he needs to be able to work thru these feelings without resenting you! He is acting like a petulant child who is pouting because they want to eat ice cream all day in front of the TV instead of going to school. Lots of people would love to live out in the wilderness and get to hike and fish all the time. But it isn’t the reality because jobs tend to be near cities, along with better schools and a better lifestyle for kids.

Is he having an affair? I think there’s definitely something more going on for him to not understand the logic here.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both feel this way, but we both couldn't find jobs in the same area up north because we are both specialized scientists in different fields. Our compromise is living in an exurb where he was able to find a local job, and I have the crushing DC commute. We are closer to nature but I now spend more time in the car getting to work than we ever did driving places on weekends.

It suuuucks! I'm super jealous of our dual remote friends who moved to beautiful places! But what can you and I do except be open to other job opportunities? I'm constantly applying for stuff a little closer than DC, because for me reducing the commute would make a big difference, and I think two jobs in our fields in a more rural area is just a nonexistent unicorn. You could ask your husband to look for stuff for you to apply to where you want to live, see if HE can find anything equivalent (maybe not!), and put the onus on him of helping make it work.

[Anonymous]

It's absolutely ridiculous that people are suggesting he needs therapy or is having an affair because he doesn't want to live in DC some bod you really need to get your head out of your rear ends.

Op you've been given good suggestions.
A second home/ cabin that you spend most weekends at and s month in the summer. Your kid doesn't need to attend every birthday party or be enrolled in every sport/ activity.

Consider a move to a suburb of DC with a reasonable commute for you that still gives access to good schools etc but has a more rural feel.

Consider a rural retirement

You shouldn't give up your job. But you both need to compromise here. A compromise here will likely be much easier than sorting out schedules post divorce.

[Anonymous]

Do not leave this area if you think divorce is a possibility. For exactly the reason you stated.

I’m the stuck spouse in this scenario but I’m not thinking of divorce. I’ve just made my sad peace with my dated 1992 colonial on a postage stamp lot surrounded by hyper competitive people. I’ve basically become a hermit.

[Anonymous]

Two things: one, sounds like what he wants would be an excellent situation for your retirement. You could start planning for that now.

Second: I have been in the position where I thought moving would solve problems, make things better. And guess what? Moving didn't...because I was still stuck with ME. And it took me two cross country moves to learn this lesson. I agree your H should talk to someone and get to the root of the WHYs: why is this move so important to him? Why is hesitant to compromise? I mean, your job sounds perfect, and I can't imagine why he would look at your family's overall situation and think, this is not enough. I want it all! Why? It could be something else is lurking (MLC?) that is manifesting in this obsession with moving to the middle of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s ridiculous to ask you to give up your entire career (which sounds perfect for you and your family life). He doesn’t have to give up anything to move. I agree with you that having all your vacations and your one month of remote work in a rural place is a good compromise.
You could also consider a vacation home in rural Va or WV and he could spend more time there.

This. He sounds incredibly selfish. Do NOT sacrifice your career. I promise you will regret it, especially given how selfish your husband is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's totally remote and you are remote for a month every summer. Buy a cabin in the mountains and work there for a month every summer. If that isn't enough for him, then you aren't compatible. I don't know what job you have, but if it doesn't exist in rural America and isn't transferable at all, you may find yourself being a bookkeeper or admin.

This OP. Work remotely from a rural location for a month every summer. Don't know if your dh has thought things out, but it is difficult to find good schools in a rural location.

Personally, I would compromise by moving to outer suburbs, maybe investigate Maryland where the outer areas are more rural due to growth restrictions, rather than the suburban outer areas of VA.

[Anonymous]

This thread is laughable. I moved in 2020 to a more rural idyllic area from a HCOL area and our lives are superior in every way. Higher salary, lower COL, nicer housing that is appreciating faster, LESS commute (almost none really), no traffic, everything we want to do without all the garbage to org Theo GI h and filter out to do it; higher quality of just about everything including food; nicer more interesting people, better community, better health.

Reading the posts here is like being the only prisoner on death row who went free and hearing all the other prisoners gripe as you walk past them on your way out.

[Anonymous]

^garbage to sort through

[Anonymous]

OP can you looking into taking an extended leave of absence or sabbatical from your job? I know it’s a long shot, but maybe you guys could actually try really living somewhere else for a year (rent out your house in the meantime) to see how all of you really feel about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is laughable. I moved in 2020 to a more rural idyllic area from a HCOL area and our lives are superior in every way. Higher salary, lower COL, nicer housing that is appreciating faster, LESS commute (almost none really), no traffic, everything we want to do without all the garbage to org Theo GI h and filter out to do it; higher quality of just about everything including food; nicer more interesting people, better community, better health.

Reading the posts here is like being the only prisoner on death row who went free and hearing all the other prisoners gripe as you walk past them on your way out.

Where are you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree that rural areas can be great--beautiful nature, acceptable schools (it's not like DCPS is awesome), and commutes can actually be shorter. Right now, we fight traffic to take my kid to swimming class and it's a slog to go 2 miles. If I could wave a wand and suddenly be in a more beautiful environment with my current job, I think I'd do it. It's just the idea of giving up my job, selling our house, leaving all friends, etc., that makes me hesitate. I like nature too....but the job, mortgage rate, etc. are keeping me (and also my husband and kid) here.

For what it's worth, my husband isn't being petulant about this. He gets that my job is important to me and feels stuck--he wants me to have a job I love, but, after a decade in DC, he REALLY doesn't want to live in or raise our kid in DC for the next 10-ish years. Ugh.