Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very concerned about schools in this rural area he wants.

Rural schools are better than suburban, IMO. I had a great education. FCPS sucks in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Does he maybe think that moving may improve your marriage? A calmer lifestyle or something?

[Anonymous]

Op we’re in the middle of this right now as well , it’s really hard. These things cant be figured out rationally - it may be rational for your family finances, logistics, etc to stay here but you can’t discount a spouse’s feelings, especially if it truly is not a whim but a informed and committed desire. He may become resentful if you stay in DMV for all the valid reasons you listed.

[Anonymous]

1. Can't sell the house and move because interest rates are high.
2. Can't move so get a divorce.
3. Forced by the judge to sell the house no matter what the interest rate is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't get away from people in the DMV. That is what wore me down over time.

Every time I turned around, I bumped into someone.

Every time I wanted to go for a "quiet" walk, there were 50 people. Every time I wanted to take a drive, there were hundreds of cars. Every time I wanted to park in a space, there were 30 other cars looking for the same open parking space. Every time I wanted to go to an event, there was a long line.

Every time I wanted some peace and quiet in my townhome, I could hear my neighbor's television, the neighbor on the next balcony talking on their phone, dogs barking, a kid bouncing a ball up and down the sidewalk, a baby screaming, a car honking, a subwoofer blaring, a motorcycle revving, aircraft passing overhead, helicopters whirring, ambulances racing, police cars chasing...

It never stopped.

Then we moved out of the area. The first thing I said that first night was "it's so quiet here."

And I could finally relax, and sleep through the night.

Once upon a time I was on a rather crowded metro car on a warm day. i was sitting across from some folks in town from Alaska who worked for BLM or FWS or NPS or something. And I could hear them thinking, "i can't believe people live like this, every day, crammed in like sardines, slogging from windowless cubicle to metro to house in the suburbs on a postage stamp sized lot. they must be going crazy from being around so many people and so much asphalt and smog. i can't wait to get back up to alaska where I can breathe. how sad that these people live like this, their whole lives, on their phone indoors not even noticing the admittedly pitiful nature outdoors."

meanwhile I was looking at them like, dang how do you all survive out in the middle of the alaskan wilderness surrounded by a bunch of nothing and endless night?? don't you go crazy all by your lonesomes, with only polar bears for company?

i think if a marriage is composed of two people who fall into those two different categories, it would be very hard to make it work

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't say what your relative incomes or ages are. I agree with PP that it's totally unreasonable for your DH to propose that you give up your career unless he earns an enormous amount.
Is it an option to plan on retiring to a quieter place as soon as your DC starts or finishes college?

[Anonymous]

Can you drive him around to some of the exurban areas so he can see what it's like? My husband is also like yours and we compromised by moving to Reston - it's wooded, we have a lot of land, it feels like we live much further out than we actually do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you drive him around to some of the exurban areas so he can see what it's like? My husband is also like yours and we compromised by moving to Reston - it's wooded, we have a lot of land, it feels like we live much further out than we actually do.

Trust me, if someone’s heart is in Vermont, Reston ain’t gonna cut it.

Last time we were there, traffic on Reston Pkwy was so bad that it took us 15 minutes to get from Sunset Hills to Baron Cameron. At 10 am on a Monday. My dh practically lost his mind.

[Anonymous]

Can you move somewhere in Loudoun county and commute in 2-3 days/week via ashburn metro? The schools are decent and you'd still be in civilization while your spouse could feel like he's in the middle of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's totally remote and you are remote for a month every summer. Buy a cabin in the mountains and work there for a month every summer. If that isn't enough for him, then you aren't compatible. I don't know what job you have, but if it doesn't exist in rural America and isn't transferable at all, you may find yourself being a bookkeeper or admin.

This but can you buy a cabin in say rural VA or W Va and spend weekends there often?

[Anonymous]

First of all, you need to stop taking responsibility for his feelings and treat him like an adult.

Your husband needs to own what he is asking you to give up. If you’re a fed chemist and your only job opportunity in rural Maine would be working as a high school Chem teacher, your husband needs to verbalize that he wants you to give up your career. He needs to have a plan for how your family is going to deal with the financial loss of half your HHI. To be honest, your husband’s approach of putting pressure on you and turning you into a roadblock type boss or mommy figure who is saying “no” to his dreams is a big red flag.

The second red flag is that he’s not doing any of the work to come up with a plan. And again, this happening when he actively wants something from you. This is the most amenable he’s ever going to be to putting in work to make this happen. If you move this is not a guy who is going to help if you end up depressed and isolated in a blizzard in Maine. He’s going to annoyed you’re such a downer.

And lastly, you say your marriage is on the rocks. These types of moves with a trailing spouse tend to stress the best of marriages. In your case it’s very likely to be the final catalyst towards the divorce. Then you’d be stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no career potential until your daughter graduates high school.

[Anonymous]

Let him move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't say what your relative incomes or ages are. I agree with PP that it's totally unreasonable for your DH to propose that you give up your career unless he earns an enormous amount.
Is it an option to plan on retiring to a quieter place as soon as your DC starts or finishes college?

Is he proposing that she give up her career? I don’t see anywhere whether he is proposing that she SAH or find another job. I mean, there are careers to be had in rural areas. It sounds like she has the whole country to choose from. There might be some kind of work somewhere that she could enjoy. Even if there isn’t, the act of looking might help their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Our marriage has been a little rocky lately (in part because of this issue) and I worry that I'll move to his preferred location and then we'll divorce and I'll be stuck in a location that is not ideal for me (sort of how he feels now!).


Be very very careful. This happened to me. We're now in a beautiful rural location but I had to start completely over in a more expensive place with no network and fewer childcare options and resources. Speak to a lawyer ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs therapy. He sounds depressed, and moving isn’t going to solve that issue. It is very clear that staying where you are makes the most sense - your career, low mortgage rate, opportunities for your kid. There’s really no question that staying is the right decision. But he is bummed because it isn’t what he wants. It is fine to be disappointed, but he needs to be able to work thru these feelings without resenting you! He is acting like a petulant child who is pouting because they want to eat ice cream all day in front of the TV instead of going to school. Lots of people would love to live out in the wilderness and get to hike and fish all the time. But it isn’t the reality because jobs tend to be near cities, along with better schools and a better lifestyle for kids.

Is he having an affair? I think there’s definitely something more going on for him to not understand the logic here.

I am PP who said we got divorced and so OP needs to be careful. In hindsight I think my exDH wanting to move was part of a midlife crisis. It turned our family upside down and severely affected my mental health. He went on to make a series of crazy decisions. When I look back the move was only the first one.