Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not leave this area if you think divorce is a possibility. For exactly the reason you stated.

I’m the stuck spouse in this scenario but I’m not thinking of divorce. I’ve just made my sad peace with my dated 1992 colonial on a postage stamp lot surrounded by hyper competitive people. I’ve basically become a hermit.

I wish we could have a club pp! I'm also the stuck spouse, except in a 1970s fixer upper we bought to have a 1/2 an acre.

Therapy has helped. We also lived in a rural area for about five years, which was great in many ways but also has some real downsides (subpar healthcare, dislike of "outsiders," limited career options, school funding isn't as important in some areas, etc.)

I remind myself of these things and the good things about DC metro living (available healthcare, museums, organic food, etc) every time I force myself out of my own hermit house to live among the hyper competitive.

Maybe you and dh need to talk about what he wants from living in a rural area, and see how much of that could be done here. Rural life is not all bliss and there are some definite downsides.

It's why we bought a house with as much land in the DC area as we could afford, in a place without an HOA, for example.

[Anonymous]

Do you work for the federal government? Or would you be willing to? Maybe an agency like Department of the Interior that has field offices around the country, including in remote spots. That could be a way to compromise -- get out of the area but still maintain your career.

[Anonymous]

NP - OP, I feel this because DH would rather be in Vermont, I’d rather be in DC, and who knows how that will play out in the long run

However… we currently live in outer ring NYC suburbia

For now, this works - career opportunities are stable and VT is close enough for a weekend trip

I would also rather have my kids in school here than in our former FCPS pyramid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would be best for your child, though? Would your child have as many opportunities in these rural areas as they do here?

This. I would not move my ES kid to a rural environment. They’ll be lonely and you'll have to drive them everywhere. DH needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that rural areas can be great--beautiful nature, acceptable schools (it's not like DCPS is awesome), and commutes can actually be shorter. Right now, we fight traffic to take my kid to swimming class and it's a slog to go 2 miles. If I could wave a wand and suddenly be in a more beautiful environment with my current job, I think I'd do it. It's just the idea of giving up my job, selling our house, leaving all friends, etc., that makes me hesitate. I like nature too....but the job, mortgage rate, etc. are keeping me (and also my husband and kid) here.

For what it's worth, my husband isn't being petulant about this. He gets that my job is important to me and feels stuck--he wants me to have a job I love, but, after a decade in DC, he REALLY doesn't want to live in or raise our kid in DC for the next 10-ish years. Ugh.

Would something like moving to Fairfax Station be a compromise? We have friends there and it feels like we’re in the middle of nowhere when we visit, but it’s 15 minutes outside the beltway.

[Anonymous]

I was on the other side of this. We moved to Anne Arundel County. But it was in a much better interest rate environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not leave this area if you think divorce is a possibility. For exactly the reason you stated.

I’m the stuck spouse in this scenario but I’m not thinking of divorce. I’ve just made my sad peace with my dated 1992 colonial on a postage stamp lot surrounded by hyper competitive people. I’ve basically become a hermit.

I wish we could have a club pp! I'm also the stuck spouse, except in a 1970s fixer upper we bought to have a 1/2 an acre.

Therapy has helped. We also lived in a rural area for about five years, which was great in many ways but also has some real downsides (subpar healthcare, dislike of "outsiders," limited career options, school funding isn't as important in some areas, etc.)

I remind myself of these things and the good things about DC metro living (available healthcare, museums, organic food, etc) every time I force myself out of my own hermit house to live among the hyper competitive.

Maybe you and dh need to talk about what he wants from living in a rural area, and see how much of that could be done here. Rural life is not all bliss and there are some definite downsides.

It's why we bought a house with as much land in the DC area as we could afford, in a place without an HOA, for example.

I'm a third stuck spouse (2 bedroom condo in a neighborhood with terrible schools, so we dedicate tons of energy to taking our kid to schools elsewhere in the city) and I would love a club.

Agree the key is to find the least miserable situation for the non-stuck spouse that is still in this area so the happy spouse can stay in their good job.

Current plan for us is to move within the area since we are stuck here for DH's job, but to rent. We'll sell our condo (realizing that might take more than a minute since condos move slower). You can actually find decent deals on rent right now, especially if you are looking in the burbs, so we should also be able to save more aggressively than we are right now.

Hopefully the suburbs relieve some of my misery, plus this plan will allow us to build up a good amount of cash on hand to give us maximum flexibility if the suburbs don't work or if we decide we need to be closer in or further out (or I don't know, back in the city, it's impossible for me to imagine that but I need to leave the option open). I do think a good part of my misery is due to the condo and having outgrown it but not having bought something else before both prices and rates went up. So maybe just getting out of the condo will help me like this area more, we'll see.

I think our situation is a bit easier than OP's because I'm not married to the idea that I will ONLY be happy if I'm in a rural place. What I know is that I am very much not happy now, that the school situation sucks in the district, and that feeling totally immobilized by DH's job is making both of those things feel even worse. So I'm hoping a smaller change that addresses the condo issue and the school issue might loosen things up enough that it will be easier to find a solution. It's harder when all your money is tied up in a home you don't want to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is laughable. I moved in 2020 to a more rural idyllic area from a HCOL area and our lives are superior in every way. Higher salary, lower COL, nicer housing that is appreciating faster, LESS commute (almost none really), no traffic, everything we want to do without all the garbage to org Theo GI h and filter out to do it; higher quality of just about everything including food; nicer more interesting people, better community, better health.

Reading the posts here is like being the only prisoner on death row who went free and hearing all the other prisoners gripe as you walk past them on your way out.

Well good for you! You are superior to us all. Actually your situation is nothing like the OP’s since your job obviously wasn’t worth sticking around the area for. But enjoy your view from your pedestal.

OP- I do think the answer is picking up a weekend place. Vacation home does not mean you need to be there every single weekend but it’s a place to retreat to. Prices seem to be coming down in the Bryce area. There’s lots to do and it’s under two hours from DC. You could try it until you’re ready to move or retire, or your DH may realize he doesn’t love rural living.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do this if your marriage is already shaky. You’re the one with everything to lose.

[Anonymous]

OP- in this order:

1) Marriage counseling
2) vacation remotely
3) Post-nup as a condition of you agreeing to move

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I personally think it is wrong of your husband to say all of this now.

Unless his income is enough where he can support you + your child fully, then he has no right to lay all of this on you.

He doesn’t even seem happy w/a compromise now, if he says that even weekends & vacations would still not be enough.

To expect you to just give up your job and relocate just because he has decided that he wants to live in a rural only environment is wholly unfair to you.

He needs to understand that w/a young child - it is not always possible to get everything we desire in life, WHEN we desire it.

Realistically, he may have to wait to move to where he wants to live.

Such is life as both a spouse as well as a parent.
He signed up for both.

[Anonymous]

It’s not rational for him to expect you to give up your job & risk family finances for something he can get in a different way (vacations, daytrips, move to suburbs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is laughable. I moved in 2020 to a more rural idyllic area from a HCOL area and our lives are superior in every way. Higher salary, lower COL, nicer housing that is appreciating faster, LESS commute (almost none really), no traffic, everything we want to do without all the garbage to org Theo GI h and filter out to do it; higher quality of just about everything including food; nicer more interesting people, better community, better health.

Reading the posts here is like being the only prisoner on death row who went free and hearing all the other prisoners gripe as you walk past them on your way out.

This isnt about you. Op likes her job and the area

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is wrong of your husband to say all of this now.

Unless his income is enough where he can support you + your child fully, then he has no right to lay all of this on you.

He doesn’t even seem happy w/a compromise now, if he says that even weekends & vacations would still not be enough.

To expect you to just give up your job and relocate just because he has decided that he wants to live in a rural only environment is wholly unfair to you.

He needs to understand that w/a young child - it is not always possible to get everything we desire in life, WHEN we desire it.

Realistically, he may have to wait to move to where he wants to live.

Such is life as both a spouse as well as a parent.
He signed up for both.

This sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you looking into taking an extended leave of absence or sabbatical from your job? I know it’s a long shot, but maybe you guys could actually try really living somewhere else for a year (rent out your house in the meantime) to see how all of you really feel about it.

who can afford to just not earn a salary for a year? come one. and nobody asks for a sabbatical so they can move to their husband’s sh*tty rural hometown to appease his mid-life crisis itch. If you’re lucky enough to have a job that will give you leave or a sabbatical you best be sailing around the world or living in Bali. Not b-fk rural America.