Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike. :)

You're insane. I'm a nature / national park lover, and skier/mountain biker. There is nothing here. Nothing.

There are certainly worse places, like Houston or Dallas, for nature people, but DC isn't even in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities.

Walking around in some trees is not what I care for.

What?! LOL, no. DC ranks pretty high and in the second linked article is #1. If you can't find an outdoor activity you like in this entire area then the problem is you.

https://www.niche.com/places-to-live/search/best-outdoors-cities/
https://www.commercialsearch.com/blog/best-cities-to-live-for-outdoor-enthusiasts/
https://www.rei.com/blog/news/new-analysis-reveals-top-50-cities-for-access-to-the-outdoors

NYC is on that last list?? This is literally just a list for every US city anyone's ever heard of.

But DC is on a LIST! On the INTERNET! That proves it’s practically Yellowstone!!

It's on three, but who's counting. Maybe you want to refer back to the original assertion that DC isn't in the top 100 urban areas for access to outdoor activities that was posted with no source at all.

OP seems to have wisely moved on from this thread. Sadly, she has missed out on her made up career as a virology researcher at NIH. Too bad. Sounds like a cool job.

I can see what she means if she likes mountain biking and skiing. There isn’t a lot of that around DC.

I agree that being a researcher at the NIH does sound like a cool job :).

We lived in a rural area for a while. I liked it partly because there wasn’t a lot to do. If you wanted to sign your kids up for swim lessons or youth soccer, there was basically one place to do it. There were only two schools to choose from. There were only a few restaurants to go to if you wanted to go out to dinner or host a party. It was just easier to live there.

It was also a lot easier to make an impact on the community, and there are less distinct lines between classes. The children’s librarian did a lot with HeadStart and put on tons of free programming, and all of the kids of every SES went to it. I went to a talk from the guy who started Headspace in Australia while I lived there, and decided to start a space for teens to get free and confidential mental health treatment/information, and we just kind of did it. A local church gave us space. People volunteered their time. It’s impossible to do that kind of thing in the city unless you want to make it your full time job.

DH didn’t like his job there though, so we moved to the city. We did get a suburban home with about 3/4 of an acre. It’s enough to have a garden and a little orchard and a few chickens, so that itch is scratched anyway :). I don’t like my job here though. I feel replaceable.

[Anonymous]

OP what did you end up doing?

[Anonymous]

To OP, and to those reading, I was in this situation and I love my husband and he is an amazing father and I wanted him to be happy so I adjusted career expectations and found a new position. He compromised in other ways regarding house and location, but we did move to a rural part of the country. I am happy, he is happy. Life is short and we are a partnership and we found a middle ground.

Good luck OP, job and career can’t trump your life partner.

[Anonymous]

I found this post and read through the entire thread. It resonates with me, and I find myself in a very similar situation. I am not in DC but another VHCOL area.

I spent the last decade moving for husband's military career. I am in STEM field. I started over jobs many times in the last decade and had many toxic, misogynist workplaces. My DH is out of the military now and we live near my hometown (I am so happy here). I am in a low stress, high grade, secure federal job I love. It truly is a unicorn, and everyone tells me that. Very hard to come by in my agency. I genuinely love my job and find a lot of purpose in it. I only have to go to office once per pay period so I have a ton of flexibility.

My husband works in a field where he gone 50%+ of the month (aviation). We have three young children that I am obviously the primary parent for by virtue of my husband's career. My job allows me the flexibility I need to work around their schedules. I love where we live because there is SO much to do when I am solo parenting kids on the weekends. I truly have a great balance of being a mother and still pursing what I love.

What's the issue? Well, my husband hates the state we live in. My office is in the city, but we live in a suburb with more "nature" (lots of hiking trails) and space. (I would prefer city life myself). I commute ~1.5-2 hrs each way when I need to go to the office. I don't mind the commute. But my DH is stubborn and can't get past his hatred for the state and constantly is putting pressure on me to move. He is "miserable" here he tells me.

While of course I want my DH to be happy where he lives, I don't know what compromise looks likes here. Is it selfish of me to not want to move (again)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this post and read through the entire thread. It resonates with me, and I find myself in a very similar situation. I am not in DC but another VHCOL area.

I spent the last decade moving for husband's military career. I am in STEM field. I started over jobs many times in the last decade and had many toxic, misogynist workplaces. My DH is out of the military now and we live near my hometown (I am so happy here). I am in a low stress, high grade, secure federal job I love. It truly is a unicorn, and everyone tells me that. Very hard to come by in my agency. I genuinely love my job and find a lot of purpose in it. I only have to go to office once per pay period so I have a ton of flexibility.

My husband works in a field where he gone 50%+ of the month (aviation). We have three young children that I am obviously the primary parent for by virtue of my husband's career. My job allows me the flexibility I need to work around their schedules. I love where we live because there is SO much to do when I am solo parenting kids on the weekends. I truly have a great balance of being a mother and still pursing what I love.

What's the issue? Well, my husband hates the state we live in. My office is in the city, but we live in a suburb with more "nature" (lots of hiking trails) and space. (I would prefer city life myself). I commute ~1.5-2 hrs each way when I need to go to the office. I don't mind the commute. But my DH is stubborn and can't get past his hatred for the state and constantly is putting pressure on me to move. He is "miserable" here he tells me.

While of course I want my DH to be happy where he lives, I don't know what compromise looks likes here. Is it selfish of me to not want to move (again)?

Sorry yiure married to a d!ck.

[Anonymous]

I know marriage is long and complex but I read descriptions like the one above and my heart sinks. PP moved for a decade for her husband's career in the military, they have three(!) young kids she primarily parents, he's gone 50% of the time already, and wants her to move (again), when she finally has a job she likes?

Some marriages are just not partnerships, and this feels like one of them. PP asking if she's selfish indicates how long she's been boiling in the water. So sorry for you PP. And I would not move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was going to suggest something similar to PP - buy a small cabin as a second home somewhere close enough to travel on weekends that feels really remote - Shenandoah or West Virginia. Spend as much time there as possible, weekends and breaks, and maybe he spends every other week there alone.

+1 I agree, OP. This path seems ideal.

[Anonymous]

Satisfactory relationships are based on compromises around big issues, not one partner making demands and the other caving in when they have a lot to lose. The demanding partner is saying that their desires take priority, but there's no reason that should be the case. There are always compromises to be had between urban/suburban/rural. When kids are involved there are obviously social and educational considerations which should be given at least as much priority as someone saying they "don't like it" where they are and they want to run away to live in a vacuum.

As described, both unhappy spouses mentioned here seem like entitled, selfish, pouty individuals. They don't need to get 100% of what they want; they have obligations to their partners and children to come to agreement on a satisfactory, even if not 100% ideal, lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know marriage is long and complex but I read descriptions like the one above and my heart sinks. PP moved for a decade for her husband's career in the military, they have three(!) young kids she primarily parents, he's gone 50% of the time already, and wants her to move (again), when she finally has a job she likes?

Some marriages are just not partnerships, and this feels like one of them. PP asking if she's selfish indicates how long she's been boiling in the water. So sorry for you PP. And I would not move.

I am the poster you are responding to. I have tears right now, reading your message. We once went to couples therapy, where I was basically berated by the therapist that he is willing to live in many different states but I am not willing to move. I am scarred from that therapy experience and it’s made me feel so much guilt and question my selfishness every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found this post and read through the entire thread. It resonates with me, and I find myself in a very similar situation. I am not in DC but another VHCOL area.

I spent the last decade moving for husband's military career. I am in STEM field. I started over jobs many times in the last decade and had many toxic, misogynist workplaces. My DH is out of the military now and we live near my hometown (I am so happy here). I am in a low stress, high grade, secure federal job I love. It truly is a unicorn, and everyone tells me that. Very hard to come by in my agency. I genuinely love my job and find a lot of purpose in it. I only have to go to office once per pay period so I have a ton of flexibility.

My husband works in a field where he gone 50%+ of the month (aviation). We have three young children that I am obviously the primary parent for by virtue of my husband's career. My job allows me the flexibility I need to work around their schedules. I love where we live because there is SO much to do when I am solo parenting kids on the weekends. I truly have a great balance of being a mother and still pursing what I love.

What's the issue? Well, my husband hates the state we live in. My office is in the city, but we live in a suburb with more "nature" (lots of hiking trails) and space. (I would prefer city life myself). I commute ~1.5-2 hrs each way when I need to go to the office. I don't mind the commute. But my DH is stubborn and can't get past his hatred for the state and constantly is putting pressure on me to move. He is "miserable" here he tells me.

While of course I want my DH to be happy where he lives, I don't know what compromise looks likes here. Is it selfish of me to not want to move (again)?

You already moved for a decade for his career. Now he wants you to give up your career which gives you flexibility to be the primary parent to 3 young kids AND move to another state where you and the kids will live while he travels and is only home less than half the time. HELL no. I think it’s outrageous that he would even ask. Is he planning to leave his job and be the primary parent after you move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know marriage is long and complex but I read descriptions like the one above and my heart sinks. PP moved for a decade for her husband's career in the military, they have three(!) young kids she primarily parents, he's gone 50% of the time already, and wants her to move (again), when she finally has a job she likes?

Some marriages are just not partnerships, and this feels like one of them. PP asking if she's selfish indicates how long she's been boiling in the water. So sorry for you PP. And I would not move.

I am the poster you are responding to. I have tears right now, reading your message. We once went to couples therapy, where I was basically berated by the therapist that he is willing to live in many different states but I am not willing to move. I am scarred from that therapy experience and it’s made me feel so much guilt and question my selfishness every day.

Kindly, PP, your relationship sounds abusive. From both your H and that therapist. If you’re near family, consider your future options. FWIW, men who spend > 50% of time away from family are infrequently faithful. I’m sorry for your situation. Wishing you good things and luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know marriage is long and complex but I read descriptions like the one above and my heart sinks. PP moved for a decade for her husband's career in the military, they have three(!) young kids she primarily parents, he's gone 50% of the time already, and wants her to move (again), when she finally has a job she likes?

Some marriages are just not partnerships, and this feels like one of them. PP asking if she's selfish indicates how long she's been boiling in the water. So sorry for you PP. And I would not move.

I am the poster you are responding to. I have tears right now, reading your message. We once went to couples therapy, where I was basically berated by the therapist that he is willing to live in many different states but I am not willing to move. I am scarred from that therapy experience and it’s made me feel so much guilt and question my selfishness every day.

NP. You are not selfish. And couples/marital therapy is not about the therapist taking sides. I am sorry you had that experience. Stick to your guns. You have frankly earned the right to be in one place and have a great job.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to have a heart to heart with your husband. I was in the military and have lived all over the country and then world, and my wife’s current job has us pinned to living within a 30 minute commute of downtowns dc.

I really hate the dmv. It’s the hardest place to live of any of the 15 or so places we’ve lived. Everything is just way more difficult than it needs to be. But if you give him hope for a retirement somewhere calmer, it may help him deal with the fact that he’s here until something changes with your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know marriage is long and complex but I read descriptions like the one above and my heart sinks. PP moved for a decade for her husband's career in the military, they have three(!) young kids she primarily parents, he's gone 50% of the time already, and wants her to move (again), when she finally has a job she likes?

Some marriages are just not partnerships, and this feels like one of them. PP asking if she's selfish indicates how long she's been boiling in the water. So sorry for you PP. And I would not move.

I am the poster you are responding to. I have tears right now, reading your message. We once went to couples therapy, where I was basically berated by the therapist that he is willing to live in many different states but I am not willing to move. I am scarred from that therapy experience and it’s made me feel so much guilt and question my selfishness every day.

NP. You are not selfish. And couples/marital therapy is not about the therapist taking sides. I am sorry you had that experience. Stick to your guns. You have frankly earned the right to be in one place and have a great job.

I am honestly so sorry that you had that therapy experience. That sounds incredibly strange. To me, you are compromising more than I would be comfortable by being a solo parent 50 percent of the time. I think asking for more is just selfish. I am also in STEM and having worked my butt off to stay in my field but have the flexibility to be the primary parent as well and I just want to say I SEE YOU and I know how hard that is. I would go to individual therapy to help you deal with what you’ve already had to do and to have the support you need to do what is best for your kids, which is be primarily parented by someone who is mentally ok and has a support network. Good luck

[Anonymous]

PS - I always laugh when I see these threads where people think the idea of someone being an NIH researcher is so crazy. Do you know how many NIH researchers live in the DMV area? Thousands and thousands. Add in the people working at public health labs and other very location specific positions- it’s way more than you think. And yup some of them might end up on DCUM…