DD unintentionally gave 1st grandchild same first name as DH’s AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For goodness sake. Communicate. If my mother told me a name caused her pain i would switch it. There’s nothing wrong with saying this name has bad associations for you. If they decide not to change the name drop it but at least you told them.

If my mother decided my pregnancy was the appropriate time for her to unburden herself on me about my father’s affair and request I change the name that my DH and I had already announced it would lead me to think far less of her and significantly reduce ties moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

Absolutely not. OP can speak to her therapist about how to get over this. She should not guilt trip her daughter into changing the name.

+1. The daughter is sharing the name because she's excited. I still remember people we were friends with when I was pregnant making a rude comment about a name I loved. It's stupid, but it tainted that name for me. I'm not heartbroken or anything, but it was one of those little things that sucked. OP, you don't want your daughter to associate that sort of sucky feeling with you.

[Anonymous]

This is name my a-hole husband stole from my family. We're stealing it back.

When I get to bottom you go back to the top of the slide, where I stop and you turn, and I go for a ride..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl, I'd say something- that this is the name of a person who inflicted pain upon you and it's the one name you cannot hear without the pain coming up. (This IS the only name, right? You get one veto).

You sucked it up and were a martyr the first time. Being a martyr again- and for the rest of your life is not worth it.

To those who suggest calling the child by some random nickname/made up name other than the legal name- this might work for some but is not done in our families so that would be off the table.

+1- and the kicker is that this is a common name- she can find another common name to use. Normally I don't believe anyone has anything to do with personal baby name choices- people can use whatever stupid name they want....but this literally is the mother of the pg mum- and I think is the only time there could ever be a veto (unless you picked a name like Adolf or family criminal/ child molester's name- that would be bad too).

What if you tried the nickname thing people are suggesting and your DD wasn't into nicknames/got angrier that you tried to pick another name after the fact? That's dopey.

I'm close with my mother so I'd be so pissed if she let me use a horrible name without my knowledge. That would be insane.

This is a no-brainer. I'd say it should be DH's job to bring it up but I bet he'd f*ck it up and tingle her spidey senses that he is the one coming to her instead of you. I don't think this is a great idea to spill on the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl, I'd say something- that this is the name of a person who inflicted pain upon you and it's the one name you cannot hear without the pain coming up. (This IS the only name, right? You get one veto).

You sucked it up and were a martyr the first time. Being a martyr again- and for the rest of your life is not worth it.

To those who suggest calling the child by some random nickname/made up name other than the legal name- this might work for some but is not done in our families so that would be off the table.

+1- and the kicker is that this is a common name- she can find another common name to use. Normally I don't believe anyone has anything to do with personal baby name choices- people can use whatever stupid name they want....but this literally is the mother of the pg mum- and I think is the only time there could ever be a veto (unless you picked a name like Adolf or family criminal/ child molester's name- that would be bad too).

What if you tried the nickname thing people are suggesting and your DD wasn't into nicknames/got angrier that you tried to pick another name after the fact? That's dopey.

I'm close with my mother so I'd be so pissed if she let me use a horrible name without my knowledge. That would be insane.

This is a no-brainer. I'd say it should be DH's job to bring it up but I bet he'd f*ck it up and tingle her spidey senses that he is the one coming to her instead of you. I don't think this is a great idea to spill on the affair.

How is OP going to mention this without tipping off DD on the affair? And put yourself in the DD shoes, if my mom comes to me and tells me she doesn’t like the name Larla because of a vague reason, I’m thinking less of my mom and overthinking it because I’m pregnant as all heck.

I think OP should sit this one out and leave it alone. They weren’t going to mention the affair, but now it’s fair game because OP can’t put on her big girl pants?

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

100 percent agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does DH feel about his grandchild's name?

I think DH should have the conversation about the affair with your DD.

"Sweetie, you can't name the baby Ashleigh. That's the same name of the young lady I was banging three times a week at the Holiday Inn!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl, I'd say something- that this is the name of a person who inflicted pain upon you and it's the one name you cannot hear without the pain coming up. (This IS the only name, right? You get one veto).

You sucked it up and were a martyr the first time. Being a martyr again- and for the rest of your life is not worth it.

To those who suggest calling the child by some random nickname/made up name other than the legal name- this might work for some but is not done in our families so that would be off the table.

+1- and the kicker is that this is a common name- she can find another common name to use. Normally I don't believe anyone has anything to do with personal baby name choices- people can use whatever stupid name they want....but this literally is the mother of the pg mum- and I think is the only time there could ever be a veto (unless you picked a name like Adolf or family criminal/ child molester's name- that would be bad too).

What if you tried the nickname thing people are suggesting and your DD wasn't into nicknames/got angrier that you tried to pick another name after the fact? That's dopey.

I'm close with my mother so I'd be so pissed if she let me use a horrible name without my knowledge. That would be insane.

This is a no-brainer. I'd say it should be DH's job to bring it up but I bet he'd f*ck it up and tingle her spidey senses that he is the one coming to her instead of you. I don't think this is a great idea to spill on the affair.

How is OP going to mention this without tipping off DD on the affair? And put yourself in the DD shoes, if my mom comes to me and tells me she doesn’t like the name Larla because of a vague reason, I’m thinking less of my mom and overthinking it because I’m pregnant as all heck.

I think OP should sit this one out and leave it alone. They weren’t going to mention the affair, but now it’s fair game because OP can’t put on her big girl pants?

This question is really based on the person's relationship with their mother- how close and how honest they are and what the established dynamics are. You bring your own history/experiences with your mother or pregnancy into this- so perhaps you would think less of your mother easily or perhaps you were emotionally labile or anxious when pregnant and would overthink. I was not. I have a solid relationship with my mother who does not involve herself in my decisions and is the opposite of a drama queen. I would not think less of her if she told me a name was a stinkeroo. I would accept her honesty. If she made this request of me- It would be very unusual so I'd want to know more, but would accept it if my mother told me it was not a good connotation/she had a bad experience with someone of that name. Again, I don't think anyone should bring up the affair. But hey- if they do end up divorcing and the truth comes out- awkward for little Stanktart Jr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is another example of why you should never share names in advance— if OP was meeting her granddaughter with that name I am sure the joy would wash away the pain.

I would not tell, just wait.

Uh, no, DD is not in the wrong for sharing the name with OP.

Who said anything about being “in the wrong”. I am just saying that 99% of the drama over baby names would never happen if parents kept the names to themselves.

How would this be any different if DD didn’t share the name until birth? OP is a drama queen, she would be on here complaining if DD didn’t share the name while pregnant. I’m sorry, but if you’re advocating that pregnant people should keep their mouth shut on their chosen name until the baby is here, you’re dead wrong.

So weird this is the hill you want to die on. Why is being “right” about this so important to you?

To be clear, it doesn’t matter to me if you want to tell your mailman the name of your unborn child but my own opinion is that no one presented with an actual live baby grandchild would be focused on the AP from years ago instead of the baby in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is another example of why you should never share names in advance— if OP was meeting her granddaughter with that name I am sure the joy would wash away the pain.

I would not tell, just wait.

Uh, no, DD is not in the wrong for sharing the name with OP.

Who said anything about being “in the wrong”. I am just saying that 99% of the drama over baby names would never happen if parents kept the names to themselves.

How would this be any different if DD didn’t share the name until birth? OP is a drama queen, she would be on here complaining if DD didn’t share the name while pregnant. I’m sorry, but if you’re advocating that pregnant people should keep their mouth shut on their chosen name until the baby is here, you’re dead wrong.

So weird this is the hill you want to die on. Why is being “right” about this so important to you?

To be clear, it doesn’t matter to me if you want to tell your mailman the name of your unborn child but my own opinion is that no one presented with an actual live baby grandchild would be focused on the AP from years ago instead of the baby in front of them.

You have no idea what OP would do. She is moaning about how the joy of her first grandchild is being taken away from her over a name. As presented, she appears to be the type to make it all about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can tell her it’s a lovely name but you have a very bad association with it, so you don’t really like it. You can tell her that once and the. Drop it. If she goes with the name anyway you will very soon have a new and joyful association with the name instead.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

It's not a "pulse check" to insult OP personally and insult her choice re: her husband. It's digging in and relishing blaming her personally.

Yes, she engaged in hyperbole with the "all the joy is gone" comment. But I'm wagering those who are opining with such personal vitriol are people who have not themselves ever had to live day in and day out with the fresh pain of learning about a spouse's affair. PPS here couldn't just shrug off the obvious hyperbole and just tell her that she would be making a mistake to turn the baby's name into an issue with DD; they had to get personal about OP as an indivdual. That's what sticks in my craw and what makes this thread and this site more toxic, when it wasn't, not long ago. Few want to answer questions with compassion; it's more fun here to see how you can slam OPs -- in many threads, not just this one -- while padding your slams with "Oh, we're just being frank for your own good! It's just a pulse check!"