DD unintentionally gave 1st grandchild same first name as DH’s AP

[Anonymous]

You don’t know how you’ll feel when you hold that baby in your arms and call her by her name. Don’t fret over it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

Don’t do this. I hate games about kid names.

DO NOT DO THIS

My MIL asked us to change our DD’s name bc we named her after my side of the family instead of my DH’s. (And not that it matters but we had already named our first child after his side of the family).

Our relationship with them never recovered and my MIL died this year. (Many years after).

[Anonymous]

It would be more because it’s an ugly stupid name for me (especially for an adult woman) than the association with the former AP.

[Anonymous]

People are so selfish. It’s a name. You have to manage your own feelings. No one else cares about this except you. Bad things happen. Get over it. Sorry if this seems harsh, but everyone is conditioned to think other people should care about their feelings and that their feelings should be accommodated. No. Expecting someone else to adapt to your whims is just selfish. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

For goodness sake. Communicate. If my mother told me a name caused her pain i would switch it. There’s nothing wrong with saying this name has bad associations for you. If they decide not to change the name drop it but at least you told them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is another example of why you should never share names in advance— if OP was meeting her granddaughter with that name I am sure the joy would wash away the pain.

I would not tell, just wait.

Uh, no, DD is not in the wrong for sharing the name with OP.

Who said anything about being “in the wrong”. I am just saying that 99% of the drama over baby names would never happen if parents kept the names to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids: DD (25), DS (22) and DS (18).

Three years ago I discovered DH was cheating on me. He was committed to saving our relationship after the affair came out and I made the decision not to tell the children. They have no idea DH had an affair nor do they know the AP’s name.

DD is expecting what will be our first grandchild and I have been feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in a long time. But today she told us the first name she’d chosen and it’s the same as the AP. I understand this is a coincidence, it’s a somewhat common name. But I’m devastated.

Hearing that name regularly brings up all the anger and rage of DH’s affair. I can’t ask my daughter to change the name? I can’t drop the bomb of WHY I hate this name either. I just have to live with it and fester.

All the joy I had about being a grandmother is gone.

Baby ain’t here. Tell dh to tell her to change the name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so selfish. It’s a name. You have to manage your own feelings. No one else cares about this except you. Bad things happen. Get over it. Sorry if this seems harsh, but everyone is conditioned to think other people should care about their feelings and that their feelings should be accommodated. No. Expecting someone else to adapt to your whims is just selfish. Get over yourself.

Wrong wrong wrong. Best I roll my eyes every time I meet a Denise. It’s been 20 years. I cut the relationship and she was also lied too. My heart is my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can tell her it’s a lovely name but you have a very bad association with it, so you don’t really like it. You can tell her that once and the. Drop it. If she goes with the name anyway you will very soon have a new and joyful association with the name instead.

This, but maybe just stop at that you have a very bad association with it that you will never shake. But if she goes with the name anyway, your granddaughter having the name will stomp out the AP and hopefully let you reclaim the name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so selfish. It’s a name. You have to manage your own feelings. No one else cares about this except you. Bad things happen. Get over it. Sorry if this seems harsh, but everyone is conditioned to think other people should care about their feelings and that their feelings should be accommodated. No. Expecting someone else to adapt to your whims is just selfish. Get over yourself.

Wrong wrong wrong. Best I roll my eyes every time I meet a Denise. It’s been 20 years. I cut the relationship and she was also lied too. My heart is my heart.

Exactly. They’re your feelings you keep to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be more because it’s an ugly stupid name for me (especially for an adult woman) than the association with the former AP.

+1. Every woman I knew in my lifetime with that name was a slut.

Did OP share the name? I didn’t see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids: DD (25), DS (22) and DS (18).

Three years ago I discovered DH was cheating on me. He was committed to saving our relationship after the affair came out and I made the decision not to tell the children. They have no idea DH had an affair nor do they know the AP’s name.

DD is expecting what will be our first grandchild and I have been feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in a long time. But today she told us the first name she’d chosen and it’s the same as the AP. I understand this is a coincidence, it’s a somewhat common name. But I’m devastated.

Hearing that name regularly brings up all the anger and rage of DH’s affair. I can’t ask my daughter to change the name? I can’t drop the bomb of WHY I hate this name either. I just have to live with it and fester.

All the joy I had about being a grandmother is gone.

Your DH has to own up to the affair to adult daughter, and explain that the baby name is the name of affair partner. He must say that it bothers him to have the name and would she consider changing it or he and you will use an agreed upon nickname.

If you have other kids, then not only DD will have to be told about affair, but all other sibs as well.

If DH is/was committed to saving the marriage the only way to do that is to commit to being responsible for the consequences of your actions. I’m sure neither of you thought of this consequence, but, here it is, and all these years later, your DH still has to take responsibility. It is best if he tells DD with you present, so that DD knows both of you know and agree with what you are asking. Also, then DD can ask questions and the three of you, if DD is really attached to the name, can come up with a mutually agreeable nickname. Also, don’t expect a one and done convo - your DD has a right to time to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is another example of why you should never share names in advance— if OP was meeting her granddaughter with that name I am sure the joy would wash away the pain.

I would not tell, just wait.

Uh, no, DD is not in the wrong for sharing the name with OP.

Who said anything about being “in the wrong”. I am just saying that 99% of the drama over baby names would never happen if parents kept the names to themselves.

How would this be any different if DD didn’t share the name until birth? OP is a drama queen, she would be on here complaining if DD didn’t share the name while pregnant. I’m sorry, but if you’re advocating that pregnant people should keep their mouth shut on their chosen name until the baby is here, you’re dead wrong.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

You see and interact with your husband daily. You say his name. He is the one who hurt you and broke your vows.