DD unintentionally gave 1st grandchild same first name as DH’s AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

It's not a "pulse check" to insult OP personally and insult her choice re: her husband. It's digging in and relishing blaming her personally.

Yes, she engaged in hyperbole with the "all the joy is gone" comment. But I'm wagering those who are opining with such personal vitriol are people who have not themselves ever had to live day in and day out with the fresh pain of learning about a spouse's affair. PPS here couldn't just shrug off the obvious hyperbole and just tell her that she would be making a mistake to turn the baby's name into an issue with DD; they had to get personal about OP as an indivdual. That's what sticks in my craw and what makes this thread and this site more toxic, when it wasn't, not long ago. Few want to answer questions with compassion; it's more fun here to see how you can slam OPs -- in many threads, not just this one -- while padding your slams with "Oh, we're just being frank for your own good! It's just a pulse check!"

You are living in a fantasy. DCUM was never a place to have your hand held and told your every thought was valid. That's Tumblr and some now defunct mommy forums
We make choices and choices have consequences. She chose to stay with her cheating husband and cover up the affair that's fine.
However she doesn't get to ruin her daughter's moment over it. That is the epitome of narcissism and selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

It's not a "pulse check" to insult OP personally and insult her choice re: her husband. It's digging in and relishing blaming her personally.

Yes, she engaged in hyperbole with the "all the joy is gone" comment. But I'm wagering those who are opining with such personal vitriol are people who have not themselves ever had to live day in and day out with the fresh pain of learning about a spouse's affair. PPS here couldn't just shrug off the obvious hyperbole and just tell her that she would be making a mistake to turn the baby's name into an issue with DD; they had to get personal about OP as an indivdual. That's what sticks in my craw and what makes this thread and this site more toxic, when it wasn't, not long ago. Few want to answer questions with compassion; it's more fun here to see how you can slam OPs -- in many threads, not just this one -- while padding your slams with "Oh, we're just being frank for your own good! It's just a pulse check!"

I mean, this response comes off you're taking the comments personally. OP can get hyperbolic but responders can't be a little snarky? Have you posted here before? This thread seems pretty tame to me. I think the OP did not do herself any favors by making it all about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can tell her it’s a lovely name but you have a very bad association with it, so you don’t really like it. You can tell her that once and the. Drop it. If she goes with the name anyway you will very soon have a new and joyful association with the name instead.

Agree

+2. Except I would not say very bad, just say negative association. Don’t make it more dramatic than it has to be or else questions will be asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

This is good advice. Believe me, I completely understand. Even after 20 years of moving past my DH's affair I wouldn't want to hear the Ads name on a regular basis. It might get easier over time but it never completely goes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

It's not a "pulse check" to insult OP personally and insult her choice re: her husband. It's digging in and relishing blaming her personally.

Yes, she engaged in hyperbole with the "all the joy is gone" comment. But I'm wagering those who are opining with such personal vitriol are people who have not themselves ever had to live day in and day out with the fresh pain of learning about a spouse's affair. PPS here couldn't just shrug off the obvious hyperbole and just tell her that she would be making a mistake to turn the baby's name into an issue with DD; they had to get personal about OP as an indivdual. That's what sticks in my craw and what makes this thread and this site more toxic, when it wasn't, not long ago. Few want to answer questions with compassion; it's more fun here to see how you can slam OPs -- in many threads, not just this one -- while padding your slams with "Oh, we're just being frank for your own good! It's just a pulse check!"

You are living in a fantasy. DCUM was never a place to have your hand held and told your every thought was valid. That's Tumblr and some now defunct mommy forums
We make choices and choices have consequences. She chose to stay with her cheating husband and cover up the affair that's fine.
However she doesn't get to ruin her daughter's moment over it. That is the epitome of narcissism and selfishness.

Has your husband ever cheated on you? Can you relate? Maybe she should just blow the affair wide open and really ruin her daughter's joy...and probably that of her other adult children when they find out their Dad is a schmuck. Adult children usually take revelations of this nature pretty hard... Go ahead, make that suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

It's not a "pulse check" to insult OP personally and insult her choice re: her husband. It's digging in and relishing blaming her personally.

Yes, she engaged in hyperbole with the "all the joy is gone" comment. But I'm wagering those who are opining with such personal vitriol are people who have not themselves ever had to live day in and day out with the fresh pain of learning about a spouse's affair. PPS here couldn't just shrug off the obvious hyperbole and just tell her that she would be making a mistake to turn the baby's name into an issue with DD; they had to get personal about OP as an indivdual. That's what sticks in my craw and what makes this thread and this site more toxic, when it wasn't, not long ago. Few want to answer questions with compassion; it's more fun here to see how you can slam OPs -- in many threads, not just this one -- while padding your slams with "Oh, we're just being frank for your own good! It's just a pulse check!"

I mean, this response comes off you're taking the comments personally. OP can get hyperbolic but responders can't be a little snarky? Have you posted here before? This thread seems pretty tame to me. I think the OP did not do herself any favors by making it all about herself.

NP. And I completely disagree with you. PP was dead-on in describing these snitty, pathetic pile-ons where one snide jackass woman after another tries to really wound OP for the hell of it. For what it’s worth, I come down hard on women who overly focus on the person their DH cheated with, but this is a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is fake someone trying to make a point that affairs have long term impact.

And on the small chance it's not fake get over it. You took your flea bag husband back you can get over a name. Get on Google and find 100 other associations for the name of you must.

Don't bring your drama to your daughter. I'd never forgive my mom if she started crap about not liking a name or negative associations etc

You chose to lie about the affair to stay married well you can keep on keeping it to you and DH.

NP not OP, but this thread has had quite a few of these nastily worded "get over it" posts. OP comes here being vulnerable and gets a few kind but frank responses, then gets these petty, mean-spirited replies. This site gets uglier by the day lately. Whether one thinks OP should tell DD all, or say nothing, there is no reason-- except several PPs' needs to feel superior by crapping on OP -- for these posts with a crazy mean tone. Just say you think telling DD is a bad idea, without your weird need to insult OP, who already has enough to deal with. Her choice to take back her DH isn't the issue here, either, and you have zero knowledge of why she is doing that.

I mean, her last line (“all of the joy of being a grandmother is now gone” I’m paraphrasing) is eye opening and not in a good way. Posting here is a good way to get a pulse check and people are looking out for DD who has done nothing wrong beyond excitedly tell her mother she’s settled on a name, and does not deserve to have this dumped on her while pregnant.

It's not a "pulse check" to insult OP personally and insult her choice re: her husband. It's digging in and relishing blaming her personally.

Yes, she engaged in hyperbole with the "all the joy is gone" comment. But I'm wagering those who are opining with such personal vitriol are people who have not themselves ever had to live day in and day out with the fresh pain of learning about a spouse's affair. PPS here couldn't just shrug off the obvious hyperbole and just tell her that she would be making a mistake to turn the baby's name into an issue with DD; they had to get personal about OP as an indivdual. That's what sticks in my craw and what makes this thread and this site more toxic, when it wasn't, not long ago. Few want to answer questions with compassion; it's more fun here to see how you can slam OPs -- in many threads, not just this one -- while padding your slams with "Oh, we're just being frank for your own good! It's just a pulse check!"

I mean, this response comes off you're taking the comments personally. OP can get hyperbolic but responders can't be a little snarky? Have you posted here before? This thread seems pretty tame to me. I think the OP did not do herself any favors by making it all about herself.

NP. And I completely disagree with you. PP was dead-on in describing these snitty, pathetic pile-ons where one snide jackass woman after another tries to really wound OP for the hell of it. For what it’s worth, I come down hard on women who overly focus on the person their DH cheated with, but this is a tough situation.

I agree with you. it's a tough situation.

Imagine this post from the other side? "I'm pregnant with my first child, and my mom has told me she hates the name I chose but won't tell me why."

OR "I'm pregnant with my first child, and my mom just told me that my dad had an affair that ended a few years back and the OW's name was Larla, which is the name we picked out. OMG what do I do now?"

[Anonymous]

Karma has served your husband a giant F U. Enjoy it. Say this baby’s name 195 times a day.

[Anonymous]

Had OP told her children the truth at the time, there is no way the DD would be giving her kid the AP's first name now.

Oh well! You'll have to continue to suffer in silence as you have since you decided to stay with your lying, cheating husband. Speaking of the philanderer, I'm assuming *he* just LOVES the name that DD picked out?! Is he losing sleep over it?

Should have divorced him. People never get over cheating. Never, ever, ever. Twenty years on, it's still a festering wound.

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter!

I would never name my first born same name as a parent’s AP.

[Anonymous]

What about, "I will grow to love it. At the moment, it's a name that associate a significant amount of pain with. I will grow to love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter!

I would never name my first born same name as a parent’s AP.

Just be prepared for the drama that comes with telling your daughter if you go that route.

[Anonymous]

Right now your granddaughter is just an image in your mind, but soon that will change. The name will become associated with all the traits that make your granddaughter her own individual with quirks and likes and dislikes and mannerisms. Give it time and that name will become all her, not the AP. But you have to hang in there and trust that time will do the work of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now your granddaughter is just an image in your mind, but soon that will change. The name will become associated with all the traits that make your granddaughter her own individual with quirks and likes and dislikes and mannerisms. Give it time and that name will become all her, not the AP. But you have to hang in there and trust that time will do the work of this.

This is true. You could also have DH husband say to your DD “you know, not a fan of the name due to someone we knew. Mom doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or cause a problem. Any chance you have another name you like?”
I wouldn’t drop the bomb of an affair on a pregnant daughter.

[Anonymous]

Now, how would people feel if they found out DD got the idea from dad, himself?