DD unintentionally gave 1st grandchild same first name as DH’s AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is tough, OP, but I honestly think once you meet your grandchild, that hatred will melt away.

same. the association will be with your granddaughter after a while.

+1. This will change that name into a positive association. Someday you won’t even think about the AP anymore when you hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't send your pain down the generations

Get help to deal with the affair and call your granddaughter Baby, Sweetie, or Honey or whatever you want until you can handle her name.

Having experienced a traumatic birth, let me tell you, you can't be sure of her safety arriving until she is safety in her mother's arms. And at that point you will be do freaking grateful, you won't care what they call her.

From the OP
All the joy I had about being a grandmother is gone.

OP, this is not about YOU. Grow up and knock it off. Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. That’s awful. Not only do you have to hear the name repeatedly, but also your DH will hear it. Ugh. I know this is a coincidence, but that is a very tough one. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl, I'd say something- that this is the name of a person who inflicted pain upon you and it's the one name you cannot hear without the pain coming up. (This IS the only name, right? You get one veto).

You sucked it up and were a martyr the first time. Being a martyr again- and for the rest of your life is not worth it.

To those who suggest calling the child by some random nickname/made up name other than the legal name- this might work for some but is not done in our families so that would be off the table.

Umm no, the actual parents are the only people who get a veto. Trying to dictate to your daughter (who did nothing wrong in this scenario) that she can’t use the name she prefers for her child doesn’t equal not being a martyr, but is a great way to sour the relationship going forward.

Op sounds wildly dramatic and needs to stop making this about her. It’s just a (admittedly common) name, get over it.

[Anonymous]

It’s been 18 years since my husband had an affair, and I literally can’t remember her name any more (although it was DEVASTATING). But if my mom asked me to change my child’s name, I’d still remember that. The AP was never the problem, OP. Let her go.

[Anonymous]

Since you didn’t say anything before ab the affair, now is not the time. Your daughter is pregnant, why burden her with anything negative to have to worry about and it will create family drama. There will be many people with this same name, it is up to you to not associate the two. We all have unpleasant situations that we have to navigate, I had my own in something similar. The name is just that - a name. It is time to let it go.

[Anonymous]

I would have your DH approach her and tell her that you were extremely wounded by someone with that name. Make him have the awkward conversation. He can say you want to be supportive so haven’t said anything but he wanted her to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been 18 years since my husband had an affair, and I literally can’t remember her name any more (although it was DEVASTATING). But if my mom asked me to change my child’s name, I’d still remember that. The AP was never the problem, OP. Let her go.

This is correct. Your husband is responsible for cheating on you, not the AP. You need to let it go and move on - therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell your daughter.

I would hate to name my child the same name as my father’s affair partner. Yuck! If she ever finds out she will feel betrayed by YOU as well.

+1

[Anonymous]

How does DH feel about his grandchild's name?

I think DH should have the conversation about the affair with your DD.

[Anonymous]

I was devastated when my oldest due date was the anniversary of a terrible event, totally by accident. Obviously there was nothing I could do about that and it did really change my feelings about it.

Think of this birth as the start of a new era. The era of being grandparents and getting to enjoy it with your husband. That woman is nothing to you anymore. I agree with everyone that you should not put this in your daughter now but allow the name to be reclaimed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does DH feel about his grandchild's name?

I think DH should have the conversation about the affair with your DD.

Yay! Way to celebrate a first grandchild!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell my dad dislikes DD10's name, and he's never said why. He calls her nicknames that are correct for her name but only an old person would use them. It's fine.

Peggy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

I would do the bolded and ask DD if you can call your grandaughter by a nick name.

If not, suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should tell your daughter.

I would hate to name my child the same name as my father’s affair partner. Yuck! If she ever finds out she will feel betrayed by YOU as well.

+1

Same here.