DD unintentionally gave 1st grandchild same first name as DH’s AP

[Anonymous]

I have three kids: DD (25), DS (22) and DS (18).

Three years ago I discovered DH was cheating on me. He was committed to saving our relationship after the affair came out and I made the decision not to tell the children. They have no idea DH had an affair nor do they know the AP’s name.

DD is expecting what will be our first grandchild and I have been feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in a long time. But today she told us the first name she’d chosen and it’s the same as the AP. I understand this is a coincidence, it’s a somewhat common name. But I’m devastated.

Hearing that name regularly brings up all the anger and rage of DH’s affair. I can’t ask my daughter to change the name? I can’t drop the bomb of WHY I hate this name either. I just have to live with it and fester.

All the joy I had about being a grandmother is gone.

[Anonymous]

You’ll call your beautiful granddaughter by a nickname that has nothing to do with the sound of her official name. Take a breath. I think you’ve had a lot to handle but this part I think will be totally ok.

[Anonymous]

That is tough, OP, but I honestly think once you meet your grandchild, that hatred will melt away.

[Anonymous]

That is so tough. I’m sorry I like the idea of having a special nickname for her.

[Anonymous]

If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

[Anonymous]

In a (short) time the name will come to have new meaning to you. It may even help you move forward to not think of her at all when you hear that name since it will have been subsumed by something much more relevant to your daily life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

Don’t do this. I hate games about kid names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

Absolutely not. OP can speak to her therapist about how to get over this. She should not guilt trip her daughter into changing the name.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I wish you healing. Maybe you can a ritual like burn the AP’s full name on a paper with all the painful feelings written down. Think of this as a call to heal so you can enjoy your beautiful granddaughter and this new stage in your life. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, you cannot ask your DD to change the baby's name. You made the decision to not tell your children about the affair, and you can't make that request without first telling your daughter and son-in law about the affair. It's not fair to them. Especially if they had a difficult time selecting a name.

You’ll call your beautiful granddaughter by a nickname that has nothing to do with the sound of her official name. Take a breath. I think you’ve had a lot to handle but this part I think will be totally ok.

Like this PP, I think you come up with a special nickname for your DGD that you call her by and you just learn to accept the problem.

What would you have done had your granddaughter been born and named before your husband had the affair? You would have had to live with that painful coincidence as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t move past it, tell your DD a white lie that when you were younger (true), someone with this name causes you unbearable emotional pain that you haven’t healed from (true). Your DH should say that he knows this. Just stay vague.
She might change it.

No.
It’s a lie.
DD will resent mom and be like- why TF is she telling me this now? She can’t get over some incident from years ago?? (Because she won’t truly understand). Then eventually the truth will come out. She’ll hate dad and be pissed she was lied to.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is your chance to reclaim the name into a positive association. Maybe it will bring you a tiny piece of healing.

Or maybe you will need to call your granddaughter a special nickname. My mom has always called my girls Sunshine and Darling. It's stuck just between her and them.

-signed, person whose cousin with the same name as my dhs AP is getting married and we are close so it's been nonstop dress shopping "Larla is stunning! Look at Larla's figure!", bridal shower, Bachelorette, soon wedding. I get it. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I think you can tell her it’s a lovely name but you have a very bad association with it, so you don’t really like it. You can tell her that once and the. Drop it. If she goes with the name anyway you will very soon have a new and joyful association with the name instead.

[Anonymous]

What does DH have to say about this!?

[Anonymous]

Don't send your pain down the generations

Get help to deal with the affair and call your granddaughter Baby, Sweetie, or Honey or whatever you want until you can handle her name.

Having experienced a traumatic birth, let me tell you, you can't be sure of her safety arriving until she is safety in her mother's arms. And at that point you will be do freaking grateful, you won't care what they call her.