Is virginity a red flag at 40?

[Anonymous]

DCUM has never heard of asexuality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has never heard of asexuality?

We've heard of it, and it would be a red flag for me in a romantic relationship because I am not asexual. OP isn't asking if this person is bad or broken or should be shunned, rather should she continue to date him. If she was asexual herself, I doubt she would be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you went on a few dates with a guy and everything was perfect but you found out he was a 40 year old virgin - with no explanation of why other than "it just never happened" - would you be put off?

Unless it's religious, its odd and you don't want to be the experimental lab rat, unless there is something really special about the person and you are okay with the risk.

Why would a 40 year old first timer be more risky than a 20 year old first timer?

[Anonymous]

That would make him NOT a virgin. Smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't belive that for a second. He's trying to play the old "I'm a virgin" to get ladies to sleep with him.

NOPE!

+1 not buying what he's selling!

He didn't say it to me to get me to sleep with him. We were in the middle of having sex when he told me.

I was going to say that at our age rather than wonder if there’s a red flag, just sleep with him and then you’ll know if there’s anything weird. But apparently you’ve already taken this step. So afterwards, is there anything weird?

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm a female virgin at 43, so I'm going to say that I hope it's not a terrible red flag!

I tend to also say "it just never happened" when asked by people I don't know well. In truth, it just didn't happen in my teens or early 20s and then in my later 20s I had this notion that I wanted to be in love my first time (insert eyeroll). I went on a lot of first and second dates in my late 20s and early 30s and never heard from them again when I refused to have sex that early. Eventually, one man assaulted me when I said no and I just stopped trying.

Now I've done a boat load of therapy, consider myself happy and healed, and am actively dating. I'm not waiting for marriage, or love, or even commitment, but I do want to feel comfortable and I think that is going to take longer than 2-3 dates to develop. I've had that conversation with two men in recent months and both times they were (surprisingly to me) very understanding. It didn't happen in either of those cases because I decided we weren't good fits for other reasons.

I hate that my lack of sex in my teens and early 20s is now (to some) this "red flag" that means there must be something wrong with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a female virgin at 43, so I'm going to say that I hope it's not a terrible red flag!

I tend to also say "it just never happened" when asked by people I don't know well. In truth, it just didn't happen in my teens or early 20s and then in my later 20s I had this notion that I wanted to be in love my first time (insert eyeroll). I went on a lot of first and second dates in my late 20s and early 30s and never heard from them again when I refused to have sex that early. Eventually, one man assaulted me when I said no and I just stopped trying.

Now I've done a boat load of therapy, consider myself happy and healed, and am actively dating. I'm not waiting for marriage, or love, or even commitment, but I do want to feel comfortable and I think that is going to take longer than 2-3 dates to develop. I've had that conversation with two men in recent months and both times they were (surprisingly to me) very understanding. It didn't happen in either of those cases because I decided we weren't good fits for other reasons.

I hate that my lack of sex in my teens and early 20s is now (to some) this "red flag" that means there must be something wrong with me.

A woman who did not have the curiosity or the physical need to have sex....EVER...is unlikely to be much of a sexual partner at 43. It's called a sex DRIVE for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a female virgin at 43, so I'm going to say that I hope it's not a terrible red flag!

I tend to also say "it just never happened" when asked by people I don't know well. In truth, it just didn't happen in my teens or early 20s and then in my later 20s I had this notion that I wanted to be in love my first time (insert eyeroll). I went on a lot of first and second dates in my late 20s and early 30s and never heard from them again when I refused to have sex that early. Eventually, one man assaulted me when I said no and I just stopped trying.

Now I've done a boat load of therapy, consider myself happy and healed, and am actively dating. I'm not waiting for marriage, or love, or even commitment, but I do want to feel comfortable and I think that is going to take longer than 2-3 dates to develop. I've had that conversation with two men in recent months and both times they were (surprisingly to me) very understanding. It didn't happen in either of those cases because I decided we weren't good fits for other reasons.

I hate that my lack of sex in my teens and early 20s is now (to some) this "red flag" that means there must be something wrong with me.

A woman who did not have the curiosity or the physical need to have sex....EVER...is unlikely to be much of a sexual partner at 43. It's called a sex DRIVE for a reason.

Believe me, I spent years in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I'm not asexual, and I do have a sex drive. But I had super low self esteem and a belief that nobody would ever want to be with me. Dating has actually been super therapeutic and healing. Glad I haven't come across anyone like you yet.

[Anonymous]

I don't have time to read five pages of posts so forgive me that I am probably repeating everyone.

But YES it is a huge red flag! and honestly it is a bit of a red flag about the OP, assuming she is not a troll, that she would even ask that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who was a virgin at 25 - and we weren't even 25 when we dated, we were 30 and 31 - and in hindsight it was a huge red flag. I broke up with him because he had issues developing emotional intimacy, and in later conversations with my therapist after the breakup when I mentioned the virginity thing, she was like "That's pretty weird for a guy who isn't religious. Do you think there's something more there?" So, I would see it as a red flag that he's emotionally unavailable. But I have baggage so your mileage may vary.

Brett Kavanaugh was a virgin until 26. But he "talked a good game" (about action with the ladies) well before that...

How do you know this...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a female virgin at 43, so I'm going to say that I hope it's not a terrible red flag!

I tend to also say "it just never happened" when asked by people I don't know well. In truth, it just didn't happen in my teens or early 20s and then in my later 20s I had this notion that I wanted to be in love my first time (insert eyeroll). I went on a lot of first and second dates in my late 20s and early 30s and never heard from them again when I refused to have sex that early. Eventually, one man assaulted me when I said no and I just stopped trying.

Now I've done a boat load of therapy, consider myself happy and healed, and am actively dating. I'm not waiting for marriage, or love, or even commitment, but I do want to feel comfortable and I think that is going to take longer than 2-3 dates to develop. I've had that conversation with two men in recent months and both times they were (surprisingly to me) very understanding. It didn't happen in either of those cases because I decided we weren't good fits for other reasons.

I hate that my lack of sex in my teens and early 20s is now (to some) this "red flag" that means there must be something wrong with me.

A woman who did not have the curiosity or the physical need to have sex....EVER...is unlikely to be much of a sexual partner at 43. It's called a sex DRIVE for a reason.

Believe me, I spent years in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I'm not asexual, and I do have a sex drive. But I had super low self esteem and a belief that nobody would ever want to be with me. Dating has actually been super therapeutic and healing. Glad I haven't come across anyone like you yet.

Don’t give up! I have not (43m). I have been on various antidepressants that killed my libido for 14 plus years, that’s my fairly straightforward reason. Everyone has a story.

[Anonymous]

theres a good chance he’s gay with internalized homophobia from growing up religious. Many such cases.

Aside from that, other mental health problems.

I would avoid.

[Anonymous]

I am OP. I did not sleep with him. I was attempting to have sex with him but he was so god awful at it that I asked what was up and he was like, "Oh, sorry, I'm just out of practice. It's been a couple years." Then immediately was like, "Actually I'm lying. That was a lie. I'm still a virgin." Immediately lost his erection and could not get hard again so we just stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. I did not sleep with him. I was attempting to have sex with him but he was so god awful at it that I asked what was up and he was like, "Oh, sorry, I'm just out of practice. It's been a couple years." Then immediately was like, "Actually I'm lying. That was a lie. I'm still a virgin." Immediately lost his erection and could not get hard again so we just stopped.

Huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a female virgin at 43, so I'm going to say that I hope it's not a terrible red flag!

I tend to also say "it just never happened" when asked by people I don't know well. In truth, it just didn't happen in my teens or early 20s and then in my later 20s I had this notion that I wanted to be in love my first time (insert eyeroll). I went on a lot of first and second dates in my late 20s and early 30s and never heard from them again when I refused to have sex that early. Eventually, one man assaulted me when I said no and I just stopped trying.

Now I've done a boat load of therapy, consider myself happy and healed, and am actively dating. I'm not waiting for marriage, or love, or even commitment, but I do want to feel comfortable and I think that is going to take longer than 2-3 dates to develop. I've had that conversation with two men in recent months and both times they were (surprisingly to me) very understanding. It didn't happen in either of those cases because I decided we weren't good fits for other reasons.

I hate that my lack of sex in my teens and early 20s is now (to some) this "red flag" that means there must be something wrong with me.

A woman who did not have the curiosity or the physical need to have sex....EVER...is unlikely to be much of a sexual partner at 43. It's called a sex DRIVE for a reason.

Believe me, I spent years in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I'm not asexual, and I do have a sex drive. But I had super low self esteem and a belief that nobody would ever want to be with me. Dating has actually been super therapeutic and healing. Glad I haven't come across anyone like you yet.

I’m happy for you that you’re in a good place, PP. If you actually want to have intercourse, I would actually not tell anyone that you are a virgin. That will destroy your chances with most men. It’s not the big deal people say it is. Virginity is a social construct meant to control women.