Is virginity a red flag at 40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a virgin until 24, just never asked any girls out until then because I had low self esteem and was very introverted. If a guy doesn’t do anything and is passive, he will easily be a virgin at an older than usual age because women don’t make the first move 99% of the time.

24 is hugely different than 40. I’m a female and was a virgin until I was 23, closer to 24. Grew up religious and most of my boyfriends were also religious in my teens and early twenties. I became less religious at that point and started dating less religious people.

Very similar story for most of my friends who were somewhat religious, though I would say many of my friends, males especially, also started having sex in their earlier twenties and didn’t wait for marriage. I do know a bunch of guys who were virgins into their mid twenties (not religious) just because they were shy, too nice, weren’t getting sex casually and didn’t end up in serious relationships until they were in their mid twenties.

Anyway, yea, 40 is certainly weird. Has to be some underlying reason. Means they weren’t in any serious sexual relationship their whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a collection of action figures in boxes at his house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are cultures where virginity up to marriage is the norm for both men and women regardless of age. Observant members of various religious traditions also avoid non-marital sexual activity.

Sure, but OP is not part of one of those cultures, obviously. And she isn't dating a man from that culture, either, or she'd know why at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes - both by (1) his lack of experience (I am not looking to be a guide to novices at this point in my life) and (2) lack of self-awareness and introspection. There is definitely a story there ...

But what do you think, OP? (And "everything was perfect" would also put me off)

How is being a virgin lack of self-awareness and introspection? It is not.

[Anonymous]

Red flag. This would creep me out.

[Anonymous]

I would be put off simply because I don't think you make it to 40 as a virgin unless there's some religious baggage there, or you're extremely low drive. And I am fairly high drive, so I wouldn't want to build a relationship with someone who is going to top out at once a week or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a virgin until 24, just never asked any girls out until then because I had low self esteem and was very introverted. If a guy doesn’t do anything and is passive, he will easily be a virgin at an older than usual age because women don’t make the first move 99% of the time.

No. If you are a good looking guy women/girls are pretty aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a virgin until 24, just never asked any girls out until then because I had low self esteem and was very introverted. If a guy doesn’t do anything and is passive, he will easily be a virgin at an older than usual age because women don’t make the first move 99% of the time.

No. If you are a good looking guy women/girls are pretty aggressive.

Yeah, but 99% of guys aren’t good looking enough. You have to be very above average for this to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be a virgin at forty years old is a very strong, 🚩 red flag OP unless he is staunchly religious.

So, red flag either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you went on a few dates with a guy and everything was perfect but you found out he was a 40 year old virgin - with no explanation of why other than "it just never happened" - would you be put off?

Maybe he just doesn't want to get into that discussion with a stranger. Maybe he's bi or trans. Who knows.

And who cares? You aren't exclusive and you barely know him. Is he cramping your calendar crowding out better options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you went on a few dates with a guy and everything was perfect but you found out he was a 40 year old virgin - with no explanation of why other than "it just never happened" - would you be put off?

Unless it's religious, its odd and you don't want to be the experimental lab rat, unless there is something really special about the person and you are okay with the risk.

[Anonymous]

On bright side, they won't have STD or emotional baggage of broken relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24? I think lots of shy, nice guys get to that age still virgins, for a lot of the points above.
But 40? That is a HUGE red flag. He is gay and/or has big emotional intimacy problems. Learned all this through dating in my 30s. Normal, healthy straight men like sex. They want to have it. With women. If they don't, something is off no matter what reasons they are giving.

Agreed...I was 26 and even then self-conscious about it (to the point that I didn't tell my first that she was my first). A year later I met my wife and we've been married for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's nice he was honest with you vs lying and shows he trusts you. You must be a kind person.

That was my first reaction as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's nice he was honest with you vs lying and shows he trusts you. You must be a kind person.

No she's not. A kind person would not have posted this thread