Is virginity a red flag at 40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a female virgin at 43, so I'm going to say that I hope it's not a terrible red flag!

I tend to also say "it just never happened" when asked by people I don't know well. In truth, it just didn't happen in my teens or early 20s and then in my later 20s I had this notion that I wanted to be in love my first time (insert eyeroll). I went on a lot of first and second dates in my late 20s and early 30s and never heard from them again when I refused to have sex that early. Eventually, one man assaulted me when I said no and I just stopped trying.

Now I've done a boat load of therapy, consider myself happy and healed, and am actively dating. I'm not waiting for marriage, or love, or even commitment, but I do want to feel comfortable and I think that is going to take longer than 2-3 dates to develop. I've had that conversation with two men in recent months and both times they were (surprisingly to me) very understanding. It didn't happen in either of those cases because I decided we weren't good fits for other reasons.

I hate that my lack of sex in my teens and early 20s is now (to some) this "red flag" that means there must be something wrong with me.

A woman who did not have the curiosity or the physical need to have sex....EVER...is unlikely to be much of a sexual partner at 43. It's called a sex DRIVE for a reason.

This is pretty rude, especially considering PP has shared something so personal.
Someone can have a sex drive without ever having sex. For all we know, she masturbates all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a virgin until 24, just never asked any girls out until then because I had low self esteem and was very introverted. If a guy doesn’t do anything and is passive, he will easily be a virgin at an older than usual age because women don’t make the first move 99% of the time.

No. If you are a good looking guy women/girls are pretty aggressive.

Yeah, but 99% of guys aren’t good looking enough. You have to be very above average for this to happen.

It's not always a positive. I knew a (shy, sheltered, cute) guy who was repeatedly raped by women in college. Unsurprisingly he grew into a thirty-something angry man who treated women like garbage. It took therapy for him to realize that all those aggressive coeds mounting him while he was drunk in his dorm room were assaulting him.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a vicious cycle. Past a certain age no one wants virgins. There's shame involved. Have sex with him and then decide what you think of him. I bet he's embellishing his past relationships to seem less lame. He probably went on dates and it never even was much of a relationship. There are actually a lot of adult virgins but no one wants to admit it. He may be asexual or just resigned to the fact no one wants a virgin.

Again. I TRIED to have sex with him. He was so terrible that he himself volunteered "I'm just a little out of practice," immediately followed by "I was lying, I'm a virgin." Then he went soft and couldn't get hard again and went to his home office to work for a couple of hours - this was at 11pm - rather than discuss the issue.

Op, you should have posted this originally. I don't think this man is interested in women.

I don't get the trickle-truthing OPs. If she had that experience, why is she vaguely asking if being a virgin is a "red flag" instead of describing this experience.

Because she was bad at the sex and blamed him and is looking for an rationalization.

Ah yes, the woman was "bad at the sex" during which the man...*checks notes* couldn't stay hard. Sounds like they didn't even have sex, boy genius.

Only illustrating further how bad at sex she is.

How would they have if he went soft? He's a virgin, he shouldn't be going soft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a virgin until 24, just never asked any girls out until then because I had low self esteem and was very introverted. If a guy doesn’t do anything and is passive, he will easily be a virgin at an older than usual age because women don’t make the first move 99% of the time.

No. If you are a good looking guy women/girls are pretty aggressive.

Yeah, but 99% of guys aren’t good looking enough. You have to be very above average for this to happen.

It's not always a positive. I knew a (shy, sheltered, cute) guy who was repeatedly raped by women in college. Unsurprisingly he grew into a thirty-something angry man who treated women like garbage. It took therapy for him to realize that all those aggressive coeds mounting him while he was drunk in his dorm room were assaulting him.

Wait, what?

[H8Courtship]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have time to read five pages of posts so forgive me that I am probably repeating everyone.

But YES it is a huge red flag! and honestly it is a bit of a red flag about the OP, assuming she is not a troll, that she would even ask that!

I thought the OP is male, a guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are cultures where virginity up to marriage is the norm for both men and women regardless of age. Observant members of various religious traditions also avoid non-marital sexual activity.

Much of our culture is that way either for spiritual reasons, or we retain those values simply as part of the secular culture even if fewer today are adherent to the whole religion. Many of us are ok with not being promiscuous or active at all before marriage, but typically that means we strive to be developing healthy long-term relationships as early as ~20 and often married right after getting a college degree and “starting life”. And typically those relationships are successful and permanent.

But “virgin at 40” contains NONE of those positive attributes.

[Anonymous]

I dated a 40 year old who while not a virgin, had sex less than 50 times in his life. Turned out he had other issues that explained why he had never had a LTR

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that's weird for a guy. Red flag.

I also assume there's something "off" with men who are 40 and never married. Red flag.

I'd end it asap.

I just can’t with people who have these opinions. It’s because of your views imposed on men and women that people feel pressured to make decisions they are not ready for. Then when they get divorced people like you will be the first to go bumping their gums about it.

Let people be and this world will be better for it. This forum is filled with accounts of people in miserable marriages. They aren’t ready for that kind of union. So stop it with your ridiculous judgy ways!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a 40 year old who while not a virgin, had sex less than 50 times in his life. Turned out he had other issues that explained why he had never had a LTR

My guess he had social and mental issues, I assume the former more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am male and dated a 44 year old female virgin. She definitely did have some major issues but she was a very nice person and I enjoyed my time with her. We took things very slowly and ended up having some very nice sexual experiences. She was attractive and had a toned body but she had never removed all of her clothes with anyone before me. Her first O in her life was about two months into the relationship. We never had intercourse because she has vaginismus (can't relax vaginal canal) but, with a little time and guidance, she ended up being good in bed in other ways. She eventually became very passionate. I think we eventually might have figured out how to have intercourse, but we broke up. No regrets. I'm glad I got to know her.

Had she never had a boyfriend until she met you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who was a virgin at 25 - and we weren't even 25 when we dated, we were 30 and 31 - and in hindsight it was a huge red flag. I broke up with him because he had issues developing emotional intimacy, and in later conversations with my therapist after the breakup when I mentioned the virginity thing, she was like "That's pretty weird for a guy who isn't religious. Do you think there's something more there?" So, I would see it as a red flag that he's emotionally unavailable. But I have baggage so your mileage may vary.

25 is not 40. I was a late bloomer dating wise (short shy dude). I had occasional girlfriends but I wanted to wait for sex because I didn’t want to risk getting her pregnant — I was from a backwater town so tons of teen moms in high school, and I was desperate to leave. A pregnant girlfriend would have been an anchor.

In college and law school I had religious girlfriends who wanted to wait for marriage (the 2nd became my DW). We started dating at 25 and didn’t marry till 30 because of school and extended family complications. She was worth the wait.

We are happily married 20 years later with a handful of kids. I mean our intimate life is not killin it, but with lots of kids that was kinda in the cards.

40 is very late, but maybe he tended to date within a religion? I wonder why not married more than no sex - it was definitely a motivator to put a ring on it.

Not very motivating since it took you FIVE YEARS.

Huge red flag, OP, if you have a health sex drive. He won’t.

Maybe. My college boyfriend married a woman who was religious and wouldn't have sex before marriage. PIV. She'd do oral and anal though. Always thought that was funny. Funnier still that he told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a 40 year old who while not a virgin, had sex less than 50 times in his life. Turned out he had other issues that explained why he had never had a LTR

Less than FIFTY times? Who even counts after ten or so? And why were you asking him to count the number of times he had sex in his life? Sounds like a weird interaction all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and dated a 44 year old female virgin. She definitely did have some major issues but she was a very nice person and I enjoyed my time with her. We took things very slowly and ended up having some very nice sexual experiences. She was attractive and had a toned body but she had never removed all of her clothes with anyone before me. Her first O in her life was about two months into the relationship. We never had intercourse because she has vaginismus (can't relax vaginal canal) but, with a little time and guidance, she ended up being good in bed in other ways. She eventually became very passionate. I think we eventually might have figured out how to have intercourse, but we broke up. No regrets. I'm glad I got to know her.

Had she never had a boyfriend until she met you?

She had one semi boyfriend before me but she never even removed her clothes with him. She also said she never had an O before she met me (with him or alone). She actually did have pretty strong sexual feelings but she was very embarrassed by them. About a month or two into our relationship , she started having Os and was thrilled, but eventually she stopped having them. She said she only had them because she hadn't known what to expect and I caught her off guard. Yes, she has a lot of issues. But I really did like her and still do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am male and dated a 44 year old female virgin. She definitely did have some major issues but she was a very nice person and I enjoyed my time with her. We took things very slowly and ended up having some very nice sexual experiences. She was attractive and had a toned body but she had never removed all of her clothes with anyone before me. Her first O in her life was about two months into the relationship. We never had intercourse because she has vaginismus (can't relax vaginal canal) but, with a little time and guidance, she ended up being good in bed in other ways. She eventually became very passionate. I think we eventually might have figured out how to have intercourse, but we broke up. No regrets. I'm glad I got to know her.

Had she never had a boyfriend until she met you?

She had one semi boyfriend before me but she never even removed her clothes with him. She also said she never had an O before she met me (with him or alone). She actually did have pretty strong sexual feelings but she was very embarrassed by them. About a month or two into our relationship , she started having Os and was thrilled, but eventually she stopped having them. She said she only had them because she hadn't known what to expect and I caught her off guard. Yes, she has a lot of issues. But I really did like her and still do.

Shocking for a woman, most of society has led us to think cases like this are male-dominated, due to that infamous movie with Steve Carrell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a 40 year old who while not a virgin, had sex less than 50 times in his life. Turned out he had other issues that explained why he had never had a LTR

It’s a trope in rom com type fiction, the boyfriend who turns out to be gay. As a good christian girl I often dated the guys who didn’t pressure me for sex in my twenties and often the reason they aren’t pressuring their girlfriends is because they have unresolved issues with their sexuality. As a good Christian girl I have five former boyfriends who are now gay.