BIL/kids visiting for Thanksgiving; grandparents don’t want to bow out to a hotel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

You are reading way too into this. Are you on the older side and having a hard time letting go?
OP seems nice enough to want to solve this without major drama. I am sure she pitched it as a good thing and the ILs are being selfish and not caring about anyone else in this situation.

Maybe i am? I am 40 with young kids. I chose my battles carefully with in laws, i save my ammunition for the really important stuff.

How is it “ammunition” to open your home to an additional three guests and cook them a Thanksgiving meal? With an eye to their comfort—some of us don’t “throw BIL on couch” and put small kids on a floor after they have spent thousands to spend hours on an airplane and change time zones, by the way—OP and her husband are thinking some people will be more comfortable in a hotel, and offered to pay. If you think that is “ammunition,” you must have never had a real, actual problem or a real, actual conflict in your life. What a drama queen you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

OP chose to stay in hotel for 4th of July to "give BIL some space", aka she does not like the ILs. She finds all kinds of logistics reasons to slight them.

DH is going along with both scenarios. The fact that they are welcoming seven relatives into their home to make them a Thanksgiving meal and a multi-day visit shows that you have no leg to stand on. The fact that they were willing to visit for multiple days with them for Fourth of July proves the same. You tried it, though.

It benefits their children and them (DH at least) to maintain a relationship with loving Grandparents and cousins. To see this as some sort of favor or chore is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

You are reading way too into this. Are you on the older side and having a hard time letting go?
OP seems nice enough to want to solve this without major drama. I am sure she pitched it as a good thing and the ILs are being selfish and not caring about anyone else in this situation.

Maybe i am? I am 40 with young kids. I chose my battles carefully with in laws, i save my ammunition for the really important stuff.

How is it “ammunition” to open your home to an additional three guests and cook them a Thanksgiving meal? With an eye to their comfort—some of us don’t “throw BIL on couch” and put small kids on a floor after they have spent thousands to spend hours on an airplane and change time zones, by the way—OP and her husband are thinking some people will be more comfortable in a hotel, and offered to pay. If you think that is “ammunition,” you must have never had a real, actual problem or a real, actual conflict in your life. What a drama queen you are.

FYI, asking people to stay at a hotel is not hosting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

OP chose to stay in hotel for 4th of July to "give BIL some space", aka she does not like the ILs. She finds all kinds of logistics reasons to slight them.

DH is going along with both scenarios. The fact that they are welcoming seven relatives into their home to make them a Thanksgiving meal and a multi-day visit shows that you have no leg to stand on. The fact that they were willing to visit for multiple days with them for Fourth of July proves the same. You tried it, though.

It benefits their children and them (DH at least) to maintain a relationship with loving Grandparents and cousins. To see this as some sort of favor or chore is terrible.

Not everyone is willing to travel and visit, do you not get that? Efforts should be appreciated, not measured with some arbitrary Stick of Joy. Fourth of July this year was mid-week. OP and DH likely had to take off work to make that happen. I appreciate the efforts of my family members. Maybe that’s why the like spending time with me and my family and are willing—yes, willing—to make an effort to see me, and to host me and my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

You are reading way too into this. Are you on the older side and having a hard time letting go?
OP seems nice enough to want to solve this without major drama. I am sure she pitched it as a good thing and the ILs are being selfish and not caring about anyone else in this situation.

Maybe i am? I am 40 with young kids. I chose my battles carefully with in laws, i save my ammunition for the really important stuff.

How is it “ammunition” to open your home to an additional three guests and cook them a Thanksgiving meal? With an eye to their comfort—some of us don’t “throw BIL on couch” and put small kids on a floor after they have spent thousands to spend hours on an airplane and change time zones, by the way—OP and her husband are thinking some people will be more comfortable in a hotel, and offered to pay. If you think that is “ammunition,” you must have never had a real, actual problem or a real, actual conflict in your life. What a drama queen you are.

FYI, asking people to stay at a hotel is not hosting them.

It is when you offer to pay, and you provide their meals, including a large holiday meal, and provide them with a place to hang out and see their family. Take a family home out of this equation, and people would have to rent an Air BNB, yes? Logic, people. Try to follow along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ILs don't get to make the decisions here about your house. DH needs to put his foot down now about the bossy entitlement of his parents. Shut that crap down now. They wouldn't be stepping foot in my house if they acted like that. Tell your DH to grow a set and tell his parents No.

This

Your plan makes the most sense for them to stay in the hotel, especially with their sleeping schedule as you mentioned

This is a new plan you haven’t done before that overall seems great for everybody

They are not dictators and don’t get to decide

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad OP has found a good solution with asking the cousin and fiancee to stay at the hotel.

I'm not an IL defender by any stretch; side-eye my own and others frequently. But in this case I can empathize with them. From their perspective, it's more like being cast out to make room for the younger folks, which could be a growing fear of theirs as they age. Even though OP's original proposal sounded reasonable to her from a logistical and utilitarian perspective, it would be perceived entirely differently by the ILs. Just my 2 cents lest OP or anyone else think the ILs are being difficult.

I totally get what you are saying, but I think if ILs want to always stay in the “main” house, they need to make sure their early risings are not disruptive. I also think they could stand to gain some perspective that maybe adults who don’t like to go to bed early would want to enjoy some rare kid-free time with peer siblings and cousins they don’t often get to see. My parents not only get that my siblings and cousin and I like to hang out and play cards and spend quality time together as a peer group, they encourage it. My ILs—and some of my aunts and uncles—feel jealous and left out. So just as OP and others who see her point of view could use some perspective, so could ILs and those who think like them.

This.

Op, If the grandparents do stay with you and not in the hotel, would they be a pain Re the night time hanging out?

[Anonymous]

I think your dh needs to be blunt with his parents. They fear missing out on the fun the rest of you are having, but you’re going to be staying up late, making noise playing games, and the kids will be extra rambunctious because all the cousins are together. No one else is going to get up early or want to hear others stirring hours before they want to get up. Your dh should stress that he would really enjoy the rare opportunity for adult cousin time. How often do we get that dynamic as adults? If his parents continue to resist, book the hotel room for the cousin, but dh should let his parents know that he’s disappointed. Their FOMO is preventing them from thinking clearly.

[Anonymous]

No no no.

Cousin and fiance should stay at a hotel. They will probably enjoy having the extra space! If they can't afford it, you pay or MIL/FIL pay or you all split.

If I am the fiancee, hell yeah I'd rather stay at a hotel rather than crammed into a house with kids while MIL and FIL are annoyed I displaced them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

Your reasoning doesn't make sense. The cousin and fiancee can still hang out in the later evening and then go to the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

Your reasoning doesn't make sense. The cousin and fiancee can still hang out in the later evening and then go to the hotel.

So what? End game is the same: cousin at hotel. What is your dog on this fight that OP’s “reasoning” needs to perfectly align with yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

OP chose to stay in hotel for 4th of July to "give BIL some space", aka she does not like the ILs. She finds all kinds of logistics reasons to slight them.

DH is going along with both scenarios. The fact that they are welcoming seven relatives into their home to make them a Thanksgiving meal and a multi-day visit shows that you have no leg to stand on. The fact that they were willing to visit for multiple days with them for Fourth of July proves the same. You tried it, though.

It benefits their children and them (DH at least) to maintain a relationship with loving Grandparents and cousins. To see this as some sort of favor or chore is terrible.

Not everyone is willing to travel and visit, do you not get that? Efforts should be appreciated, not measured with some arbitrary Stick of Joy. Fourth of July this year was mid-week. OP and DH likely had to take off work to make that happen. I appreciate the efforts of my family members. Maybe that’s why the like spending time with me and my family and are willing—yes, willing—to make an effort to see me, and to host me and my family.

Stop acting like you are doing the ILs a favor by your willingness to visit or like these visits are a chore. Fostering this relationship is of huge benefit to your children. OP's IL clearly take turns visiting and hosting.

I am not going to keep harping on this, if you can't see that choosing to accommodate a cousin over the grandparents of two sets of grandchildren makes them feel slighted, i don't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say your house is a three bedroom house. Each couple gets a room (in-laws, cousin/fiancee, you). Kids all sleep in sleeping bags in a common area, and throw your BIL a couch. It's easily done and doesn't have to be a ton of drama.

This is what I'd do.

OP does not like the IL, she asked them to bow out to accommodate a random cousin and fiancé. Talk about creating unnecessary strain in a relationship.

OP has already said she was going to ask if she could pay for cousin and fiancee to stay in a hotel room. Or did you willfully miss that because you’re projecting your IL issues onto her?

Her reasons for thinking cousin and fiancée should stay in the house made sense—they go to bed early and get up early like ILs (early risers can be disruptive to a house with sleeping kids), and BIL very rarely gets to see the cousin, so game night and all that after kids are in bed sounds fun. At any rate, OP has already said she’s going to suggest a hotel for cousin and fiancee, so what is your problem?

She already told ILs to go to a hotel, giving little thought and consideration to how this would be received. Most people understand ILs would feel hurt and slighted in this scenario. That this didn't register with OP makes me think she does not like them or does not care to maintain a drama free relationship.

Oooh, out of hosting them probably dozens of times, if not more, she asked them to stay in a hotel she would pay for ONE TIME, immediately following a Fourth of July visit where her family stayed in a hotel that they paid for to make room for BIL’s family, as BIL’s family is the one traveling the furthest and at the greatest expense. So let’s review, hotels are fine when OP pays for them, to avoid cramming ILs house, to make things nicer for all involved, but it doesn’t work the other way? Got it.

OP chose to stay in hotel for 4th of July to "give BIL some space", aka she does not like the ILs. She finds all kinds of logistics reasons to slight them.

DH is going along with both scenarios. The fact that they are welcoming seven relatives into their home to make them a Thanksgiving meal and a multi-day visit shows that you have no leg to stand on. The fact that they were willing to visit for multiple days with them for Fourth of July proves the same. You tried it, though.

It benefits their children and them (DH at least) to maintain a relationship with loving Grandparents and cousins. To see this as some sort of favor or chore is terrible.

Not everyone is willing to travel and visit, do you not get that? Efforts should be appreciated, not measured with some arbitrary Stick of Joy. Fourth of July this year was mid-week. OP and DH likely had to take off work to make that happen. I appreciate the efforts of my family members. Maybe that’s why the like spending time with me and my family and are willing—yes, willing—to make an effort to see me, and to host me and my family.

Stop acting like you are doing the ILs a favor by your willingness to visit or like these visits are a chore. Fostering this relationship is of huge benefit to your children. OP's IL clearly take turns visiting and hosting.

I am not going to keep harping on this, if you can't see that choosing to accommodate a cousin over the grandparents of two sets of grandchildren makes them feel slighted, i don't know what to say.

NP who has a cousin and wife who actually aren’t willing to travel, host or spend time with us, including cousin’s parents. They see their grandkids once every other year, if that. If your family is willing to make an effort, be grateful. You are lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your dh needs to be blunt with his parents. They fear missing out on the fun the rest of you are having, but you’re going to be staying up late, making noise playing games, and the kids will be extra rambunctious because all the cousins are together. No one else is going to get up early or want to hear others stirring hours before they want to get up. Your dh should stress that he would really enjoy the rare opportunity for adult cousin time. How often do we get that dynamic as adults? If his parents continue to resist, book the hotel room for the cousin, but dh should let his parents know that he’s disappointed. Their FOMO is preventing them from thinking clearly.

This but the decision is yours and DH not the boomers. I would stress that MIL FIL go to bed early and get up early so that is why you are giving them the hotel room. Be clear that there will be no squishing everyone in. My guess is that in laws are morning pounders. How fun for a morning pouncer to have someone sleeping on a couch in the main living area ripe for an early morning wake up and pounce!

I also agree that the cousin and fiancé would love to stay in a hotel but it might be a problem financially. They may not accept you paying ( I know I wouldn’t) but then not have the budget to really do it. If you do go the cousin route tell them you are using points for the room. Do not tell MIL/FIL this as many boomers get giddy over points thinking their adult children’s points are theirs to use and distribute.

[Anonymous]

If I was your cousin or fiancé, I would be thrilled to spend time in a hotel! It would be fantastic to be away from kids, and get peace and quiet at the end of the day. They are not far, after all just five minutes.